The so-called ‘Buddha Boy’ has been drawing a lot of national and international media attention lately. He apparently comes from some hick-town that is far, far away from any place with decent internet connection, mediates a lot, does not eat or sleep for long periods of time, and has the ability to control the uncontrolled growth of facial hair that happens with people of his age and ethnicity. What is this person, and is he really a god? Such questions have baffled even the most ardent critics. Oh, this reminds me of the time the real Buddha hooked up with a porn star.
You might have heard of a certain Siddarth Gautam, also known as Buddha. You might have also heard that he meditated under a tree for so many years and got ‘knowledge’ or whatever. If you look at the history more carefully, you will realize that he was disenchanted from meditation after the first four days of going hungry and staying under a tree and being dumped upon upon by birds frequently. It was then that a lassie by the name of Sujata came to him. After that historical records go fuzzy, and become clear only after a certain interval has passed when Budhha has become a more ‘normal’ person, although an intelligent one. We can only guess what happened during the time periods, but here, religion comes to help. We are told that Sujata told him that to become a real knowledgeable person, he must live like a normal man, and then offered him Kheer, which you will recognize as rice pudding made from lots of milk.
You might guess where this is going. Sujata and Gautam hooked up, and did things that were so different and weird, weird, weird, that even the ancient Indian historians, who are not the ones to shy away from describing sexual acts, decided this would be too embarrassing to write and so covered it up with euphemisms. I will not try guessing what transpired between them—it must have pretty kinky—but after some period they broke up, and Buddha went on his way to become one of the most influential philosophers of all time. Meanwhile Sujata presumably used her talents and went on to become a successful professional in the adult entertainment industry. We encounter Sujata once more in Buddha’s biographies-- when Buddha is in his late fifties-- as an experienced just-retired professional who presumably reached the heights of her trade.
Anyways, the point here is Buddha could have had a son outside the wedlock, and it could be a topic for great conspiracy theories, novels, and movies based on the novels. Tom Hanks could play the role of a Buddhist historian who discovers Buddha’s lineage in the secret society of Rickshaw-pullers and Porters in Bihar who have no idea about their ancestry, and even if they did, so what, because that dude (Buddha)is not gonna come down to Earth to feed his progeny for free.