Why eating mangoes will make you impotent and drive you insane

People eating mangoes is the greatest problem our country has had faced in recent times. While the simple act of eating is not terrible in itself, the fact that none of the mango-eaters are aware that eating the fruit will almost certainly make them impotent and/or drive them insane is a serious concern.

Scientists have recently discovered the negative effects of eating mangoes. Apparently, it is not the chemicals in the mangoes that have the negative effects. The very act of eating sets off a chain of events that will ultimately lead to impotency, insanity, cancer, and sometimes even death.

Mangoes can be eaten in several different ways. They can be peeled off and sucked; they can be cut, the flesh be scooped out of the skin and eaten, they can be cut without peeling and eaten, the flesh can be blended with dairy products like milk or curd to make fancy drinks that cost ten times their production cost at restaurants, or they can be taken to factories where they can be processed in thousand of different ways (the most popular being using them to make Mango tart candies and Aap ko achar).

The factory method is the safest—and the probability of anyone getting ill because of the factory-processed Mangoes is almost nil. The problem lies in the home consumption of the fruit. 

When mangoes are cut using knives, the metals in the knives react with a chemical in the flesh of the fruit to release an acid that is ten times more powerful than hydrochloric acid. The acid is not harmful it itself though, because of the small concentration and its general harmlessness. However, the acid then reacts with other chemicals inside the mango to produce antibiotic chemicals that are highly-fatal to several different types of living organisms. Fortunately, human beings are not among these organisms. In fact, the antibiotic kills the tiny bacteria that are also harmful(causing stomach ache, diarrhoea and several embarrassing ailments) to humans.

And that is where the problem begins. Several species of sub-microscopic viruses causing several deadly diseases land onto the exposed mango on contact, ready to infect anyone who eats the mango. Thanks to the antibiotic produced inside the mango as described previously, those viruses do not survive for long either and re quickly killed off by the antibiotic. Their brethren who witness the death of their fellow-submicroscopic organisms then want to revenge their death so they attack the mango in droves, hoping to destroy the antibiotic. They are killed too, and in turn are replaced by their loved ones, and the process continues till the mango reaches your gut.

You see what’s happening here? As you cut the slice of mango and take it to your mouth, it becomes a battleground for antibiotic chemical and and several generations of different kinds of viruses and bacteria, one side destroying the other, but the other side unrelentingly trying to exacting revenge. It’s a combat zone full of dead bodies and carcasses, cries, tears, defeat and the pains of war.

You wanna eat that?

Yes, I would not eat it under normal circumstances either, but since I am really  hungry, I'll have all. Thank you!