I fear it might be time to abandon this 3-year experiment with self-control and discipline I've been doing on this blog. The motivation's not there anymore, it's a burden and increasingly it's getting to sucking out joy out of my life. And the failure is completely mine, if only I could set up proper time to write, force myself to write daily and be really good with self motivation, or even discipline, it would work. And it hasn't. And the failure's not that of writing or the blog, it's in my attempt for self-growth. It's possible that'll never happen, such a depressing thought yeah but worse things have happened and really this is not too bad. I'll learn to live with the complete failure.
Might be time to take some break. It's so draining, this whole situation. And with everything else being like, just fine, sometimes the question that's gotten harder to answer is, what is the fuckin' point of this blog anyway. Why do I care about writing, or getting better at it. Which, by the way, is not happening because I don't edit I don't read. I don't write for like 10 days and shit out like 40 posts in a single day, rush it over two days, not doing anything and in fear of the large backlog once more.
Obviously I'll be posting again, possibly in a few hours but I'm considering it now. Either I do it with slightly more effort or I stop doing this. I've said in the past, half-assing is better than not doing something at all, still true, but if we're going to be half-assing forever and never putting any effort to improving, is whatever we're doing worth doing, perhaps it's time for realignment. I should really consider realigning. Perhaps writing is not my thing.
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