Shush

fic.

Sthani says the new guy she's been talking to, who bytheway-because-you-care-about-such-things is Nepali, is nice.

"That's awesummm. Ask him out no. We're getting older," I say.

"You misunderstand. 'Nice' meaning he's probably gay," she says.

Of course. That's her. After all this time, after all the gap, after everything she has been through, she's still herself. Goodtoknow.

"I am not gay, so shutup," I say. This conversation has happened at least a dozen times since I've known her.

"And you are sure about that? Hundredpercent? No confusion, yeah?" she says, because she has nothing better to do.

I ask her about the guy.

"He's fine -- kinda' cute, and soo nice. He's cool too. Kinda' sad that he may be gay. k garne. No sindoor in my maag," she says taking the back of her to her forehead, in the bharatiya nari pose that she loves to ridicule so much.

I ask her what happened.

"Umm so we went on a dinner. I was worried it'd be weird, and then got really scared that it might have been a date. Soo yeah. Ramro thaaum ma gaera khayo, he told funny jokes and I laughed, and all that omg letshangout stuff. Tei ho."

"Tetii matra? " I'm curious. Suspicious. "You guys didn't drink? "

"Ma tipsy bhaye ni. Ani malai dorm puryaidiyo. Malai pachi k bhayo ramrari yad pani chhaina. He was apologizing for everything the next day jhan."

The last time Sthani had been on anything remotely resembling a date had been at school, with me. It is still talked about in the school, bhai tells me, as mythology. Like Prometheus stealing fire from the gods, if he were really selfish and it involved a girl who he liked and if it had ended in really bizarre circumstances which had saved him and his girl because no one had quite figured out how things had ended up as they had. And if the girl had dared the authorities by spreading salacious and untrue rumors about herself. Real dates are rare for Sthani. They are often dangerous for all the parties involved, and parties in general vicinity who are not involved with anything.

"That's it?" I'm disappointed -- by her, by the story. We're talking after a very long time and I want more.

"Um so I asked him to hang out...in the common room. And we did."

Wait, what?

"Ann, common room ma mero sathi haru thiyau, they were playing Cards against humanity. They figured we were not interested because... We played byaan ko four bajey samma. And then he went back."

Revelations, revelations. "Ohh, and thus you think he's gay."

"Haina, you misunderstand! That was real boyfriend stuff yaar. Aru kura."

Haha, right! "So you seriously think he's gay?"

"Khai yaar. Keiii thaaa chhaina. I need to go back to Nepal soon. Miss bhayo people. "

"I'm losing the conversation, have to get back. So you haven't met since?"

"Mmmgg. You went home over the winter hai? How's everything?" She's looking at the ceiling, her hair on the shiny while floor, her hands propping her up.

"You know, all's same. I met the old gang but... you know. Everyone is trying to be anywhere else but Kathmandu. Same old. I won't go soon again. 30 months was too soon for me." Why am I sad? Why do I feel so lost all so sudden? This story is Sthani's not mine. I'm the objective observer. I have to gain composure.

Her eyes are shut now. She's resting against the wall, her right cheek resting against her dotted PJ's at her knees. "I don't know what I miss. I miss everything, but then I don't really miss anything. It doesn't feel right. I used to say I feel empty, but that's not right. There's stuff inside me that hurts like shit -- literally-- when you have to take a dump, and it's always there. Is this what the rest of the way is going to be like?" She's not looking at me. Her eyes are shut tighter now, as if she's trying to shut the  reality off herself, and cover herself up with her eyelids. Or am I seeing a reflection of my thoughts and emotions on her?

"If I ask him out and he comes out to me, atti bore huncha," she says.

"Ohho, you're really considering asking him out?" The sadness that had suddenly pervaded the room is dissipating.

"I would be the biggest fool ever. Remember that school ko thing? Hahaha, it would almost be as weird as that." It wasn't weird, Sthani, just strange. And confusing. And maybe a little bit weird. And this is not going to be anywhere as weird or strange as confusing as that, no matter what happens ok.

"It won't be, it won't be. You shouldn't be afraid of asking him out. You're not really going to lose anything right-- You guys will still be friends, and nothing will have changed. Ask him out!" I say, surprised by my own conviction.