So a man walks into a bar

So a man walks into a bar. The bartender asks him for a drink, and he's like, give me the strongest drink you have, it's not like it matters anyway. And the bartender's like kinda' confused, but she doesn't care, she's got stuff to do. So she gives him like a tall glass of some strong Long Island iced tea, but you know with the bar specialities...I don't even know what they call those. Anyway, so the bartender gives this to the man, and the man looks at her for the first time, and realizes she's pretty cute, daaaanggg. He's shy, but he's like what the hell might as well, and he's like, hey I know this is like super creepy or whatever, and you'll def be creeped out and stuff by it, but whatevs, so can I get your number. The bartender's a nice perceptive woman, and she's noticed how he looks kinda' down, so she thinks, what the hell, it's not like he's gonna murder me or anything, so she gives him her number.

Anyway, so as I was saying, the man is like super depressed, and wants to kill himself. So he takes out a pouch of poison, or a bottle of pills or stuff idk how they package life-ending chemicals, and pours it down his glass and stirs it. Since he just got the woman's number, he's had his ego boosted, but he doesn't really feel like anything so he's gonna take his time doing this.

Now, meanwhile, the woman happens to have a very protective and jealous kinda' boyfriend who happens to work in the bar too. But she doesn't realize all those qualities that he has, and she tells him how she gave her number to this one patron, and jokes about it. Now, he laughs about this in front of her, but is super angry about it. You know what I mean? Like, no one hits on my bae kinda guy, and he is SO mad. So he goes to the guy, catches him by the neck and says, 'Hey mister, I hear you hittin' up on my girl. I don't wanna create a problem here, but you gotta take it down, understood?' And the man is all, whatever bro, just what the fk do ya think your doing, just get off my back man. So the jealous boyfriend type guy is kinda offended, but he's gotta to what he has to, so he chugs the man's drink.

You think you know what is going to happen. Do you really though?

And the man begins to laugh uncontrollably. Like, he just won't stop. The bartender boyfriend his confused, so he asks what's up. After laughing for several minutes, the man stops and says, "So my wife left me last month and took with her everything I cared about. My house burned down last week, and the insurance company rejected my claim. I was fired from my job yesterday, and my parents called me to tell me they are disowning me. I got a call from my doctor an hour ago. I have stage three cancer. So with all that, I figured there was nothing worth living in my life, and decided to kill myself. Then I come here, and you beat me up and steal my drink. So I figured I can't even die right, because the drink was supposed to be poisoned". He is still laughing.

The bartender becomes pale, and is about to call 911 when the man adds, "And now I realize I cannot even do the not dying part right. I still have the poison on me-- I instead put the horse laxative that I had brought for my boss in the drink instead." And thus the bartender shits up a mountain, as they say in french.