I'm not complaining or anything, it's just an observation on life that's helped me understand some decisions that I thought were incomprehensible, in the last several weeks. No matter how high your self worth is, how self-confident and high-reaching you are, how strong your willpower maybe, if everybody keeps telling you all the time constantly implicitly or explicitly, that you're a piece of shit, or that you're worthless, or that you know, you're a loser etcetera, it's hard to not buy in, because either you're wrong or the rest of the universe is, and better be wrong and correct yourself than be an insane person in a sane universe? Gosh this is awful, and I don't blame particularly anybody for it, and nobody's told me any of the above things exactly or even nearly, but man some things get into your bones and are so very hard to get out of. I understand now why some people...or many people...make some stupendously confusing and baffling decisions. Because they can't see the world beyond the world they're shown, and they ignore their own lying eyes and ears and instead replace their reality with the fabricated one of their co-conspirators.
Reality is constructed, and it's important to ground yourself in the same reality as the rest of the universe.
Who knows if I'll cover up for the past posts, or post going onward, sometimes it is so...tiring and it's not worth having your own independent self, no? Like, what's the point even, just give in. So much less work, and surrender yourself to the strange new realities of your experience, and live that life you never wanted. Fuckit?
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