Excerpts on period, blood, menustration etc.

In modern South Asia, the wedding ritual is all that protects most bride-grooms against the awesome powers of their virgin brides. This ceremony is, however, supplemented in many parts of India by an intervention on the part of the bride’s mother or some other close female relative, who ensures that the hymen is broken prior to marriage. Alternately, the role of absorbing the magical dangers of virginal blood, in puberty and marriage rites, will be filled by a female specialist, such as a midwife or the wife of a barber. Yet, in at least one case, the role of the male brahmin priest appears to have remained operative, at least until recent times. The “tying of the tali,” a mock marriage practiced among the high-caste Na ¯yar communities of Kerala, was, until recent date, a ritual defloration of a virgin by a surrogate “husband,” often a brahmin priest, enacted to defuse the power of menstrual blood shed following menarche. Interestingly, the present-day rationale for this rite is that it protects a traditional Hindu girl from dying a widow, regardless of her future sexual life.

Another Newar ritual also appears to echo Vedic concerns. During her first menstrual period, a maiden releases poisons from her womb such that were they to be exposed to the sun, would render that heavenly body impure. In this particular context, the danger of this and every successive menstrual flow is neutralized through the use of a barha khya, a cotton effigy of a part-deity, part-spirit that is believed to possess the girl and is hung on the wall of the seclusion room. The khya, commonly represented as a
dwarfed and pudgy figure who is black in color with curly hair and red pouting lips, would appear to be a surrogate vulva.

Karin Kapadia, noting that female puberty rites, while absent from the north, are widespread in the south, points to the fact that these rituals take the form of a symbolic marriage. Here, menstruation is viewed as a second birth for females, since it is with menarche that the mysterious power of creating children is “born” in women; in fact, a woman is not considered gendered until she menstruates. 

It is, however, among the non-brahmanic communities of Tamil Nadu (Pallars, Chettiars, Christian Paraiyars, and Muthrajahs) that female blood is accorded its greatest symbolic importance. These groups view female blood as a living stream through which kinship and family connectedness (sambandham), as well as the menarchal girl’s kinship with the stars and the destiny-giving planets, are transmitted. It is for this reason that menstrual horoscopes are cast, with calculations based on the moment at which the girl’s bleeding first began (however difficult such is to determine).

In present-day Kerala, rituals surrounding the menses of the goddess Chengannur Bhagavatı ¯ explicitly reenact the traditional puberty ceremony of high-caste Keralan girls, in which an examination of a girl’s first menstrual bloodstains on her petticoat serve to divine her future.

- Kiss of the Yogini, Ch 3.

The Globalized Jogini

Once again, in the absence of a centralized Tantric “church,” “canon,” and “pope,” people are free to plunder and reinvent the Yoginı ¯ traditions in whatever way they please, in this case to effect the bricolage that has been the hallmark of the stories humans have told about themselves from time immemorial, here in a revisionist religious mode. But none of the developments taking place in modern-day India can rival the commodification of the Yoginı ¯ going on in California and other Western “Meccas” of New Age spirituality. So, for example, a story from the business section of the New York Times, with a Beaverton, Oregon, dateline, begins: 

“She called herself the Yogini . . . ”:
She could twist her body in all kinds of ways. . . . Her body quivered
like a plucked guitar string. She was teaching at a yoga studio in Los An-
geles when she was discovered by Nike, which plastered her face across
magazines and beamed her body over television

“We love the Yogini,” said . . . a spokeswoman for Nike, as she paused
a tape of the commercial in Nike’s headquarters here [in Beaverton]. . . .
From opening women’s stores in the Los Angeles area to starting a Web
site called nikegoddess.com to creating sneakers that have a snakeskin
look, Nike is trying to dominate a market where having a trendy image
scores more points than macho advertising.

One might view this globalization of the Yoginı ¯ as her final victory, a last howling laugh against the male forces that have tried for over a millennium to domesticate her. But such would be to forget that every day, ersatz entrepreneurs of ecstasy, male and female, are still in the business of selling Yoginı ¯ kisses.

Source: Ibid.

Jogini and Juddha

 A “reminiscence” of one such Yoginı ¯ was reported recently in the daily English-language newspaper of Kathmandu, the Rising Nepal. Under the title“Reminiscence: Juddha Shumsher and the Sorceress,” the unsigned story begins:

Nobody knew her name. She was just [a] Yogini (nun) who had come
to Kathmandu from India on Shivaratri. During the Rana [r]egime. . . .
Indians were not allowed to come to Nepal without [a] passport and visa.
Only on such occasion[s as these religious festivals] they could come to
Kathmandu for a day and visit the Pashupatinath temple. . . . The her-
mits and yogis could remain for three days and leave. . . . The Yogini who
had come during the reign of Juddha Shumsher . . . did not go back to
India [with]in [the] stipulated time. She roamed about the Pashupati
area for many days and surprised people with her accurate prediction[s].
She was a middle-aged lady of dark complexion and wore a cotton sari,
blouse and a shawl. She smiled while speaking but anyone could guess
[that] she never cleaned her teeth. She accepted the invitation of some
devotees if she was pleased, and went to their residence as well. But she
never entered the house and preferred to stay out: on a bench or under
a tree in the garden.
The relatives and neighbours of the host used to come to see the lady.
Many of them brought some fruits and even clothes as offerings. . . . But
she did not accept anything and told the host to distribute it among
friends present in the garden. Sometimes she would point towards a per-
son and say to the host that the man was a criminal—he had taken a
bribe just a day before. Sometimes she would not allow a lady to touch
her feet saying the lady was a concubine of some rich person. Almost all
of the devotees charged by her did not stay there [sic] and quietly re-
turned bowing to the assembled crowd. But they spread rumours that the
so-called Yogini was a sorceress and she was in command of an evil spirit
called Karnapinchash [karn . apis ´a ¯ca]. The then prime minister Juddha
Shumsher also heard . . . the rumour. He ordered the police chief Chan-
dra Bahadur Thapa to expel the sorceress from Nepal within a week. She
used to stay in [the] Pashupati area and was always surrounded by devo-
tees who regarded her [as] a divine Yogini, not a sorceress.
The police chief also was one of her devotees and he did not dare to
arrest her immediately. He was trying to [find] the opportunity [to beg]
the P[rime] M[inister] to let the divine lady remain in Nepal. . . . On the
fourth day, a strange thing happened. The Prime Minister had gone to
[the gardens around the] Balaju [temple] for a stroll in the evening [w]here he saw the sorceress on a platform under a tree. . . . At that very
moment the sorceress saw the Prime Minister approaching in [a] rage....
Juddha Shumsher stood before her and signalled Major Thapa to come
forward. The Major ran to him with folded hands but before he could
speak, the Yogini stopped him, raising a hand. She then asked the Prime
Minister to lend her his ears so that she could tell him some matters of
importance privately. . . . She whispered in his ear for three minutes and
he nodded several times. In the end, he saluted her and requested her
to remain in this country forever. . . . No one knows [w]hat the divine
lady told Juddha. Some guessed that she must have told him his past and
future, otherwise he would not have cancelled his own order [to de-
port her]. After some months the sorceress from India disappeared. . . .
When Juddha abdicated in favour of Padma Shumsher and went to Ridi
in the guise of a hermit, people started spreading rumours that she
had predicted Juddha’s future to him in Balaju garden. No one knows
whether this is true or not, but people, including myself, still remember
the lady who had created [a] sensation in Kathmandu more than five
decades ago.

Source, Chapter 9

Faster, faster

Hurry up,
Lover.
I will wait.
But not
Forever.

Top 10 things I do at work that's not work

1.  Hackaday
   
   
2. Jalopnik
   
   
3. The news
   
   
4. Talk to coworkers
   
   
5. Tech skills upgrade
   
   
6.  Talk to friends
   
   
7. Write
   
   
8. Plan
   
   
9. Nap
   
   
10. Freak out for being unproductive
    

10 reasons I went AWOL for 20 days

1.  Serious family things.
   
   
2. Out of habit.
   
   
3. Too much time spent with parents.
   
   
4. Too much travel/non-controlled spaces.
   
   
5. Laziness
   
   
6. Lack of access to proper laptops
   
   
7. Busy with wedding stuff
   
   
8. Lack of inspiration
   
   
9. I forgot
   
   
10. Maybe I enjoy this bullshit, idk it's weird.
    

Sarvaparadhastotra by Pratapa Malla

Homage to the thrice-illustrious Kalika.
1. The sort of anguish felt by the child, whose body is tortured by the garland
of flaming digestive fires producing waves of piss and shit, reborn from his
mother's cavernous womb as a result of past evil's excess,
Can someone like me, or one still more simple-minded, describe it?
O Mother, let my faults be forgiven! Kalika, Treasure of Victory, be gracious.

2. In childhood's painful state - incapable of knowledge, in a body wet with
its own filth - one cries constantly because it is impossible to say what hurts,
and because one is greedy to drink milk,
In this state, which is totally dependent on others, there is not even recol-
lection of the mother who makes suffering cease.
O Mother, let my faults be forgiven! Kalika, Treasure of Victory, be gracious.

3. Wealth and youth feed egoism, and that mind-set respects no one. I adored
sexual games with women, and became so enchanted with this foul adoration
that not for a moment did I adore you, the Primal One, the most deserving of
those who deserve to be honored.
O Mother, let my faults be forgiven! Kalika, Treasure of Victory, be gracious.

