Message #1 - Friday, 6:14PM: Shirish, Shirish. Shaan. Everyone's here... Lame that you couldn't make it. All I have to say is, sometimes you just have to kick the stupid college right where it hurts, and live your life. Um, anyway, Nisha says hi and that weird new kid from Spain has been asking about you. Oh, and ha! Some old fat-ish dude in Dhaka topi and Daura Suruwal just showed up saying he knows you and—
Message #2 - Friday, 8:02PM: Okay, Shirish? You need to come down here and get Kumar ji or whoever... How do you know this guy? He's, like, forty? Almost bald? He said his name. It sounds Russian to me, but he doesn't look very Russian. Oh, and I can't say "Russian," because I'm drunk. How the heck did he get here? Anyway, he's already spilled drinks on like, half the party, and he's bumming everyone out with his stories. This is Shaan.
Message #3 - Friday, 9:40AM: Hey. Shaan again. I suppose you're studying for the 'big exam' or whatever, but if you get this message tonight, call me back... I'm freaking out. One of Biki's friends. Mahesh or Manish or somebody. He was all drunkenly hitting on Rita. Just drooling all over her and trying to touch her shoulders, right? And she was just trying not to be mean but, like, shooting looks at Ishu and me. Like, "Help!" And then, all of a sudden there were, like, these slinging sounds and this guy with long hair and old 80's clothes… Anand! That's right. The guy's name was Anand. But anyway, the 80's hero Guy just…appeared and, like, made some kind of proclamation which sounded a lot like he was asking for votes. And then he said something about 'saving her privates'. Oh wait, that might have been something else. But I am pretty sure he kind-of said she was his mother, and we should all care about her privates, at one point. Is he a Leftie? And then some other guys from the 80's came and carried him off! Everyone thought it was a prank until they tied him up and tried taking him to the 'camp'. I mean, yeah, that Anand guy was annoying, but what the heck? Rita was pretty upset, but then we did some shots in his honor and— You feel better, right Rita?! She feels better. Oh, and Daura Suruwal guy is puking in every freaking place now. This is some horror movie material.
Message #4 - Friday, 10:36AM: Shaan again. I can't believe you're missing this. Do you remember that guy from high school, Dipesh SJB? You remember, the guy with two watches and gray hair, who tried to smuggle a sword into school once… Well, he was just here! SJB, in the flesh! He just came in uninvited, walked right up to Rita and went into this long speech declaring his love for her. The music stopped and everyone was watching. And she just – I don't know how or why, but she just – wrapped her arms around him and started crying, saying, like, she’d felt the same way about him since the fourth grade and everything. I was just totally blown away. Everyone started clapping. Well, first, it was just that idiot Prajesh Pande. The guy who used to make ten-year old kids wash his socks and underpants? Yeah, clapping all slow and movie-like, as if he was the hero's best-friend in a romantic scene. And then, one by one, everyone else did too, until everyone was Dipesh! Dipesh! I have to admit I was really pretty caught up in it, until I looked over and that Dhaka Guy was doing some kind of freaky Teej-dance off by himself. All shirtless, and, like swaying his hips around. and music was not playing either. People started to notice him and stopped clapping one by one. His grunting was pretty loud. Aaand, moment over! This is the best party EVER.
Message #5 - Friday, 11:17AM: Well, Operation Mess Everything Up is apparently all systems go. Pretty much everyone just bailed, because some girl with glasses decided it was time to pop up out of nowhere and tell everyone that...are you ready? She's pregnant! Yeah, step one: Go to a random party. Check. Step two: "Hello, I am pregnant and I am scared. Oh, and by the way, I don't know anyone here." Even had her medical records and everything, the dumb brat. Then her parents are somehow standing there. Like, what? I mean, when on Earth did someone make a frikking underground railroad for random people leading into my party in Durbarmarg? Right? But anyway, so everyone's all crying and shit. “Natasha, Natasha. I’m so sorry about your ass boyfriend, it'll be okay! My friend once – ” That’s the girl’s name. Natasha. And all I can think is, too bad for Natasha that she's in front of her parents wearing a t-shirt smaller than a handkerchief. Oh…and she’s pregnant! Yeah, then that song I really hate starts playing... Shirish, I have no damn idea who goes around requesting songs in my party, okay? If I sound coherent, that’s only because fear has dried me. I'm deeply, deeply horrified right now… Oh, lord. Dhaka Topi Guy's talking to Rita. I gotta go.
Message #6 - Friday 11:42: Hey, it's me again. So I'm alone in the club, paying for everything's that's been broken. I could start my own club with this kind of money. Anyone still around left after the cops showed up, I guess. Oh, right. Someone shouted 'Police' and everyone started running around and jumping out of windows like they were hookers caught in the act. Oh, and Police, here? It's like, has Durbarmarg somehow become Thamel or what? Hate the poliiiiiccceee!
Message #7 - Saturday, 10:58AM: Hey, Bro'. This is Shaan. Sorry about all those calls last night. Just ignore. Biki texted me, and I guess someone put some weird stuff in my drink. Like, some serious bhang or something? So I guess all that was just a dream or in my head or whatever. I know, right? Well, I gotta' start studying right after I get rid of the hang-over. See you at the exam hall tomorrow.
