Also Published in The Kathmandu Post on Jan 2. You can read it here.
I don't flirt. Ever.
If you ever get the slightest hint that I am attempting to flirt, you should immediately inform me, so that I may stop doing whatever flirt-y thing I did. To be on the safe side, you should also have a mullet or other heavy object with you, but that's optional.
I have absolutely no idea how this flirting thing works. Perhaps that's why I am asked by guys all the time if I am gay or what, and that I should totally stop talking to them that way.
“What way?” I ask sarcastically?
“There, you just did it just now. Dude, you must stop doing that or I am totally not hanging out with you. I have a girlfriend now, you know,” they say. Good for you, well done! Now help me here and tell me what I did when I flirted with you.
Once, I complimented a girl classmate for a great dress – I told her that purple dress went great with her fair complexion from across the class. A fellow girl classmate piped in - “You know he's trying to flirt with you, right,” she asked the girl. I had to shout in, swearing that I would never 'flirt' with her, that I did not even know how to flirt, and make several secret-spilling threats to the loudmouthed classmate to bring the situation under control. Granted she's a model, and the purple dress did look rather pretty on her, but I swear I was not trying to flirt.
I understand that this lack of knowledge in one of the basic social moves makes me a outlier. So my friends have tried to help – provided that I do not talk weirdly with them. So, do you want to flirt with guys or girls, they ask, just to confirm. Guys, I answer. 'Sure?', I am asked? Definitely.
The first step, I am told, is confidence. You have to talk smooth, and if a subject that you don't know pops up, you have to make things up on the go. “How do I feint knowledge about ancient Greek mythology,” I ask. “What? You don't talk about those kind of stuff. Smart girls are boring, and no one's interested in that kind of stuff. Talk about cool stuff, like music, and guitarists, and songs—things like that,” I am told. I disagree, but hold my tongue.
The next step is apparently a modicum of arrogance. “You don't get girls by being the lovable cute guy who nods his head, and smiles kindly. You have to be mean,” they say. I nod my head vigorously to indicate I understand. I would be making notes too, had I not been informed that making notes for anything other than economics class is dorky. The final step is a mean smirk. When someone smirks at you while speaking, it means s/he is flirting. I think of the innumerable times Harry Potter's nemesis smirks at him in Harry Potter books, and start to rethink about their relationship, but then I remember the part about not being a dork. I try practicing smirking, and after several dozen rather awful attempts, told that I should probably give up, that there's nothing they can do for me, and I should wait for my parents to find a suitable girl to – marry. The guys have given up on me, and even though I know the basic theory behind flirting, I still cant flirt.
So the next time you see me flirting, that's probably me practicing for some drama, or complimenting someone in a rather manly manner. I want to change, really! For now, I still don't flirt.
That was the draft; here's the edited piece which was published in the Post.
I don’t flirt. Ever. If you ever get the slightest hint that I am attempting to flirt, you should immediately inform me, so that I may stop doing whatever flirty thing I did and remember it for a more suitable occasion. I have absolutely no idea how this flirting thing works. Perhaps that’s why I am often asked by guys to, ‘Bro, stop talking to me like that.’
Once, I complimented a girl classmate for a great dress—I told her that the purple dress went great with her fair complexion from across the class. A fellow female classmate piped in, “You know he’s trying to flirt with you, right?” she asked the girl. I had to intervene, swearing that I would never flirt with her. That I did not even know how to flirt! I understand that this lack of knowledge in one of the most basic social interactions makes me an outlier and so my friends have tried to help—provided that I do not inadvertently flirt with them.
The first step, I am told, is confidence. You have to talk smooth, and if a subject that you don’t know pops up, you have to make things up on the fly.
‘How do I feign knowledge about ancient Greek mythology?’ I ask. ‘What? You don’t talk about those kinds of things. Smart girls are boring, and no one’s interested in that kind of stuff. Talk about cool stuff, like music, and guitarists, and songs—things like that,’ I am told. I disagree, but I hold my tongue. These are experienced flirters I am dealing with.
The next step is apparently a modicum of arrogance. ‘You don’t get girls by being the lovable cute guy who nods his head, and smiles kindly. You have to be mean,’ they say. I nod my head vigorously to indicate I understand. I would be taking notes too, had I not been informed that taking notes for anything other than economics class is dorky. The final step is a mean smirk. When someone smirks at you while speaking, it apparently means he or she is flirting. I think of the innumerable times Harry Potter’s nemesis smirks at him in Harry Potter books, and start to rethink their relationship, but then I remember the part about not being a dork. I try practicing smirking, and after several dozen awful attempts, am told that I should probably give up, that there’s nothing they can do for me, and I should wait for my parents to find a suitable girl to marry. My mentors have given up on me, and even though I now know the basic theory of flirting, I still can’t flirt.
So the next time you see me flirting, that’s probably me practicing for some drama, or complimenting someone in a rather manly manner. I’m hoping to improve, maybe give tuition another shot, but for now, I still don’t flirt.
Once, I complimented a girl classmate for a great dress—I told her that the purple dress went great with her fair complexion from across the class. A fellow female classmate piped in, “You know he’s trying to flirt with you, right?” she asked the girl. I had to intervene, swearing that I would never flirt with her. That I did not even know how to flirt! I understand that this lack of knowledge in one of the most basic social interactions makes me an outlier and so my friends have tried to help—provided that I do not inadvertently flirt with them.
The first step, I am told, is confidence. You have to talk smooth, and if a subject that you don’t know pops up, you have to make things up on the fly.
‘How do I feign knowledge about ancient Greek mythology?’ I ask. ‘What? You don’t talk about those kinds of things. Smart girls are boring, and no one’s interested in that kind of stuff. Talk about cool stuff, like music, and guitarists, and songs—things like that,’ I am told. I disagree, but I hold my tongue. These are experienced flirters I am dealing with.
The next step is apparently a modicum of arrogance. ‘You don’t get girls by being the lovable cute guy who nods his head, and smiles kindly. You have to be mean,’ they say. I nod my head vigorously to indicate I understand. I would be taking notes too, had I not been informed that taking notes for anything other than economics class is dorky. The final step is a mean smirk. When someone smirks at you while speaking, it apparently means he or she is flirting. I think of the innumerable times Harry Potter’s nemesis smirks at him in Harry Potter books, and start to rethink their relationship, but then I remember the part about not being a dork. I try practicing smirking, and after several dozen awful attempts, am told that I should probably give up, that there’s nothing they can do for me, and I should wait for my parents to find a suitable girl to marry. My mentors have given up on me, and even though I now know the basic theory of flirting, I still can’t flirt.
So the next time you see me flirting, that’s probably me practicing for some drama, or complimenting someone in a rather manly manner. I’m hoping to improve, maybe give tuition another shot, but for now, I still don’t flirt.