4. In the decrepitude of old age - which consists of diseases starting with
coughing, wheezing, and being bent over, when walking and breathing are like
punishment, and the heart finds pleasure only in eating - one's thoughts are
empty of her who is Made of Pure Thought,
When I am sinking into Death's snare, befouled by my own filth, and worries
grow ever greater,
O Mother, let my faults be forgiven! Kalika, Treasure of Victory, be gracious.

5. I was unawakened in yoga, I was inattentive to the commands of the Veda
and indifferent to the orthodox smarta path, I lacked the power to apply myself
to Samkhya metaphysics and the like, I had no ears to hear talk of governance
and conduct.My thoughts lack focus even when turned to praise and reflection on you,
who are Speech Embodied.
O Mother, let my faults be forgiven! Kalika, Treasure of Victory, be gracious.

6. Located like the Supreme Siva at the Brahma-lotus atop the head, you were
never worshiped through mental acts, nor were you worshiped by means of
external rituals, such as those performed in the yantraraja by me, even though
my thoughts were pure,
Though every act was faithfully performed, fire-oblations and the rest, still
none really reached you.
O Mother, let my faults be forgiven! Kalika, Treasure of Victory, be gracious.

7. In my material body composed of the five gross elements, and of Brahma
and other deities, I did not honor you - who are eternal in the form of mantra
and the Inner Sound, who are the Queen of Breath, who are Made of Pure
Thought -
I did not honor you by means of the unparalleled sacrifice of evils cut like
animals with the sword of knowledge, because the blaze of desire and anger is
brighter than the sun and moon.
O Mother, let my faults be forgiven! Kalika, Treasure of Victory, be gracious.

8. She is that which moves in the element-free subtle body, and in the mind,
and in the essence of the self as known through insight; she is transcendent,
an extraordinary thing composed of bliss, whose own self consists of ultimate
truth,
And yet she is hidden from me. I have not even for a moment managed full
consciousness of her subliminal presence.
O Mother, let my faults be forgiven! Kalika, Treasure of Victory, be gracious.

9. Dhata [Brahma] in the form of a lotus, Hari [Visnu] in the shape of a lion,
Sambhu [Siva] as a ghost - these gods who are portions of yourself serve as
your illustrious vehicles at particular times,
But I am just a mortal who does not know single- and multi-forms at the
time of sacrifice.
O Mother, let my faults be forgiven! Kalika, Treasure of Victory, be gracious.

10. You merely fixed your gaze on the best of yogins and that Great Lord -
scorcher of Madana, bearer of the trident, holder of the bow - became the Lord
of the Simple, for his heart was stolen away,
So how shall I, of the dull and wandering thoughts, offer elegant verses of
praise to you?
O Mother, let my faults be forgiven! kalika, Treasure of Victory, be gracious.

11. Ears! Listen ceaselessly to the stream of goodly descriptions of her.
Tongue! Sing out, I say. Thoughts, meditate on her feet! You pair of eyes,
behold her body. Spirit! Merge yourself here. Nose! Smell the flowers offered
to the daughter of the Best of Mountains.
But I did not do this.
O Mother, let my faults be forgiven! Kalika, Treasure of Victory, be gracious.

12. Feet! Go forth to circumambulate daily. Hands, do puja! Head, bow your-
self in reverence. Heart, do continuous japa. Spirit, go to the state of absorption
in her!
But I, who am deeply corrupt, did not perform your worship by sharing in
Bhavani thus.
O Mother, let my faults be forgiven! Kalika, Treasure of Victory, be gracious.

13. Let her be served - by those who have realized that wisdom, wealth, land,
all forms of grandeur, immortality, and the like are but trifles made of fear,
mixed with a little happiness, and thus doomed to be consumed by Time,
With body, speech, and mind let her be served - by those who have realized
that she and Sankara are One, for she is made of Endless Bliss, she is the
Woman of the Beautiful City, she is the blessed Sankari of our City.

14. Neither in fate, nor in the opinions of the Kapalikas and their like, nor in
the collected Vedic teachings, nor in the doctrines of the Vaisnavas, the Sau-
gatas, the Saivas, the Sauras, nor of those who put Ganesa first, nor in the path
of devotion to the guru, nor in the service prescribed by the Kaulikas who
teach the rules for your observances, with perpetual, occasional, and other rites,
In none of these is your worship accomplished.
Mistress of the afflicted! Protect me who takes refuge at your feet.

15. You are the Gayatri of the Vaidikas, Daughter of the Ocean (Laksmi) of
the Vaisnavas, Mahesi of the Mahesvaras, according to the categories of doc-
trine on earth, Vajravarahi of the Saugata yogins and, further, Necessity of the
Mimamsakas.
Mother, let my faults be forgiven! Treasure of Victory, the One whom fol-
lowers of all margas serve.

16. Kali! Even at a power-seat pleasing as this, even when festival time came
around, the puja of your two feet was not openly rendered, due to my wrong-
headed negligence. Thus you have been slighted, but don't be angry with fool-
ish me, who has come to take refuge in you.
Lady, mother, giver of auspiciousness! when a bad son is born, let not the
mother turn bad too.

17. Mother! the world's Kaulikas partake of you with Six Transmissions of
teachings, and the Success of their six types of practice rests at their fingertips
easily, through your grace.
But how might I sing your praises? Even this poem is no true praise. Mother
of Speech, be content with what has been uttered by the illustrious King
Pratapa.

18. That which I have done or caused to be done - in morning, noon, evening,
or night; through thought, speech, or deed; with feet, hands, or eyes; through
smelling, hearing, or touch; by myself, through another person, or at the word
of the guru; by virtue of fate or by force -

Every single fault of mine, overlook it! O sea of compassion, O Devi Kali!
Thus ends the Sarvaparadhastotra composed by him who excels in all fields of
expertise, including war, book-learning, and music, the ruler of great rulers,
the lord of Nepal, the great scholar, the lord of the circle of all kings, the
supreme king of kings, the most worshipful poet-king, Jaya Pratapa Malla.

Now that the Mac tax is nomore, a mac will be my next device

 I've been pondering upon this for the last year, since Apple's release of their self-designed processor and the rave reviews it got. That Apple is now, by far, the best value for money as well as the longest-lasting, most powerful and the most stylish. In terms of form AND function, there's no close competition, at least for the foreseeable future. So when my current laptop gives up -- could be a year, could be four -- my new personal machine will be a beefy but portable mac capable of doing great things at not that insane of a price.

Cold Lasagne hate myself 1999 is wonderful

 Finally got around to watching Acaster's latest show from one of them pirate sites and maaan the reviews got it on the point: it's hilarious, clever, honest and revealing. Totally worth the fifteen bucks you'll have to pay if you buy it from legit sources. Highly recommend, even to somebody who's not a fan of our man James Acaster.

Top 10 meat alternatives

1.  Mushroom
   
   
2. Chickpea
   
   
3. Moong beans
   
   
4. Tofu
   
   
5. Various beans
   
   
6. Tempeh etc.
   
   
7. Eggs
   
   
8. Other pea-protein based products
   
   
9. Lentils
   
   
10. Fruits
    

10 words

1. Ok
2. But
3. You
4. Gotta
5. Act
6. Like
7. A
8. Responsible
9. Adult-partner
10. Too

Here's some wild predictions that I'd have been surprised three months ago

People who have made certain decisions when they should not have, due to duress in time of the decisionmaking are coming around to reconsidering their actions and the consequences of those actions that they were living with until quite late. I will predict that after a physical break from those consequences due to unrelated reasons, and a physical distance arising from the previously-mentioned situations, they will re-evaluate their original decisions, and come to the realization that it was not for the better of any of the parties concerned. One wonders though where these things will go because ugh it's tiring man, the world is full of people incapable of making basic decisions about themselves, don't have any sense of self-preservation. Does one really want to make long-lasting decisions with those sort of losers, one wonders.

I've never been this worried about decisions and consequences. Not in a long while.

Jeezuss fuckin' christ, the world is a fucked up place

 It's terrible, awful, scary and I'm afraid, genuinely truly. I'm starting to think I made an awful mistake in thinking I'd be alright in giving up my privilege in this world and going along with the flow. Because it's an awful place and I'm maybe not properly trained and equipped to handle the evils of this world, and it's not even the people that are evil but their pathologies and their actions and the poor pathetic places they let themselves be in. The fact that some people will make it out sound with the skin of their teeth and pretend it was a wonderful learning experience and nothing bad could have come off of it, and hahahah I was just a fool worrying about everything and all the things, is so annoying and I cannot live with that anymore. We need to create a bulwark against this messed up situation, people need to be protected and given resources to keep themselves safe and healthy. It's wild. I'm fearful.

Kava, morning sandwich, last hau hau trip with the parents [Thu 30]

I write this almost three weeks after this happened because a lot of things happened in my time in between and it has been tough.

Anyway, I had a morning sandwich, the usual cheese-mayo one, had some kava after a really really long time. Went to Hau Hau Market for the last time with parents, because we'd already worked on the return tickets for them, due to short term change of plans.

Don't know and remember anything else. My writing schedule has been fucked for the last three weeks.

Morning sandwich, library and back, masala papad, cream cheese and honey sandwich [Wed 29]

Maaan, I'm writing this after a very long time. Had morning sandwich in the morning. Walked to the library, smoked a bit of g, read a bunch, tried writing but didn't get too far. Came back, had masala papad. Cream cheese and honey sandwich at night because the dinner wasn't sufficient enough.

kimchi-oats breakfast, library, planning and cancelling, frisbee play, walk around the block, smokes and early to bed [Tue 28]

So the day before I had a really long and restful sleep, because I smoked a bit and slept at 9. I know this because I write this so quick after. Maan, I really gotta get my journals in place, if nothing else. And I keep saying this all the time, but really if nothing else, I gotta keep the journals on time.