Message #2 - Friday, 8:02PM: Okay, Shirish? You need to come down here and get Kumar ji or whoever... How do you know this guy? He's, like, forty? Almost bald? He said his name. It sounds Russian to me, but he doesn't look very Russian. Oh, and I can't say "Russian," because I'm drunk. How the heck did he get here? Anyway, he's already spilled drinks on like, half the party, and he's bumming everyone out with his stories. This is Shaan.
Message #3 - Friday, 9:40AM: Hey. Shaan again. I suppose you're studying for the 'big exam' or whatever, but if you get this message tonight, call me back... I'm freaking out. One of Biki's friends. Mahesh or Manish or somebody. He was all drunkenly hitting on Rita. Just drooling all over her and trying to touch her shoulders, right? And she was just trying not to be mean but, like, shooting looks at Ishu and me. Like, "Help!" And then, all of a sudden there were, like, these slinging sounds and this guy with long hair and old 80's clothes… Anand! That's right. The guy's name was Anand. But anyway, the 80's hero Guy just…appeared and, like, made some kind of proclamation which sounded a lot like he was asking for votes. And then he said something about 'saving her privates'. Oh wait, that might have been something else. But I am pretty sure he kind-of said she was his mother, and we should all care about her privates, at one point. Is he a Leftie? And then some other guys from the 80's came and carried him off! Everyone thought it was a prank until they tied him up and tried taking him to the 'camp'. I mean, yeah, that Anand guy was annoying, but what the heck? Rita was pretty upset, but then we did some shots in his honor and— You feel better, right Rita?! She feels better. Oh, and Daura Suruwal guy is puking in every freaking place now. This is some horror movie material.Message #4 - Friday, 10:36AM: Shaan again. I can't believe you're missing this. Do you remember that guy from high school, Dipesh SJB? You remember, the guy with two watches and gray hair, who tried to smuggle a sword into school once… Well, he was just here! SJB, in the flesh! He just came in uninvited, walked right up to Rita and went into this long speech declaring his love for her. The music stopped and everyone was watching. And she just – I don't know how or why, but she just – wrapped her arms around him and started crying, saying, like, she’d felt the same way about him since the fourth grade and everything. I was just totally blown away. Everyone started clapping. Well, first, it was just that idiot Prajesh Pande. The guy who used to make ten-year old kids wash his socks and underpants? Yeah, clapping all slow and movie-like, as if he was the hero's best-friend in a romantic scene. And then, one by one, everyone else did too, until everyone was Dipesh! Dipesh! I have to admit I was really pretty caught up in it, until I looked over and that Dhaka Guy was doing some kind of freaky Teej-dance off by himself. All shirtless, and, like swaying his hips around. and music was not playing either. People started to notice him and stopped clapping one by one. His grunting was pretty loud. Aaand, moment over! This is the best party EVER.
Message #5 - Friday, 11:17AM: Well, Operation Mess Everything Up is apparently all systems go. Pretty much everyone just bailed, because some girl with glasses decided it was time to pop up out of nowhere and tell everyone that...are you ready? She's pregnant! Yeah, step one: Go to a random party. Check. Step two: "Hello, I am pregnant and I am scared. Oh, and by the way, I don't know anyone here." Even had her medical records and everything, the dumb brat. Then her parents are somehow standing there. Like, what? I mean, when on Earth did someone make a frikking underground railroad for random people leading into my party in Durbarmarg? Right? But anyway, so everyone's all crying and shit. “Natasha, Natasha. I’m so sorry about your ass boyfriend, it'll be okay! My friend once – ” That’s the girl’s name. Natasha. And all I can think is, too bad for Natasha that she's in front of her parents wearing a t-shirt smaller than a handkerchief. Oh…and she’s pregnant! Yeah, then that song I really hate starts playing... Shirish, I have no damn idea who goes around requesting songs in my party, okay? If I sound coherent, that’s only because fear has dried me. I'm deeply, deeply horrified right now… Oh, lord. Dhaka Topi Guy's talking to Rita. I gotta go.
Message #6 - Friday 11:42: Hey, it's me again. So I'm alone in the club, paying for everything's that's been broken. I could start my own club with this kind of money. Anyone still around left after the cops showed up, I guess. Oh, right. Someone shouted 'Police' and everyone started running around and jumping out of windows like they were hookers caught in the act. Oh, and Police, here? It's like, has Durbarmarg somehow become Thamel or what? Hate the poliiiiiccceee!
Message #7 - Saturday, 10:58AM: Hey, Bro'. This is Shaan. Sorry about all those calls last night. Just ignore. Biki texted me, and I guess someone put some weird stuff in my drink. Like, some serious bhang or something? So I guess all that was just a dream or in my head or whatever. I know, right? Well, I gotta' start studying right after I get rid of the hang-over. See you at the exam hall tomorrow.
Writer's Note: Submitted to two publications. Unpublished. And then I thought, what better place than my own blog, amirite? Oh, and you can see my writing on Page 7 of Today's (Jan 3) Kathmandu Post.