Decisions, decisions

I want to write, but I don’t know what, so here’s a sort of story.
 

There was never enough time for her.

Ever.

She had to do so many things, and most of them happened to happen at the same time. Appointment with the dentist or meeting the new writer. Going to Baglung to see the new spot that had been subject to so much fawning or taking care of her three nephews and four nieces who wanted to be with her. She had to make tough choices.

Once she started doing it, she became quite good at it. Making tough decisions on the moment became second nature to her. Her friends would be amused by how she would curse the leaders from all around the world who came on the news for their ‘indecision’. She would actually have made an excellent adviser or an intern to any important global leader.

Decisiveness can sometimes lead you to places you don’t want to go, even if you are very informed about the repercussions of your decisions. She had been lucky she had never ever felt the repercussions of her decisions. Her choices had mostly been about her, and things she had missed out on, she would always somehow makeup for later. That way, even if she missed spending time with her nieces and nephews who absolutely adored her, she would make up for it by taking somewhere nice for the weekends and filling them to the brim with whatever they wanted. It had taken two male shopkeepers, and three local women to keep her from buying beer for her 12-year-old niece who wanted to taste if all beer were just as bitter as the one her father usually had. She was not impulsive or stupid—she just was, and sometimes her decisiveness overrode her sensibility.

Terrorists are people too?

Uncivilised people give them bad names, but you should not. They are people too, and they have feelings, you know. The buzzwords of today’s civilized world are freedom and equality, and people should not be discriminated on the basis of their beliefs of their jobs. So quit cursing the terrorists, and give them the respect they deserve. They are no different from people of other professions like doctors, people in Tom & Jerry suits, and actresses in highly pornographic movies.

Ask yourself: would you treat a well-known pornographic actress and a well-known terrorist in the same way? Say, it’s a rainy night, you are in your vehicle in the middle-of-nowhere, and an actress comes to you in her tradition clothing, drenched to the flesh, and asks you for a lift. Now imagine a terrorist coming to you in the same situation in his traditional outfit (combat dress, rubber boots, grenade launcher on the shoulder, belt of magazines of AK-47, and an AK-47 modified for urban combat slung behind the back). Would you have the same feelings towards both of them? If you would, congratulations, you are ready for the new world of freedom and equality, if not—you have a lot of work ahead of you.

Why should the poor terrorist be treated so poorly just because in the course of events, he decided to make killing people, destroying infrastructure, and making lives of fellow humans terrible, a profession for the rest of his life? It is not any different from a nerd deciding to become a computer engineer, and going on to become the richest man on earth, or an ambitious young man promising to become the President, only to work later as a mid-level clerk with decent pay but no real future and prospect for promotion? They are the one and the same, and you must respect them all the same to become a ‘civilized’ person.

Some misguided people argue that a terrorist’s job is misanthropic—meaning, killing people is not the right thing to do and therefore the terrorist is not doing the ‘right’ thing. Well, who gives those people the right to decide between what is right and wrong? They are in reality, misguided self-righteous souls who think everyone should listen to their views and do whatever they say because they are the ‘smart ones’ or they can ‘make decisions’. Do not let those people fool you into thinking that they are correct and that all humans are not equals. They are actually fascist communist socialist Nazis who disagree with the idea of human equality and advocate for some classes of human beings to be placed higher than other, and some lower. Would you want to be on the side of those Nazis and communists who killed caused deaths several magnitudes greater than the actual fighting in World war II (Mao, Stalin, Hitler) or with the idea of human dignity and equality and the concept that all humans are equal?

Prepare for ACT

This is the day I have been dreading for months- I have ACT tomorrow.

I have been preparing for the last week or so and have used a lot of my internet time looking at ACT prep guides, sites and the sorts. But, I have not really done the heavy sort of preparation some people do. And whenever I do practice tests, I totally freak out: 'Ah!! I meant that answer' are so common with me.