Anywho, kimchi + oats for breakfast, yum. Which meant I was so full I didn't eat lunch. Went to the library, wrote a little bit, just a little, and then spent an hour planning a trip for parents, which was cancelled at the last moment. Walked back home, chilled out, wrote a bunch of posts here, went out and played frisbee with parents, and walked around the block yet again. Had an early dinner, smoked a bunch, and went to bed early. Man, my days are getting boring, I gotta liven them up.

Broccoli sprouts, dal-bhat, lunch, library, walk to H-Mart and seafront, evening walk back, fruits and bean-pancakes for dinner [Mon 27]

 Mom made brown-black rice for lunch. I made broccoli sprouts. It was not as appreciated as I hoped it would, probably due to the fact that it'd been thawing out in the fridge for a day, had gotten soggy inside. Went to the Library as normal, wrote a bunch. Walked back home, got ready, went with parents to H-Mart where we bought a gallon-jar of kimchi for sixteen bucks. Weird confession: it was unsalted and unspicy, truth be told I like my homemade kimchi more than the one I bought. We went to the waterfront, since it had just stopped raining, the scenery was bomb. So pretty. Took a tonne of photos for the parents, walked back, thought I was gonna go to the gym but it didn't happen because sb wasn't around, and besides it wasn't a Tuesday. In the evening we had chickpea-moong pancakes for diner along with fruits.

Triangular sandwich, rainy day, dal-bhat lunch, library, popcorn [Sun 26]

Had triangular brunch. It's true what they say, sandwich cut intro triangles does taste better. Had dal-bhat-tarkari, went to the library. It rained very heavily on my way back, didn't have the umbrella but came back anyway, so cold. We made and ate popcorns in the house.

dal-bhat-sag, sandwich, weed, library [Sat 25]

Continuing the pattern, took a very chill weekend. Had dal bhat saag for lunch, went to the library. Got back, got high, smoked weed, make sandwhich and had it. Didn't do much entire day beside the library. Man, I need to get my shit together.

Dal-bhat-tarkari, expensive weeds and salvia, library, extensive sandwich, failure to smoke [Fri 24]

 Dal-bhat rajma and titey karela for lunch. Went to the library, wrote a bunch. Bought sixty bucks worth of salvia and weed. Tried smoking salvia, it all burned away, I didn't have the bowl or the right kind of fire. Got a bit high on weed. Got munchies later, made myself the cheese onion mayo sandwich but with added ketchup. I'm improving with sandwiches, hurray. Wrote a decent chunk.

Recovering sleep, Library, Space Noodle [Thu 23]

 Work was light so I used that opportunity to catch up on sleep during the day. Had white rice, karela ko trkari, ghiraula, and golbheda ko achar with dal for lunch.

Went to the Library after work, stayed until pretty late. From there I walked to the Space needle, caught up with parents on the way. Their appointment was for later but they got in anyway. I waited for an hour-and-half outside, not realizing parents had gone all-in on the luxury experience with champagne and goodtimes up there. It was cold and my feet hurt. Ordered items on Amazon for friend of my mom.

Went to bed pretty late, I keep mentioning this because I've been improving my sleep situation lately.

Library, Trader Joe's, walkabout in the neighborhood, new sandwich [Wed 22]

 Went to the Library after work, wrote for a few hours, stayed in until 6.30. Walked back, around the neighborhood to get the 10k steps. Went to TJ's to get a few basic supplies to complete my 10k. In the evening made a new kind of sandwich that I'd heard on Off Menu Podcast with Miriam Margoles, the cheese and onion sandwich. It's actually surprisingly good, a classic, it's become my staple by now, six days after the fact. Went to sleep, had trouble sleeping, called some of my international friends to check up on what's what, great conversations were had to the cost of sleep.

Library, gym, masala papad and nuts and soybean dinner [Tue 21]

 Went to the library after work and lunch. Chilled for a couple of hours, wrote a bunch. Read a bit. Fell asleep accidentally. Came back home, rested for a while, went to the gym. Worked out for 15 minutes, and then PK called me and we talked for 45 minutes. The entirety of my gym workout, and didn't feel like working after. Walked back home where we had masala papad and roasted nuts and roasted soybeans for dinner. It was filling, without a major carb source still, went to bed at a pretty decent time.

I go to library, check things out, walk around [Mon 20]

I went to the Seattle public Library in Capitol Hill, took a bunch of photos and selfies, and photos of the lesbian handbook. I went around Pike/Pine area listening to Josh Widdicombe's podcast, about his release of new books. Back home, had dinner, slept in the evening.

Failed sunrise trip, scuba diver viewing, breakfast, I make and sell salsa, packing up, to the hot springs, deer deer, whacked out, tiring drive to Port Angeles, hungry meal, angry people, latenight home [Sun 19]

Got up early at 6am, it felt like I hadn't slept at night, but I was refreshed and didn't remember anything over night so it's unclear what the hell happened. We went by the beach for the emerald lake, but it was far too cloudy, and the clouds moved away just as the sun was out high in the sky. Ap got hundreds of her photos taken with the doggo and the rest of the gang, with everybody's cameras. We waited for a large group of scuba divers doing a dive into the lake to see a drowned vehicles, waited for an hour for them to complete their pre-dive checkups and dive. So interesting.

Back home we packed up the tents, and Sk and I made breakfast. I cut up the veggies and battered the eggs, Sk cooked the eggs. I also made a very large amount of salsa that people put in their noodles, bread, and eggs. It was quite efficient in its use of leftover veggies from the trip. Ultimately we were pretty much done with most of our veggies.

Packed up the rest of the supplies, got hot chocolate with massive marshmellows. Yum. Cleaned everything up. We drove to the nearby natural spring after driving into the Olympic national park. We saw several deer just chilling and milling about, uncaring for humans. Waited for an hour for our turn in the Springs, and spent an hour-and-half in there.There were three levels of hot springs, we played in all, including the swimming pool. And then got lots of photos taken thanks to Ap. A bought us all the tickets, thanks to all that AW money.

We were all so tired and dried out and refreshed from the Spring. So the drive to Port Angeles was quite dangerous. We found out a place that was amenable to large groups and a doggo, and waited for 30 minutes to get in. While we walked around town taking photos, B and I went to a nearby grocery store to use their restroom. Fantastic restroom, didn't even need to buy anything in there.

Our turn finally came in, we spent 30 minutes ordering, and other 30 minutes waiting for our order. We were knackered, so hungry. We absolutely went at it. My burger was fantastic, the soup I sent around the table. Everybody finished most of their food, Am and Ap's food was left a little bit, but ah whatcha gonna do at a random place in a random town like that. People got angry at the meal not coming on time, but it worked out.

We drove back home very tired, I kept entertaining Sk by telling him random facts. Still it was difficult to stay awake so I had to take control of the playlist. Sk dropped me home and I fell asleep instantly at 11 in the evening.

Annoying await, pancake and sprouts breakfast, supplies at Walmart, long drive, tent setup, cold lake, evening cookout, new friend [Sat 18]

 Got up way too early in the morning for a Saturday because SK told me we'd be leaving very early in the morning. Mom made me moong pancake and sprouts sadheko, which I finished real quick, showered at got ready. And then waited. And waited. And waited. Any moment now. Aaaany moment now. So on and on and on. For two and half hours. Sk showed up, I told him I was mad, he apologized, said he meant Nepali time, that he didn't realize I lived on American time. Fair enough for me.

We stopped at Walmart nearby, where we spent maybe 45 minutes buying different supplies, and lunch for Sk. Played around with the doggo while Sk was in there. Then we drove up nonstop to the place of our Camping, Mt. Emerald near Olympic Mountains.

It was raining, but just a little bit. I was hungry since it was evening by the time we got there, so I ordered grilled cheese sandwich and fries. Great meal. It took us half and hour to setup the tents and large pitched thing, and a covering that Sk had brought in. B, Pk and A setup the tents.

We drove to the lake, Emerald lake, where I played with the doggo on the shores and the rest of the gang went into the water and on a log. They spent a solid half hour just chillin and posing for pics while I tried to stop the doggo from going mad at fear of her person drowning in the water.

Anywho, we got really really cold in there, came back and warmed ourselves after alighting fire. Am and Ap just came in and Am started preparing chicken and A started working on the other veggie stuff, chau chau sadeko. We also put veggie stuff on the fire. It came to be known that Ap, who's by far the youngest funnest and perhaps the most responsible person around, was mad for dogs. She spent all the time playing with the doggo. We'll be hanging out with her again soon, exciting times. Such exciting lives.

I made fluff and cracker snacks, so great. It was incredible. nd vegan burger with onion on bread. We sat by fire for a couple of hours, talking, and teasing Ap mostly because she was the funniest person. After getting lost on the way to the restroom, and on the way back as well, and doing a very half-hearted evening brush, we went to sleep in our tent. I thought I'd have trouble sleeping, and vaguely remember twisting and turning too much, but the time went by real quick and soon it was six in the morning on Sunday.

Brown rice lunch, resting for the following day [Fri 17]

 Had brown rice for lunch. Didn't do much the entire day, didn't go anywhere or anything, and the evening was low-key because we'd be going for a camping trip the following day and I didn't want to mess it up.

