Man wo Man

Fiction, obvs.

So one day he says out of nowhere, I think I want to be a woman yaar.

Sorry, what? Ke re? As in, gender reassignment?

One imagines that after 18 years of living, you would know what gender you are and the people you are attracted to. He tells me he always wanted to be a woman -- a butch woman, which complicates things, but still... he does not want the male body. I'm trying to be supportive, but I ask what the difference between a manly woman and the man he is now be anyway.

It's like. Chittai bujhdaina yaar. Ainaa ma heryo, daaari aauna khojccha. I want to be.. I want to have more fat padding everywhere, I want to wear fancy makeup once in a while, ani shoes, the variety of options on what you can cover your legs with. It's so much better. Ani I'm a guy right now, so I have the defenses of a dude, so I consider myself better prepared to be a girl. Huuh. He does know himself in detail.

I tell him, to be a Nepali and trans would be... complicated. Santosh Pant's son barring, the only transgenders are the Blue Diamond's eunuchs. No, no, they are not eunuchs, he says. They are trans people, like everyone else. Thing is, most are not very wealthy, so they don't undergo the surgeries or the expensive therapies. Injecting women's hormones is going to you only so far into womanhood. Besides, you are absolutely killing your social life with the choice. Again, maybe Ms. Pant barring. It's going to be an uphill battle, even if you're rich.

I tell him to imagine. Imagine going to your parents as a 19-yearold man -- not the girly type -- and telling them, parents, I hate hate hate being a man, I want to be a woman. You cry. They cry too, out of shock and confusion. Maybe fear. Disappointment? Possibly for the fact that you might not get married now so no dowry. They tell you to reconsider. Your parents are open-minded, liberal. Take you to a doctor. You restate your case. Ma keta ko jiuu ma keti ho. Malaai physically doctor bannu chha doctor saab. Ann, Santosh Panta ko chhori jastai. 

Now  what? What do you tell the whole fucking extended family? It's either your life, or your communal bonds. If you're the 'it's me, it's me and my life', you're the man. What if you like your cousins and uncles and unties, hang out with your bros, and life would be incomplete without them? What now? There are whispers everywhere. Oii, sunyo? Tellai hijara banna mann chha re. Haina haina, aile hijara haina, hijara banna man re. Ann aafno laado kaatdina man re. Despite the liberal parents and close friends and family and American education, life still sucks.

I want to be supportive and open minded for him, but you have to be realistic. You really don't want your only friends and family to be the Blue Diamond people. You want a normal life -- meaty dashain, crazy new years, pokhara, chitwan, holidays, summer ma sab keta keti ako bela moj, thamel, jhamel, you know, the usual Kathmandu elite life. They are idiots. Specially the ones that have been abroad. 'Ohho, Nepal ma ni esto huna thaalisakyo,' they ask, every fking time they're in the country. Chakka parne ni hadd hunchha ni. Yes, Nepal ma ni trans manche huncha, gay manche ni huncha, and people like each other. You shrunken-brain. Many people get a lot stupider and even more conceited after the four years of the supposedly liberal education in the US. You know them.

Paul Collier says the diaspora is often more conservative than homeland. Shudder. I shudder at the implications for Nepal. This, I'm going out of context. I stop. I tell him he should reconsider, but we are his friends and we will always be with him, regardless of his identity. K huna sakchha soch, tara garr yaar, fully support ho.

Two years later.

He's blaming his ex, that bitchy slut who cheated on him for some taxidriver (that's his version anyway), for spreading rumors that he is a chakka re. It's a drunken new years, and the he says, Ma chakka re. Ma hijra re. Muji laai chikaai na pugyaa ho, tesaile ta tyo taxidriver sanga gaii. That's his version anyway. The new and updated version of the story. Him, 3.0.