Anyway. I have been told not to get too nervous. I have met only 2 people who have taken the test and one of them got 33 while the other got 34. Standards are pretty high for me, yeah but hey, I don't know relative marks. Ignorance is so, Bliss :-)

Despite being totally freaked out and confuse and nervous, I till have some advice to those who are taking ACT. I will try to make them a bit more related to Nepal but it will be good for everyone. Here it goes:

• READ the instructions on the Booklet before you actually take the test. Even better- know the instructions before you go to the test hall so that you save some time.
• PLAN the essay before you write it. Don't be an overconfident idiot: planning for five minutes will get you much better results and an organized essay
• DON'T skim the questions; Read each and every word and understand the question before looking at the answers.At the beginning of your essay, make sure readers will see that you understand the issue.
• GUESS answer before looking at the options and compare them, choose the best one.
• THINK before answering the questions. Sometimes, because of nervousness or overconfidence, the brain goes into Auto-Pilot mode and starts to do things by itself. Don't let that happen.
• LOOK at ALL the options before you answer a question, even if you are 90% sure of yourself. You will realize that people frequently make mistakes because they get hyped by the time pressure and answer the first option that looks like a good answer.
• PRAY. Even if you are an atheist, it does not matter if you pray. You could ask your girlfriend for help, or maybe your dead grandparents. It is the belief that counts; not the existence.
• FEEL the questions. For example, when doing Science, think of yourself as a scientist and try to look at the questions from a scientist's viewpoint. In writing, become a very good mature writer and analyze the question from her point and try to write.

BEST OF LUCK!!!
TO ME AND TO YOU;->

Equality for All: Ingestion and Excretion

Human civilization has perfected a lot of things like space travel, and the process to turn all the useless animals parts into yummy sausages, but it still lags behind in so many important fields where real research and innovation is required. One of the most important fields where much research has to be done to make lives better is finding a way to make it possible to go to the loo during classes without having to be embarrassed.

Going to the toilet is normal. It’s not unnatural. Ok, I may have lied a bit there, as you may well know that the ‘natural’ thing to do is to get your body rid of bodily wastes wherever you want to and whenever you want to, like the wild animals. However since human beings discovered that having human excreta near (or inside) the kitchen utensils was more trouble than it was worth, they made a timetable and place for people to defecate and urinate, so that people would not mistake someone else digestive wastes as food and ingest them, only to create several magnitudes more of wastes themselves later on. For a modern human being, going to the toilet is as natural as it can get.

So if it is so natural, why is everyone so ashamed of it? Why do students and employees go far as telling that they are suffering from Venereal disease, but not admit to the fact that they actually have diarrhoea? And why does anyone ‘civilised’ never ask the teacher to ‘go take a dump’ or ‘pee’, but use all sorts of interesting but confusing euphemisms for the same?

The truth is, going to the toilet and getting rid of the bodily wastes as become a taboo in our food—obsessed society. Ingesting things has come to be associated with pride, and excreting with shame. No one uses euphemisms to say that they are going to a restaurant, or a McDonalds. A ‘Umm, yeah, I have to go to the Foodroom[or some other euphemism for eating], but I will be back’ is never heard but ‘Hey I am feeling hungry, are you? Let’s go to eat and talk over lunch’ is very acceptable. People should start saying, “Hey, I feel I have to take a dump. Do you? Oh, okay, let’s go to the toilet, and discuss this from the neighbouring cubicles while we take the dump.”

Just like the restaurant reviews, there should be reviews for the Loos of those restaurants.
 ‘This Loo has a wonderful noise reduction system. According to our tests, even if you fart as loud as a Jet plane taking of, the neighbour in next stall is going to hear next to nothing.’
‘The gas-cancellation system installed here is state-of-the art, and you will not find a better system anywhere else. Even if your bodily gas releases consist of smells with combination of rotten cabbages, rotten fish, rotten egg, and all other vile rotten living beings, this will absorb all of them like magic’ 

Despite our political correctness, and our general understanding of equality and equity, we have been unable to give excretion the same respect we give to ingestion. Let’s make it a point to change this for the better as our mission for the next year.

Line, Line Go Away...

Our mum taught us English nursery rhymes before she taught us not to pee in pants. That's why I have a very emotional connection with them(the rhymes, that is). With pants all wet, the best we could do to make mother happy was singing the nursery rhymes in our cutest and most incomprehensible dialect.