Brown rice lunch, gym, Domino's dinner [Thu 16]

Had brown rice with veggies for lunch. In the evening went to the gym, got an order of Domino's while still gymming, on my way back from the gym picked it up. One side was all veggies, including pineapple and spinach and mushroom and onion. The other side had bacon, pepperoni, chicken, among other things. Everybody was too full, I had only a slice, dad had two slices, mom haad one slice too. Again, a very solid domino's dinner, everybody had a good time. Slept at a pretty decent time, probably. Don't remember, since I'm writing this 12 days after.

Bhairava

 Excerpt from Alf Hiltebeitel's Criminal Gods and Demon Devotees (link).

Also known as Adalata (Court) Bhairava, the towering black
solitary image of Kala Bhairab before the palace gate at
Hanuman Dhoka was the chief witness before whom
government servants were annually sworn into office, a function
that corresponds perfectly to his now practically defunct role of
policeman-magistrate of Kasi. Litigants and accused criminals also
swore while touching Bhairava's foot, and he who bore false
witness vomited and died on the spot. As late as the nineteenth
century he was the occasional recipient of human sacrifices,
such as (Mitra-) Varuna had earlier demanded in order to
paradoxically maintain the awesome rta hidden firmly within the
heart of the Vedic socio-cosmic order. 138 Although much of
the symbolism surrounding Bhairava is no longer understood
even by his most ardent devotees and the cult itself is being
rapidly effaced, one has only to replace these symbols in their
original context to recognize the transgressive mode of sacrality
that inspires them. And although this symbolic constellation, an
integral part of the galaxy of criminal gods and demon
devotees, is typically and in many of its elements exclusively
Indian, it is the vehicle of a dialectic of transgression that
flourishes under different modalities in archaic and primitive
religions and is not wholly absent in the other world religions.
Increasingly claimed to be both historically and principally the
original sacred, this ideology assumes in India the form of the
terrifying Bhairava to pose awkward questions that we
modernists, as ethical and rational humanists, would have no
doubt preferred to leave unanswered, had not the secular
counter-sciences of anthropology, psychoanalysis, and linguistics
converged in the ever-widening and deepening archaeology of
contemporary scientia to insistently proclaim with Michel
Foucault the inevitable and imminent dissolution of an already
shrunken Man.

Random picked pages from Pink: The History of a Punk, Pretty, Powerful Color

 Even the Japanese government has promoted 'wink on pink', whereby 'youth-oriented, feminized cuteness' becomes a type of cultural capital, adding to 'Japan's Gross National Cool". Some critics object that it is infantalizing both for Japan and for young Japanese Women.

...

Once pink has been interpreted as n 'androgynous' and 'political' color that speaks to young men and women of all races, these meanings cannot be erased. The pink triangle of gay protest, the pink camouflage of hip-hop, and the pink pussyhats of Women's March have all permanently complicated the color's symbolism.

...

Pink has long been a fashion color, and for the most part, color experts have interpreted pink within the context of economy and color. 

...

However, the color's association with 1950's fashionably domestic femininity and 1990's girl (consumer) power takes the sting out of feminism and breast cancer, reproducing an essentialist understanding of femininity. Pink's 'sugar and spice, and everything nice' type of femininity has made it an effective emasculating tool in prisons. Could it be that the pinkification of girl culture, feminism, and prisons is neither coincidental nor random, but a productive way of reassuring white middle-class boys and men of their superiority?

Outlining a zombie-based play

Fuck what was the idea I thought was so mindblowing maaan I'm a genius, it was about murderous animals something, them killing each other or some stuff, a dark comedy it was and then in the end we find out that our protagonist, the sane sign of sanity in the otherwise wild world, was himself a psychopath. Light gets dim, and then dark, sad music plays in the background, and a slow, pathetic painful wait till the end. To drive the point that, awhh man isn't this so sad.

So maybe a cute pig, that's our protagonist. Pigs are easy to demonize but also they're adorable. You can call somebody a 'dirty pig' or make 'pig with lipstick on' jokes, but also call somebody 'porkie' in a loving manner.

What happens? What is it that scares us all? Besides snakes I mean. Hmm maybe some kind of...unknown...force, or energy. Because death, now that's lazy, it's easy and not totally in the realm of unknown. But forces that are beyond the grasp of comprehension, actions that are totally unexplained, that'll create fear in the readers' minds. So it has to be unexplained zombies then?

What's the reveal? That our protagonist becomes a zombie, the last person to become one, and everything's ended? Or how about the I am Legend twist where actually you were the zombie all along, and the zombies were reasonable people? How about...and be patient with me here, what if everybody was a zombie all along, and the revelation is that you were looking at it all wrong?

What awful acts can we present to make our protagonists feel injusticed? Hmm acts of random violence against them, unexplained, attributed to enemies and external provocateurs where in reality they're the sane people, the only ones around.

What's the cold, twisted reveal?

That the protagonists that we thought were actually beating and 'researching' unknown specimen were actually knowingly killing and eating babies of the non-zombies, alive. And they were only putting on a thin facade of 'normalcy', to convince the sane part of their brains that they were not total monsters.

How does the turn happen?

Slowly, towards the end, when strange things that would be incompatible of our understanding with the piggies' niceness start occurring. Like with the 'kicking the kitten' moment of sorts.

What triggers the turn?

Sort of united action on the protagonists' part that fails, and they regroup to analyze their strategy. And then you start paying attention to what you thought was this amazing well-planned assault, and it doesn't make sense. And the more they discuss it the less it makes sense. Until the reader realizes they're all brainless...zombies, well.

What's the payoff?

In the epilogue, news of success, how all the zombies have either been destroyed or gotten under control. And we find out that maybe they were never zombies, just evil entities doing evil things pretending they don't have agency on their actions. What if the epilogue's reveal is that real zombies went away a decently long time ago, and there were no zombies? Only monsters?
Damn, that's genius.

I need to start doing standup for realsies

On one hand it's just in my head. I think I'm funny, specially when I'm high, it feels I've come up with like amazing jokes and setups. Never evaluated them when I'm sober because it's not like I have an abundance of self confidence or anything. On the other hand, people have tended to say I can be funny on occasion but then every time somebody's said that I've discover soon enough they want something out of me. And it's either a favor requiring a big time commitment or large amounts of monies. Not ideal but one must move on.

I'd start with 15 minute sets, just joking around setting up stories and judging how the audience reacts. Trying to figure out my relationship with the audience, and the sort of jokes they'd be interested in. And in the end, an attempt to sort of muddle through it without a clear definition of art or comedy. And a whole lot of mayo, it always felt like.

Physical comedy is easy too you just move your back your tummy and your butt, and get the investor that be quite the regular working girl's thang. But will people laugh? At me or with me? Ugh, questions questions.

Mistaken identity on all sides

 Cat ran away but didn't make it too far. The dogs of the neighborhood had trained in the ancient martial art of cat-hunting, they surrounded the cat leaving it no place to escape. The cat thought its goose was cooked and prayed to the canine gods, praying for her safe departure to cat heaven and rebirth as a more privileged cat. Please, she whimpered, make it painless. They were going to pounce on her and tear her into pieces, fight over her leg and heart and head, until everybody got a little bit of her. It was a gruesome imagery, but that was too be her reality soon, no joking.

No actually, she heard somebody say... We're here to question you, you aren't a suspect in the murder of Mr...the hairy dog looked at a piece of paper, Geoff MeowMoew and then his dog, just for the sake of money and interest. Not yet, anyway. Not that, you disrespected the way of the village and the ancestors by refusing to accept the bowls used to confine the local drink.

The cat breathed a sigh of relief. "Ah, " she said, yes I knew Geoff from way back when we worked together in LA. But I moved many years ago and he was in town for some work and he asked we meet. Knowing the sort of man that he is, I suggested strongly we meet at a brunch place on Sunday, making sure I had unavoidable plans after it. We caught up on what we had been up to in the years since we last met, and I came to the conclusion that despite his...advanced years, one could say, he had really changed a little bit as a human being. He hadn't grown in the understanding of the pain of others, the intellectual curiosity to know what's beyond. But these aren't crimes. His crimes were to put the system of law and order into Jeopardy! by undermining local institutions, both the courts and police-people of color. So yeah, I knew he was up to no good but didn't have anything personally against him. He was talking about moving back to the city from LA, and I'm afraid if they're going to Dallas, they might just stay there. But he didn't seem right in the head no, though there was nothing I could do about it. Anything I said he'd hold his overwhelming evidence against me, made a charging and battering ramp against me and my boyfriend, and it's really hard to undermine that sort of...I think it's safe to call it soft-power or ability to coerce. I didn't want to get in this whole rigamarole, there's not hard-working performer, she's doing quite well.

Try talking to new people, fuck trauma

Those were the words written to me the other day. And while I often pretend to understand less than I really do, it's also true that quite often the level of understanding of social situations I have is way below what would be expected from me, from somebody in my age group and you know generally maturity level.

So with that in mind, I was a little confused. First I was flattered obviously that they figured I'd be doing fantastically well. And then it dawned on me that maybe I was giving off the impression, perhaps, that I wasn't talking to new people or trying to, and was held down by some trauma that disabled me from socializing with people in an open and honest way. Which is...not reflective...of...how things have been with me, but then you are quite often the last person to figure things out about yourself. Maybe that's all true.

