I don't know if it was my lifestyle, or the weather, or that lavender oil extract I was taking once or twice daily, but the weeks and months preceding my journey to the East Coast and then to Nepal had been the most peaceful and relaxing and zen I'd ever gotten. I was bragging to my friend P about how well I was doing and how life could be all so easy and wonderful and man how I was an enlightened being sometimes when I was in Seattle.
Being in Kathmandu has brought me the same background dread and fear that's inexorable that I've always had. KTM is relaxing and I could imagine myself staying here for extended periods, for sure, and this is a new thing. And it wouldn't be as bad as I've dreaded for long if I was wealthy enough. Just gotta ignore looking at the wrong parts. But this sense of dread and anxiety, doesn't feel like it'll go away as long as I am here. Always feels like I'm missing out on something, that this is not it, that ugh, I don't know, there's something missing.
It might not be Nepal, maybe it's just Kathmandu, my goal is to figure that out next. But I'm not enjoying this feeling, like at all. I gotta do better, find myself in more peace.
Anywho, once I get my silexan tablets again, perhaps I'll be singing to a different tune?
There's hope.
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