The Ungay Confession

I haven't written anything for a verry long time, and the guilt's only getting bigger. I have to do Dhintang, and this and that... So much to do, so little time for creative stuff... So anyway, something got into me, and I actually wrote about 2000 words for facebook. It is the first of what I have called Shirish's Secret Confession series. I want to end it at 4, maybe 5, and then delete 'em from facebook, and then bring them permanently here.

I have a big confession to make. You may be shocked, and may even cry a little. You will reinterpret every interaction you have had with me in a new light. You could be repulsed by this, or could like me more. This is important, and I want to confess this before it gets too late. This is painful for me, but I must do it.

There is no easy way to do this, so I will put it bluntly: I am not gay. I know, a shocker, right? You have the right to know the entire truth. Because of my frequent use of <3 <3 <3, 'hehe', 'lol' and those cute smileys, and my general demean, you might not have thought of me in that way. But trust me, looks tell only so much.

When I wore that pink T-shirt with a matching pink short, you thought I had excellent gay fashion sense, right? I am not so good: I had it on only because my mother thinks pink suits me. 'And that tight Jeans you had?', you will ask. My mother's fault: my sister's pile of Jeans mixed with mine. Sorry to disappoint you but I am not the tasteful and charming young gay man you imagine me to be.

Listen, I can give you a hundred reasons why I should be gay. I lived the last ten years with boys whom I have eaten, read, slept, bathed, and watched scary films with. I had tickle-fights with my roommates until class 12, and I have tickled my opponents everywhere I can get my hands on(except the verry private parts, which I understand are not very ticklish). I went with my male friends to movies, restaurants, and every freaking damn place people go with their partners. Heck, I have been with my boy friends in every Valentine's day in the last ten years. With so much intimate interaction, you would think I should be as gay as a Dolphin. Unfortunately, that would be wrong: I am not gay, even though we agree, I ought to be. I haven't gotten very far into the gayness thing, and it seems I am destined to be forced into the straightness of the path traced by light outside a gravitational field.

I think it's my thinking that's messed up. Whenever I see an 'attractively dressed' man, I think: 'Yeah the dude's like, whatever. Though I'd probably look better than him if I cut my beard and hair that way, and had that suit and the tie. Pfft George Clooney is so overrated.' On the other hand, I can hardly form coherent thoughts when I look at an attractively-dressed woman, let alone look at her straight in the eye; I am usually burning red with shyness and guilt-- and other feelings-- which is not good if I am supposed to be gay.

Because I am not gay, all that I have been given has been wasted. I don't understand what use I can put my beard to if I cannot rub it against my partner's rough cheeks. What's the point of being a week-kneed man if you cannot wrap your legs around your bf's sturdy legs? And what the hell am I supposed to do of my potbelly if I cannot have belly-fights with the bf(I understand I can have it with women too, but at my age, a gay bf is much easier to find than a preggie 'partner')? My ability to produce bodily noises at the most unfortunate times is of no use if I cannot compete with my bf on who can produce the most interesting noise during, say, someone's funeral.

My parents wont be shocked by my sexuality and keep denying it until it is too late. My relatives wont be able to share interesting(and overtly exaggerated) anecdotes about me. Oh, those poor policemen will not be able to cuff' me and beat me up for my 'queerness'. My heart bleeds for those masculine men in dark alleys who cannot throw volleys of the most offensive words in English and Nepali, and then pinch me on the bottom. Knowing that my non-queerness is taking away happiness from so many people hurts be. I try, but I can't win this one.

It's the media's fault. How many sexxxy gay models do you see on tv? It's all those 'attractive' female models who are messing me up. Yeah, Archies comics have that new gay guy, and The Simpsons has Smithers and The Office Oskar, but pfft, that's meager compared too all the other 'straight' characters.

Listen, all the gay men out there: I envy you-- teach me your trick. To the straight guys: yeah, whatever. And to those strong, charming, rich, sensitive, and funny young men who might be be likable enough to change my taste, and are interested in me : Yes, I am free on Wednesday; City Center sounds great, and yeah, I am looking forward to it too.

And to everyone else: ermm..uhhh...Huhh, what was that...Sorry...No, Im not sick. It's juust... Yeah, wow it's new? Yes, yes yes it looks very nice...Its very nice... So...Err--huhh...Umm, So maybe I can get something to drink? Uhh, it's okay, you can take it home...yeah you can give it to him too, but he stu--...yeah, sure...whatever you say...