Why does this matter? Because there are some 'signals' you're giving subconsciously without meaning to, and you want to be maybe at least aware of what they mean and what you're communicating, and if there's any potential there controlling the message you're sending. Because if the message I'm sending out is that I'm a traumatized little child who's not talking to new people, that sort of undermines the OTHER sort of message I'm sending, or attempting to, which is that I'm ACTUALLY none of those things, that I'm a well-functioning mature adult who knows what he wants generally speaking and is ready to work towards it and pay the price of it, etcetera. My words and my actions (but actually just words that are unspoken) could be in contradiction, and my actions could be getting a higher priority in people's perception of me.

So I really gotta work towards figuring the situation out. What am I telling people, and how do I say something else. And ideally, how do I not actually say anything of value ever, while making sure people hear from me exactly what they want to hear. How do I get to be a reflection of people's egos and quirkiness so when they see me they don't see a villain, but an extension of themselves?

These are the things I ponder upon as I try sleeping for a little longer than few short hours.

Workstuff

 I don't like talking about workstuff around here for a multitude of reasons, the most important being that in the future this will surely be completely public and everybody will be able to find themselves in these paragraphs. And also I don't like to bring work home, yadda yadda yadda. But things have been going extraordinarily slow at work and it's gotten a bit annoying, a lottt annoying, since I feel like I'm not doing much, and being spread thin between priorities, there's no clearly set priorities, deadlines or deliverables so I don't know for sure what I'm to do and who I'm to look out to. It's a whole lotta mess, I'm telling you, and I'm not in a position to help anybody out because I can't focus. I took the day off last Thursday to catch up on sleep and just chill but I'm thinking I'll need a lot more of that if I'm to truly recharge and be excited about the work again. I really do want to grow, help my teammates out and do real well, but a ship without a captain at the sea without a lighthouse's guidance will hit the rocks. It ain't a place for an uncaptained sea. And that's where it feels like I'm at.

It's possible I might be able to take this opportunity to uhh make horizontal changes in my work situation, do more planning and less technical stuff because the technical stuff feels a bit boring sometimes. Sometimes I feel like maybe I wasn't meant to be doing technical stuff for a job, I was meant to be talking to people and strategizing and planning and organizing while being a hundred percent aware of the actual technical work. And I could go down into the ditches and fight with the soldiers if it came to that, but that wouldn't be my primary function. That's now how it has panned out to this point, so I borrowed a book from the Library that's about being a product manager or owner, never can tell the difference. If I can somehow make that jump I'll be a happy cucumber, specially if I do it without taking a pay dump.

Sometimes the gods just like SMILE at me, go all GAGA and it feels really good but it's not to be counted upon

 Yeah if I'd made the title shorter, I'd use this platform as an opportunity to explain it, but this is exactly what the title says, sometimes i feel like a fucking king because all the things just align perfectly. And the thing about being a successful person is doing as many things as possible, setting up all the dominos you can so when they all align, you just need to put in a slight nudge, and bam, you've got the most beautiful domino-fall going on.

Regardless.

I was talking to this person last night, don't need to know who, and I came up with like conservatively fourty solid puns for their name. And maybe they're not the sort of person to appreciate puns or like disarming flirtations, but I was in no mood to be low-key so really they could publish a whole goddamn book just from all the puns I sent, I don't think there's literally any more puns left to be made out of their name. And I do hope it turns into something interesting and longer-lasting than whatever the penpalship we have right now is, but if not, I had my fun. So so much hahah, I ain't complaining.

And in a completely unrelated note -- that's the fuckedup but in a good way part -- there were two other people who will remain uninitialed because ugh...anyway, somehow we were having amaaazing conversations. And in one of those I was just like talking about poker and other crap don't remember what and they said, You're a smooth talker, you can get anyone TBH which would ABSOLUTELY break by heart if it was said by someone I was trying to smooth-talk my way into, but it was not, so it felt super good and I was like duhh I know gotta spread the news around so they know also, to which they were like, bet you haven't even tried, which sounds to me like an...insult, question mark, dunno if that's a good...thing...or...like....dunno, don't know what to make of certain things but the conversation was a fast one and within two lines we were rushing into other funners topics. And then I was talking to somebody about their wild (ongoing) journey through Europe. And asking somebody else if they'd date miley (apparently not wtf!?). Weird night, Weeeeird night. Was it the weed that made it so strange, and should I do it again?

Questions to consider.

I should get back to proper scheduled days

10k steps a day was going well, so were a bunch of other things I'd been working from my daily checklists from last year despite not maintaining the list anymore. And then the work writing too. Well, none of that works now, and I'm bereft of any structure in my daily life, it's out in the ocean, lost in the storm, sad scary and cold. No lighthouses here, and the only sounds around here are the cries of those shrill creatures, are they like sealions or what who will peck your eyes out, or make you want to, if you so much as look at them. The point is, maaan what's become of me? I deserve better, the world deserves better, and if it's this blog that's stressing me out, I gotta abandon it. If it's the lack of proper discipline, I gotta get on that. Nobody's putting a gun on my head to break my schedule. As a grown-ass adult human being I'm in full agency of my interests and passions and the things I want to do, this should me hard.

And now I'm pissed cos' just as I write this the batteries in my earbuds are dead so it's just me and the words, sitting around uncomfortably, nothing to say doddah hehehe how're you, how was the weekend teheheh. Etcetera.

Chromebook again

 Eagle-eyed readers of this blog will remember my frustrations with the chromebook, how back in Boston I spent several days setting up my cute little laptop which I then broke unceremoniously while trying to install a trackpad driver in Philly. The laptop wasn't broken but the linux installation was, and the Chrome installation had very little space so I was using the computer on 'borrowed time' so to speak. So finally earlier today I formatted the computer (after resetting and setting it up for like six times and that's no exaggeration) and then it was still not working except this one time it worked and I was super happy. Then I set up linux inside the Chromebook which didn't take very long. Finally I got about to setting firefox inside the linux partition held inside the chrome system, to be able to avoid the chrome browser, and that too is working now. So now I'm where I wanted to be at a bazillion years ago, and I can use my favourite browser with my favourite portable computer with no bother. Hurray.

This also means that on this computer I can be using the android version and the desktop version of firefox at the same time, which feels a little cute to me.

Now if only there were a way to remove chrome browser permanently from the computer, I'd be a happy ducky.

Still, it's a big step towards my ultimate goal.

20 things

1. Three lesbians at a mexican bar in Seattle, drinking hard kombucha
   
   
2. A recent political convert in Northern England who feels he's been on the wrong size of the political spectrum his entire life, and is a very zealous of the other side now.
   
   
3. Rotten hill of avocado that wasn't transported due to the giant storm nobody predicted would get so big
   
   
4. Unexpected rainfall in the desert, just nonstop blast of water from the skies
   
   
5. Seventeen little pigs, don't ask me where they came from, but they were supposed to be transported to a farm, and invaded the forest instead. They scare even the mightiest of predators, it is said. Some consider them to be GM'd super-smart porkies.
   
   
6. That book by one of your favorite comedians that got released recently.
   
   
7. Cooking fishes whole, fishing rod into the cold water, catch a big one, fishing rod into the hot spring pool, to boil it, and eat it. There's a word for it, I don't remember and don't care to google.
   
   
8. Some new kind of gadget they're wearing in China that people think is tracking people's thoughts but the truth is a lot more mundane.
   
   
9. A military conspiracy against the Chinese government that could succeed if only it got indirect support of the regional governors but they can't seem to make up their minds.
   
   
10. "Liquid gold" aka animal urine. Or human. Stupid, I know but that's what they call it.
    
    
11. Hunger
    
    
12. The feeling you get when you're about to sneeze after an itchy nose, but you don't and you feel like you're missing something the rest of the day.
    
    
13. Giggling during a serious occasion, such as a funeral etc.
    
    
14. The word 'coppula'
    
    
15. Housing prices
    
    
16. Complaining about expensive housing while actively hindering new construction
    
    
17. emojis that could be interpreted as being extremely filthy, or not at all.
    
    
18. Disappointment.
    
    
19. Uranus (heh)
    
    
20. Germs

Dumpty dumpty dum, and the chicks come to roost home

It's annoying confusing frustrating that in the end there's no real good guys in the conversation about a former empire pretending they're still a first-rate power while they humiliate themselves in front of the whole goddamn world. The real crux of the matter though is the fact that while yes, those who voted to get out were you know, inspired by uhh racist xenophonic nativist and classist tendencies, those who opposed it weren't perfectly clean either. In a way they're not much better, by the looks of how they complain that this would open the floodgates to third-worlders, something that's not been written down in you know forever. Who says that, it's crazy, don't prefer people from one country over other just because of where they are from, but most fools don't get that, innit.

In any case, you gotta pay the price at some price, sooner or later maybe it'll be your children or their children or their children's children that'll suffer but it's quite difficult to getting away from these situations scot-free, the law of consequences holds it tight. You either get a rich thriving economy from all the human resources in your land, or you don't. You can't play roulette with people's livelihood, unless you're Singapore or the fucking Gulf, in which case everybody will look the other way.

What's in there on a deeper elaver anwyay

the screen makes you look fatter, it adds five pounds they say, or is it fifteen also it makes you look like a deadbody so you have to put a tonne of color on your face not to look like a vampire and of course the lights and smokes and what not they're not good for your looks so you gotta technically work around that as well so you're working for a couple of hours -- and you have to remember to keep time around for your personal chores and cleaning because it gets set to the side often but you have to step down your foot for your personal space and then it's still not over it's not perfect even if you optimize the temperature the chemicals the skin yadda yadda yadda, we humans are not perfect people and we're always changing so more likely than not you're a different person from what you started with and you need to be able to predict the direction you'll take and work with that as well, it's not like you're going to a random place, lol of course the city will come from you as well.

and then all for what will you be performing well in pressure will the viewers deal you with kindness and what about the hundreds of thousands of individuals who might see you because tv reviewers and vewers have been known to be unkind and caustic sometimes they are not afraid to cast away deadweight, not just for the lack of success but also if they sense insecurity and uncertainty. So of course this is a specific journey we're figuring out because it had to be choreographed and planned. And that's a lot harder because you don't know what'll work and what won't. Only thing you can go to is tables where they don't get invited from the party, you know? What's your business here, and how did you even get here, those are the questions you'll be bombarded with requests regularly all the time. I hoped I didn't scare you from the whole project but it's not going to be easy sir.