Thing is, sometimes wishes do come true. And sometimes, wishes that you don't wish come true come true. The same happened with that stupid 'Line, Line go away; Never come back again' rhyme. At that time, I'd think, 'Goo OoZtoa Taa aa maagaaa,' which is nonsense, but had I been smarter I'd have thought, 'Look at me! I'm singing like a rock star. Hm.. maybe I should have my solo concert really soon.' How stupid and immature I was then! My point is: I should never have sung that prophetic song. My childhood predictions became a reality-- Nostradamus' old-hood ones did not.

As I sit in front of my Computer typing this, the screen suddenly goes blank. Power Cut. No, I won't have a UPS, if that is what you are thinking. That sort of protection is for sissies. Real heroes dare to go to the battlefield without any sort of protection or shield.(That would explain why we don't see too many real-life heroes these days but a lot of their children.) The 'line' is back after five minutes, as if paying a tribute to my courage and bravery. Someone said we Nepalis are brave because we are stupid. That's totally misguided. We are brave because the other party does things like taking our TV & Computer away or cutting our pipeline supply of Raksi so much that we can take it no more.

Nepal is very rich in water resources, as you have read. But you don't know that much of this 'resources' is kept in Banks. This is why our tiny economy can comfortably sustain virtually infinite banks and we are poor even though we are rich. Sand and Stones come from banks. Sometimes, gold does, but that is rare. When banks are broken, a lot of people become rich but even more become poor. I mentioned banks here because we don't have electricity due to broken Banks. As Krisna says: If you make mistake, you suffer; if the banker makes mistakes, you suffer again, only a lot more.

About those rhymes again, the nation will progress only when we have rhymes suitable to our context. Instead of 'black sheep', we should be teaching our kids 'Buffalo Boffin'. Forget those cute english-speaking sissy fairies. Tell them of 'Ballu the Bangur' or 'Bahadur the Super-Guard'. If you are a progressive person(and not a regressive one), you could read them the adventures of Red Panther and ow he finished off ten-thousand monsters in a single blow. Whatever you do, never, ever, make them sing classic nursery rhymes-- we don't want them coming true. If you are out of ideas, make some yourself. A suggestion:

We Shall become rich, We shall become rich...

We shall become rich, In ten years...

Oho deep in my red,red heart, I do believe

We shall become rich, In ten years

Before you forget, change the diapers regularly. We DON'T want wet babies singing such songs of glory.

I, God

Name's Karma, God Vishwo Karma. I am the God of machines and machinery and I want to straighten a few facts. Don't worry, though, I won't advocate vegetarianism or non-violence.

Let me start with this bali, offering thing. You will not be a sinner if you take a thousand and one lives for my sake. I'll just say. 'Okay, someone's going to have a really bad stomach this Dashain,' or, 'Whoa! Where'd you get the money to buy this fatso from? Beware of the dangers lurking ahead(CIAA),' and that's it. Don't listen to those diarrhea- prone ones who say animals should not be sacrificed for festivals. You can kill as many goats and buffaloes and chickens as you can afford for for me. Just make sure I don't get charged for inciting excessive violence and encouraging savagery. By the way, there are no favors in return for all those hyakulas and feelies. You drive recklessly, you get killed; don't bring me into this stuff. Also, I did not get to eat them anyway, so why on earth should I help you?

And then there is this interesting thing I saw in the cities during Nawami. All the boys were doing Pujas and the girls were being told that it is VishwoKarma Puja, only boys should do it. Really? I didn't know that! Either I am so stupid that I don't remember what I speak or, a lot of you are big-fat liars who will use my name for the smallest lies and then wake up at three in the morning to worship me very devoutly. I hope it is the second one; Gods cannot be idiots, after all. Can they?

Finally, I can hear a lot of noises being made on God not differentiating on economic grounds. It's a lie, don't believe it. Have you ever seen a beggar begging from a Limousine? Or a Gaine giving performance from his Private Jet? Fine, you may have seen one or two but my point is, if Donald Trump has a Limo where he can make business deals, why can't a beggar bet from a Limo too? If U2 can perform in a Jet, why can't the Gaine who thinks singing should be done at unconventional times, like in the middle of the night?Got my point? The rich have everything they want; the poor, not a thing. That's because Mrs. Laxmi and all other we Divine Beings look upon the financial statement of our worshipers before giving anything.

