I Finally Know You

Dear Mr Pok--,

I finally know you.

According to an individual who knows you, and whom I have been corresponding, and who therefore 'apparently' is a common acquaintance, you had participated in an embarrassing program such a long time ago that you have already forgotten that it ever happened, or had suppressed memories of it because it was not at all how you had wanted it to go. It was held at an expensive place, and you were a part of the organizing team, and you li'l fucker, believe it or not, I HAD WON THE COMPETITION, hear that you li'l wimp, I HAD WON THE FRIKKIN' COMPETITION, even though you guys, had, as organizers made it very hard for us to win because you guys are such loser-y chumps that you did not want any of the competitors to win, but I HAD WON, DESPITE YOUR BEST EFFORTS, YOU LOSERS, and so because of my awesomeness I had won the competition even though you tried your best to make us lose, we won, and take that, we totally won.

So what were we talking about again?
Yadda yadda yadda yadda

Sincerely
Some Guy You Don't know and don't want to be bothered by, but who'll send you emails anyway, so you might as well make the best out of it by trying to entertain other people with it.