Uncertainty, confusion

Fiction.

People aren't going to run after you if you don't believe in communities and friendships. You need to go out of your way to hit people up, maintain relationships and partnerships man, I tell the guest. I...I..don't know, I'm an introvert, this is all so confusing. It's the first time I'm leaving home you know, my friends are all back home, all the people i know and it feels like I can connect better with random acquaintances from home than the closest friends I have made here. What is this, I've been living in this town for six years now, six goddamn years and what do I have to show, what really can I take out and say, hey so this is what I have for my time in this area? I can't think of one.single.thing. It's so weird. It scares me. And until now it didn't matter because I was throwing myself into work and then all that volunteering but now there's very little of that? and online things don't feel as...rewarding, and all the people I knew here are back at their parents' place, and I thought this was our new home you know, that we had, collectively as a group agreed that we were not children of our villages or towns, but the adoptees of this city. But no, it was a lie it feels to me, they were all just chilling here, never intended to make this their permanent home and at the slightest sign of danger, they're making a run for it. How fucking strange and disappointing is that. And now I can't go back...it's it's strange.

Wait, why can't you go back, the friend asks.

Because...because...everybody thinks i'm done for, it would be humiliating to admit that I was wrong, that I was actually not different or better than everybody that i didn't learn or grow in all these years, we're all in the same place as we were back then. No progress, it's circles all the way down. Nothing exciting about that. That's how I've defined myself, and if the foundational bricks of my identity are vanishing away then who the heck am I really, what do I care about and where do I want to be at? Am I just this fakey who thinks such and such things matter but no not really and at the slightest hint of danger and risk I'll abandon my ideals and compromise for whatever shit there is? Why take the easy life, why not struggle, why do I not grow? Growing is fun, and that's the meaning of life. And this is...this is crap. Bullshit. I'm a nobody, a nothing, uncared and unloved it feels like, who do I go to for direction, what the fuck is happening, just tell me, who's there that can help me.

Hey hey hey, man just like, chill out okay, you're alright, I"m alright, we're all fine, whatever. Just keep your head cool and think about what it is you really care about in life. Where do you want to be. Is the direction that everybody else is taking where you want to be? Because you know your path can be unique and nobody can take it away from you.

The aftermath

 This is fic.

You run until your legs give up, but the big bearlike monsters still chase you. You're going to die, ready to meet your...uhh what again, surely not the creator because of the implication of your beliefs and surely there's nothing beyond...ultimate darkness, the powerdown, ready to abandon this wonderful journey you were in. You fall down face-down on the grass still breathing heavily, waiting silently for your death. There's going to be pain you remind yourself, so much pain, it'll be terrible. Intolerable, you'll probably pass out of it. Maybe if you're lucky you'll die of heartattack or loss of blood before. It was a sweet life you lived, you tried do not harm anybody, lived a decent life, there's nothing you can do now, alas. This is going to be good. Death will relieve you of all this pain. No more suffering. You will be one with the universe and it will all be --

Bro, bro, you alright man? What's up dude, we saw you almost fall down on the fall, yoo can you hear us. Hey man, the guy over here's opening his eyes, seems to be alright. Yeah, I don't see no blood or anything. No weapons, nah. Dunno kinda' nerdy kinda guy no idea what he was doing there. Yeah that's what I said man I don't know, he hasn't spoken yet, he just got back.

Bro, bro, the man says, staring straight at your face. He's in his late fourties. Where are you? This is not heaven or hell is it? Where are those creatures. What's up with your heart.

Ouuuuch, you say. I can...you try moving your legs. Arms. Fingers. Feel your crotch. Everything's in proper order. You peek at your hands. All the fingers are where they should be. You haven't been physically harmed. Your head throbs with pain but it's manageable.

Whatttt..whaat happened to the bear, animal, thing, you blurt out. I was running away from it, because they started attacking and I couldn't run and I tripped, where am I how did you guys...what happened to the bears, why did they not eat me, I thought I was gone for sure where are we, who are you, where's eeverybody else?

Yoo this dude's back man, he's speaking like a regular nosey person hahah. Hey man, welcome back. Yeaaah you might want to wait for a while before you get caught up on everything, your tired body is not gonna be able to handle everything. It'll take some time to recover, don't you worry bro, you're safe and everything's chill, you'll figure things out man. Make yourself at home. We'll talk to you in a bit, we'll need your help.

Phone amazon

"A can of hot dog"

"Sir can you say that again? Did you say a can of tomato?"

"No, I said a can of hot dog. Hawwt. dawwwg.. Like a sandwich thing you get in new york food carts you eat on bun with relish"

"Ahh eh hutt dugg, gottitt, sorry about that, didn't know they came in cans"

"I found out about it online and i'm trying to serve it to my guests for the party"

"Sounds interesting, can you give me the product number please and I'll be able to help you right away"

"Can you not use the search functionality"

"Uhh sir I can but in the past we've had issues doing that, we ended up sending products similar to but not exactly what the customers wanted and had to give refunds. So now unless we've verbally confirmed either the description and details of the item, or verified the product number of the item requested, we cannot have the transaction go through. Those are the rules sir"

"Okay, I don't know the product number, can you tell me how many search results come up, what the price range is, and read me like the top 10 results or whatever so I can get a sense of what the exact product I need is?"

"There are... let me see. 2 thousand three hundred 12 results, wow more than I'd have expected. The prices start at 2 dollars a can and go up to...hmm...these products are probably not related to the search term but...the prices can be as high as four hundred fifty dollars a can. Would you mind providing me with greater details on the product so I might be able to help you? Do you know the general price range of the product?"

"It should be...let me check...sixteen ninety-nine, yeah sixteen ninety-nine it is, and manufactured in Queens New York. It's got a yellow package with brown hotdog going around like a snake"

"Alright, let me apply the filters and I'll be right back with you, just a moment sir"

Coming home

 I've not done freewriting in a long while because of the time pressure but maybe it's time for that too. Because I've only to do three posts, and then the eight or was it nine journal posts later in the evening, and I'm in a good place. Let's just do it yooooo.

Summer says she doesn't want to come home, she's having too much fun with her friends but I can hear the nostalgia in her voice during our weekly calls. Later, she says, soon, she will say, because I'm having fun, but her voice breaks, there's uncertainty. I'm not the only friend here, the whole gang is back now, with all the bullshit happening in the world and what not we've made our own little community. The townsfolk aren't too happy with us cityfolk but this is how cities thrive, we tell ourselves. Investing in theater, coffee stores, new innovative fun things, parks. A place for us to grow old in peace and comfort, for our kids to grow up in loving caring surroundings. I tell that to Summer, she nods, pauses, looks away from the camera. She changes the topic. I ask her if she's stuck, if there's something holding her back there. Yeahhh...she says...but no..it's just...she begins, for the hundredth time...I just like the city okay I have my friends here, and yeah they're all moving back to their own folks' places or going to the 'burbs but that's even better for me because it forces me to have younger friends. You know, some of my friends are in their early twenties it's such a different life man I'm loving it, it's great yeah I'm having a fantastic time in the city I don't know when I'm coming home.

I'm doubtful.

I'm suspicious about the boyfriend. I never liked him much anyway. He's got something sketchy about him, he seems too night, too eager to please, he always says the right things, even when you'd expect him to have an uhh opinion. You're the perfect boyfriend man, I teased him once, and then like an asshole he went all humble on me, said naahh it's just that I try and I've got my flaws nobody's perfect it's just some people are more compatible with certain other people yadda yadda yadda. Yeah as if I didn't know that fuckface, I thought at the time, I was just testing you. Who even talks like that, if somebody told me that I'd take the compliment in a big fucking swallow and bask in it for weeks. But not this guy. Something is up with this guy, I just know, and I'm uncomfortable with how their relationship is going.

But I can't tell her that because she gets really angry when I bring the whole situation up. I shut my trap and change the topic.

You gotta take care of your sleep cycle the interest is too high otherwise

 I write these words as my body is ready to collapse from sleepiness at the library. Despite having slept to my body's content yesterday, I was unable to sleep on time yesterday due to various unrelated reasons. Got up on time this morning, and haven't had time to nap so I keep dozing off.

Which reminded me, maybe my lack of attention, focus, and other annoying habits are caused by sleep related issues and if it's actually worth seeing sleep specialists about it. I've got an appointment, I had anyway, but I never bothered to follow up on it because those things tend to be eye-wateringly expensive, don't want to invest too much into stuff that's uncertain I thought. But now it's looking like, I dunno, maybe that's a possibility worth exploring. It sucks, really, I'm running behind on writing, which makes me feel guilty to go to bed on time, which means I'm groggy and confused the next day, which means I can't write, which means I can't go to sleep on time. So goes the vicious cycle. Ugh.

Notes on poop from a comedy show

 "Every time I have a shit, I think to myself, there must be a better way. There's gotta be a better way to get it out of me. Like take a pill or something and get it all out in one long move." - Rob Beckett, Comedian.