If you have any queries or suggestions to me or about my work, keep them to yourself. I have enough work without stupid humans pestering me with unwanted questions and suggestions. Be careful! I will lock you in the toilet if you anger me!

Remember this: I may or may not exist; no one can be sure. Therefore, there is a possibility I might come down as your Prime Minister.

Milkier than milk

There is one thing that is contaminating milk products throughout the world and scaring everyone: 'Cow Dung'. The problem is cows. They give milk, which is nice, but they also give dung, which is not-so-nice. For the uninitiated, 'cow dung' is a substance that is a major component of politicians' brains and also the same stuff that smells when someone-- er.. you know.

Cows give dung because they give milk. You see, dung is made up of green vegetables, which cows eat, and milk is made up of beer, which cows drink when no one's looking. Since they don't do too much driving, they always drink till they black out, and have a really bad hangover the next day. Green vegetables are good for hangover, they eat it, and we have to put up with all this s*** in our milk.

There has been a global panic regarding this milk thing. There is a very simple solution to it: don't drink milk or anything related to it. You may argue that it is going to be very difficult as pretty much everything, including car tires, is made up of milk. You are right. In that case, I have two solutions: first, stop eating car tires and second, don't get near to any semi-solid substance in milk. Know that white stuff that floats in the milk mug? That is pure dung. The purest, even though your mother may call it 'cream'. People normally want you to have it so they can have the milk part. Don't fall for it.

Some big, evil, multinational companies advertise that milk is good for your bones. Don't believe them. Ask your doctor. If she says the same thing,then. she is probably a paid agent of one of those rich companies; stop going to her. They are just trying to male some money selling you dung so that they can have milk for themselves to make milk-shakes and ice-creams. Instead, make some milk yourself. The recipe is given below:

MILK

Ingredients

• Sugar (lots of)
• Water (One liter Kerosene bottle)
• Cooking Gas (whatever you have)
• White Color
• Cow
• Bucket
• DairyMilk (Note:DairyMilk is Not milk)

1.Mix everything(leave the cow alone!) in a container and heat it till you have no more cooking gas left.

2.Milk MUST come from a cow, so take your mixture near one and pretend to milk the cow. Make sure you pull the cow's udders and nothing else- things are pretty confusing down there.

3.Enjoy the natural milk without any artificial contamination.

Cheers!

Mexicana in Nepal

I sometimes wonder why we don't have any Mexicans in Nepal. How come US of America is swamped with Mexicans so much so that some actually dislike them, but in Nepal, where they are really required, they are only found in handfuls, and those that are found are treated as celebrities? Why cant more Mexicans come to Nepal to be treated as celebs.

There's this idea that all the Mexican girls are really hawt, and Mexican guys are like Hritik Roshan in that chocolate ad. I'm not sure if that's true, but either way, I want more Mexicans in Nepal.

I understand Mexico is a lot like Nepal. There's a lot of crime, and drug cartels(and such as other criminal groups)  threaten the government, there are more poor people than rich people, their Capital is basically a hell-hole, and all the Mexicans are totally crazy about Um'Reeka. So there's just one difference between Mexico and Nepal: while Mexicans only 'totally crazy', Nepalis are like 'OMG, OMG! This is totally so kickass awesomme... This is my drream... Yayy' about USA.

Mexican food is good too, if you like the combination of  bland food items mixed with spicy stuff that WILL cause smoke to come out of the hair-pores on your scalp. It's a rad combination, that only Mexico and Nepal share in the whole wide Universe, and so Mexicans are cool and awesome, just like flying toy helicopter that my parents got for me in my 14th Birthday, but which, unfortunately I broke in 2 days, mainly because I did not understand that helicopter wings are really fragile and are not to be messed with or experimented upon by manually pushing around.

 That is not to imply that Mexicans are fragile, but that Mexicans are nice, and they are very cheap for Americans, and Americans would like to have as many as they can have unless, of course, they actually ask for something like money, food, or amenities, after which they become expensive toys you cannot maintain, and therefore have to be sent back home because they can no more stay legally in your country because how can they? Can't you see that they are doing jobs in your country for half or less of what anyone else is willing to do for, while your other countrymen are going jobless because they simply do not agree to working for so cheap, and that is not good for your country and the American People?