If there's any adults here, who get turned on by shitting, let us know because we don't know about ritual shitting or anything. How do you force it out of you? Do you use the wall as a support? I'm listening to the parenting hell podcast, and they're talking about how excited young children get about their bowel movements and their uhh products.

Apparently people are having sex to the podcast accidentally and complaining about it. The podcasters explain that they are helping there since it'd probably help the male partner lengthen the time of completion. Unless they were turned out by the dulcet tones of two clowns. The leading theory is that the husband doesn't want to associate the podcast with sex, he doesn't want to have an erection on his trainride to work in the morning, etcetera.

A history of oats-kimchi breakfast, an American perspective

 4000BC: Oat is discovered in the middle east.

700AD: Oat grains are considered a decent replacement for other grains in times of famine, and 'that gross gloopy thing' is no longer of concern.

1602AD: Oat is imported to America

1850: Oat becomes a staple food of most territories

1880: Kimchi is imported by Korean/Chinese immigrants

1920: Oat becomes the standard 'healthy' breakfast.

1960: Kimchi is sold in specialty stores, encouraged by the influx of Korean immigrants.

1967: Oat-kimchi combo is discovered in several places but promptly forgotten because nobody wants to admit they came up with the interesting combo

1980: Kimchi comes up as a health-food, the trend doesn't last too long.

2000: A random college student in the NorthEast discovers that mixing the oats and Kimchi is pretty decent savory breakfast and tells his friends about it.

2015: Kimchi becomes wholly common and is sold in literally every grocery store there is.

2016: Breakfast places start selling Oat kimchi as a standard breakfast offering for those seeking savory breakfast.

2017: An extremely lazy person does kimchi-oat-egg-soysauce-seaweed-sesame-green onions combo and discovers that it's the bomb and can work for any meal of the day.

2045: Kimchi-oats becomes the standard fare for all American lunches.

Turns out Amazon rice is pretty great

 I got a big sack of 20kg white basmati rice from Amazon several weeks ago, dear god it's been a few months almost, what have i done in seattle but no this is not the time to have crisis, it's been barely three months and I have been exploring the new city it's fine, anyway got the rice from amazon and had absolutely zero expectations from it because who knows what you're buying online, right. And besides I"m not a good judge of rice at all.

Turns out it's a pretty gd fantastic batch of fragrant basmati rice that my parents love too, apparently one of the best they've had. We generally don't eat white rice but because it's so soft fluffy and fragrant we've been eating it everyday now. It really fills one up, and one doesn't have to actively ponder the act of eating, it just slides into the gullet. And makes one sleepy. It's comfort food of course, something I've not traditionally appreciated but now I see the value!

10 activities I want to engage in once I have more space-time

1. Make kombucha
   
   
2. Make kimchi
   
   
3. Make kefir
   
   
4. Bake bread weekly
   
   
5. Grow sprouts and herbs regularly
   
   
6. Grow mushroom
   
   
7. Make fountain for my apartment
   
   
8. Go on eventbrite/meetup hikes/events
   
   
9. Join all the mushrooming groups there are in the area
   
   
10. Attend movie events, weird concerts, random parties

10 seattle restaurants I'd probably recommend

1. Bangrak Market
   
   
2. Time Bistro
   
   
3. Danbo Ramen
   
   
4. Manao Thai
   
   
5. Wedgwood II Thai Restaurant
   
   
6. Kanak Indian Restaurant
   
   
7. Kadai Makan
   
   
8. Dino's Tomato Pies
   
   
9. Bombay Burger
   
   
10. Tacos Chukis

10 Seattle bars I can think of, probably gonna go or have gone there

1. Cha Cha's
   
   
2. Comet
   
   
3. Elysian CapHill Brewery
   
   
4. Outer Plant Brewery
   
   
5.  Rachel's Ginger Beer
   
   
6. Sam's Bar
   
   
7. Nacho Borracho
   
   
8. Bait Shop
   
   
9. Speckled & Drake
   
   
10. Hula Hula

10 places you gotta visit in Seattle, really

1. Space Needle
   
   
2. Pike Place market
   
   
3. yo mama's butt
   
   
4. Japanese Garden and arboretum
   
   
5. Do the harbor tours, the one from SLU to downtown
   
   
6. Ballard & Freemont downtown
   
   
7. CapHill, Pike-Pine area
   
   
8. Olympic sculpture garden
   
   
9. Starbucks stuff, obviously
   
   
10. Museum of Pop

Maaaan writing so much all at the same time is stupid

I need to get back to writing four-five posts a day, on a proper schedule, for the sake of discipline yes but also it's boring to write this way. i don't want to think, I'm always on time pressure and no matter what format I come think about experimenting with, it doesn't last because there's only so many versions I can come for one joke. This is stupid. It's painful. It's not just inefficient, it's boring for myself and the reader and isn't helping with improving my writing abilities.

Such a large intimidating mass of content to produce, without a space to think and explore life, on a time schedule that I don't own in a physical space where there's little space for me is hard hard hard, and it's all coming to roost now. Forcing myself to write for one hour a day is annoying now, this wasn't supposed to be like this.

Which is all the more reason get my shit together as quickly as I can. I'm 'six days' of posts away from getting caught up, plus there's the regular laziness that hinders me from being on top of my game on a weekly basis.

My fiction writing has suffered the most because I can always concoct some mumbo jumbo personal drama bullshit and vomit out a thousand words or two, but when I need to be imaginative the work starts suffering. And fiction writing is where I want to be at because nobody wants to know about what I had for lunch and dinner everyday.

Some people who watch tv too much should get a life

A new term I learned recently is 'para-social relationship'. In the sense that people who watch too much television, mostly the same show, tend to form 'para-social relationship' with the show and its characters, and come to this strange place where they consider the characters to be real. They tend strongly with one character or other, and react strongly against other characters, and the actors that play them. This means deeply, pedantically analyzing the actions through the course of the series in minute detail and passing judgment based on that. Often the amount of agency and 'identification' given to those characters is far beyond what the original creators ever thought or considered. "Why did Michael to so-and-so, it makes no sense in that context, he should have known it would be unwise," they will ask, forgetting if the characters hadn't made interesting out-of-the-way decisions it would be the story of a boring regular paper company no one cares to watch. It's a show people, characters act bizarrely and makes strange decisions and all imperfect, that's the point of the show. This is where the comedy arises from. No weirdos, no show.

I bring this up as somebody who's listened to and watched every episode of The office at least a few dozen times, and participate in online forums (passively, but still) and have consumed all form of media there is to on it. Including hahah three different podcasts on it, all going strong still almost ten years after the show ended.

It's important to remember what's fantasy and what's real. In the lack of a reality that people find underwhelming or disappointing, people seek fantasy they'd rather be a part of, and project themselves into it.

Discovered Norm Macdonald far too late

 I'm finally on the Norm Macdonald train, far too late, two weeks after his death due to Leukemia. His jokes are smart, down-to-earth, and project confidence. And supremely self-aware without being too snooty. There's a lot of content online: interviews, jokes, excerpts from his books, and standup performances. High quality stuff, most off-the-cuff. Gonna be watching all the content there is online. So many side journeys as well, from Letterman interview to the situation of NBC leadership to the various cancers and that thing with what a large proportion of US performers and comedians happen to be Canadian.

This is a weird co-incidence

 I wrote about Taskmaster yesterday and it turns out it was also the day the new series were released and along with the show the taskmaster podcast which I listened to today. I had no idea it was the release date. Fun co-incidence.

There's only so much dilly-dallying i can do on this blog, eventually something will have to be written and I'll be running real short on substance, that much is certain. Alas. A bit scary too. Anyway. More bullshit ahead because so much to do so I can be in a position to get my shit together.

Excitement for Taskmaster Series 12

 Victoria Corin-Mitchell the famous poker-player and comedian, and Alan Davies the famous goofball are among the five contestants. Alan's said in interviews that the producers made him look like an idiot, so that gives a good sense of what can be expected from the series. I'm really excited for the new series, being suspicious and not very excited of the five new contestants and in a matter of a few short months getting to absolutely love and adore them like nobody else, looking out for the other shows and performances they've done, buy their books follow their podcasts and hope for their visit to your town so you can attend their comedy shoes.

Exciting times are ahead.

Ten things I'm looking forward to getting out of my smartwatch

1. Track my steps and see how accurate my phone is.
   
   
2. Track my sleep cycle and work on improving it using the data.
   
   
3. Set alarms and reminders without opening my phone. Ditto for health stats.
   
   
4. Look at the time, I guess.
   
   
5. Control music using it, so I don't have to reach to the depths of my bag.
   
   
6. Track my stress cycle so I can validate the stress measure works, and work towards fixing the issues
   
   
7. Verify my solutions to stress work, and if not, work towards more effective solutions.
   
   
8.  Use the compass and GPS to guide me where I'm lost and my cellphone is dead.
   
   
9. Look cool.
   
   
10. Learn smartwatch hacking, and the API's these watches use.

For sale, some shoes

For sale. Baby shoes. Barely used. Baby disliked. Annoying baby. Likely gay. Loves fab five. Schitt's Creek fan. Dances to Britney. And lady gaga. Obsessed with Belgian soccer team. The shoes are like meh, whatever, they're baby shoes and we're giving you a massive discount alright we're already marking it off 50% even though the baby barely wore it jeezus christ how can you ask for more. If you don't want it I'm sure there's other cheaper shittier shoes in your budget range that somebody else will sell you. We know we're gonna get the asking price, it's a tight market these days. Yeahh duhh you ever seen the sneaker market bro, it's easy to tell if a shoe's been rarely used or not, alright, I don't think we're gonna get anymore cheapskates trying to bargain. Alright do you want it or not because we have somewhere else to go and this conversation is a waste of everybody's time okay so if you don't want it you can just fuck right off and we'll have somebody the minute you leave, don't hit yourself on the door by the way. Yeah, that's what I'm saying, I don't want to sell the shoe because you're a brokeass mofo who doesn't see the value in quality baby shoes and whose child seems to have zero sense of style legs wise, do you not understand? Yeah our baby didn't wear it because it was not his style, alright, not because it was ugly or anything, if it were so bad would I have bought it, would the store have sold it for so much money? There's a reason they're in business and making hundreds of millions and that's cos' they know shoes and baby shoes better than you or I, otherwise any random fool could be walking by and outsell them. They've got hundreds of people in design and marketing and research, trying to identify current trends and targeting their customers directly, no more of that spray approach bullshit anymore, alright? Okay, yeah yeah goodbye bud, see you never, didn't think you'd be able to afford it anyway by the looks of you. Yeah yeah reaaal mature of you to show me your middle finger, wow maybe take some goddamn etiquette lesson from your child because you're the one acting like a baby right now, don't understand how you've ever made it this far.

The horse

 Strong, animal. Large bushy tail. Man's good friend. Nutritious milk. Great stamina. Carries people. Used for entertainment. Long face. Subject of many jokes. Large ass. ew. Used in war. Not anymore. Used for meat. And leather. Martial ceremonies require them. Run fast. Long hair. Tattoo in the back. Wants to quit job. Recently married, arranged. Feels defensive. Likes greenery. And beer. Wants children. Owns a house. Loves new wife. Saving for a boat. Bad idea. Annoying when drunk. Turning vegetarian. Chickpeas.

The Cow

 It's  an animal. Four-legged. Gives milk. National animal of Nepal. Or is it? Eats grass. Twice. Farts. A lot. Like, a lot. Gives milk. Shit's good for plant. Some Indians drink the piss. Two horns. One tail. Meat eaten in the west. Often quite stupid. Makes baaa-ing sounds. Kindly, generally. Dairy products. Leather. Bone's useful too. Worshipped by some. Doesn't follow traffic rules. Or any human rules. Can be potty-trained. Cute when young. Short body hair... Doesn't shave armpits. Gets defensive when irritated. Likes wine. Rose up quick. Disliked by male coworkers. Efficient and ambitious. Underpaid.

So awkward

It is quite unfortunate, yes
But the circumstances
Conspired for us
To find ourselves
On the opposite side
Of this tangled mess of a web
Which I could have not
Stepped into but
How should I have known
Of you?

In the deep thick fog
That I was in
Only way ahead
Was by feeling
And whoops my bad
The beehive seemed soft
Could I have chosen
To not squeeze so hard?
Yes but then
I wouldn't have been running
So quick to
Stumble into you.
It just a matter of logistics now
To get the bees out
Of my honey-covered hands
and body, and the hive
That covers me.
Right?

So awkward.

Did you see my text?!?

I have trained my heart
To not ache,
I lie to her, through my teeth,
There are worlds to be conquered,
Says my mouth-finger
Right after my third day-nap.
Oh the lies this one's told
The things it's done,
The mouth-finger,
Where's my goddamn award,
For this Gandhi
Of strangeness
And the experiments
With radical honesty,
Well..besides the painful lies.

Oh right.
No awards for Gandhi.
No awards for me.
Us mouth-finger bros.
Crushin' it with the ho's.
Better believe it.

Lifecyle of a little bug

Not a hag,
Nuh uh uh,
How dare you sir
I am a goddamn
Fruit-fly
It turns out
Which is great
For the fly
And the fruit
But alas those flowers
So lonely in the fields
Waiting for their bees
And waiting, and waiting
But the fly,
Flies on, unaware, uncertain, uncaring
What a life, bro.
What. a. goddamn. life.

So anyways send me the pics yeah

It was all lies,
You tell me,
And
I tell you,
And everybody else,
Of course it was,
Because otherwise,
Oh dear, wherever
Will we be
That we did not
Share knowing glances
There was no
Pointed sighs
And expectant gazes
No we did not
Get lost
Because we wanted
And
Definitely
Did not
Whisper
At each other
Winking
Throbbing, pulsing.
We are just
Two people
Friendly and vocal.
That is all.

That is all.

Can't forget, can't forget, can't forget

I know,
I know
You were not
An illusion,
Not a mirage
It's just that
Like an old
Newspaper
I discolor,
Yes, yes
I'm old
We've been there
Tell me again
Who are you
And what are you
All about
Because I'm afraid
The you who fades
Is not the you
So far away.

Come West, love.
Come to the West.
There's love here.

What else, what else what else

That deep wound
Let's not dig into
What he's up to
I don't care
Not even when
It's about
The logistics
Of things
That matter
To me.
It is perhaps
Time for me
To become
The goofball.

Yet Again.

How was your weekend, anyway

Does yours
Beat
With mine
Or is it
Only
Echoes
That I hear
In the vast
Chamber
Of my
Loneliness?

I got a smart-watch but it ain't too smart

 This is supposed to be a joke post, maybe, I dunno, about how I got a smartwatch. It was one of the middle-of-the-pack models, tells the time, takes heartbeat and measures temperature stress, blood oxygen level, what have you. also can control the music apparently but I've not been been able to hack it. I'd want all my devices to be hackable, extendable repairable, that should be the direction literally all the companies should be taking, no matter what your lord emperor king smartest of all the men tells you. It's great for the users, it's great for the environment, and it's great for the companies in that they can sort of sideload their support to community groups and local repair centers. Who it is bad for, possibly but it's not clear it's true yet, is the shareholders for if you can upgrade and repair your iphone over the course of five years, will you really buy three different devices? Etcetera.

In any case, first day of the watch and I have no complaints. Yet. More to come.

Eleven things I love about the Seattle public library CapHill

1. Fucking fantastic, amazing curated collection of books
   
   
2. Have the latest books
   
   
3. Can borrow 50 items (!) at a time
   
   
4. Can self-checkout
   
   
5. Really nice and polite librarians
   
   
6. It looks  nice and modern
   
   
7. It's sunny and quiet
   
   
8. Internet is pretty fast
   
   
9. Lots of resources in addition to books and dvd's, so many events (mostly online, but still)
   
   
10. A tonne of resources for children
    
    
11. The toilet's really clean, all things considered

Ten things I hate about the Seattle library I'm at

1. The whole 'potential drug overdoser in the bathroom' sich.
   
   
2. Homeless encampment right outside.
   
   
3. Almost-naked homeless people inside
   
   
4. People moaning and grunting, unable to breathe properly, such loud breathers ugh
   
   
5. Meeting rooms are still closed, I can't hold my work meetings there
   
   
6. They won't let me sleep by default, because I could potentially have passed out.
   
   
7. No in-person events
   
   
8. It's not very big, the stacks are limited. I mean yeah interlibrary loan, but still.
   
   
9. They set the AC to be too cold
   
   
10. Not the most comfortable seats I've sat on.

Science runs pretty quick but most people aren't ready to see it real-time

 This is an amalgamation of two completely unrelated and separate threads of thoughts I've been having and exploring that do have somewhat of a uniting logic.

First, I want to discuss the innovations in kombucha technology. Since it's a 'combined colony' that thrives on tea primarily, and contains hundreds of different bacteria and yeast, people (read: researchers) have been trying to use it to inoculate everything under the Sun. Apparently seaweed tea (!) profile improves when fermented with kombucha. And a bunch of undigestible sugars and large-chain acids break down in soy milk. And a bunch of other super healthy drinks. And now they're exploring making coffee kombucha. Kombucha is used just as a reproductive medium, the 'active medium' is always some new exciting product. Though obviously kombucha won't thrive in those.

It's been a wild ride for me because I went back to the literature after a gap of a year, maybe two, and wow so many new techniques and experimentation! Like did you know if you subjected kombucha to low-frequency low-power ultrasonics, the rate of reaction and growth increases? Who even thought of the idea, yoo!

So that's the first thing.

The second topic is a bit...stressful whatever. The fools who've been using unauthorized medication to presumably treat themselves while unbelieving the peer-reviewed and verified vaccines put most of their faith on one piece of un-reviewed paper from pre-print. And then after the whole ruckus it comes out that the paper was severely faulty and had to be retracted. That's how science works, people put out papers, they're reviewed, and attempts made to reproduce them. Some are successfully copied over and over again, and become a backbone in a field. Others get left by the way.

The fact the general public now gets to see unreviewed preprints in real time and make judgments on them without any sort of expertise besides the 'having a brain' thing is turning out to be problematic because people consider themselves to be smarter than they really are, and take the wrong message from the process.

Pity.

If there were better informed, smarter people around, maybe they'd be helping reproduce those experiments as citizen scientists rather than add like a bunch of idiotic monkeys.

The education system of this gd system is to be blamed, like always.

Alas.

Maaan those unintended side-effects

 So I'm at the library, forgot to bring my earpods charged so I can't distract myself listening to podcasts as charge. I've already wasted my time looking into agriculture journals and other things and nobody's replied to me on the chat apps. Either I have to write on this very blog, or find a different way to distract myself somehow from writing. So I convince myself I'm tired and lacking in sleep, and try to take a power nap on top of my laptop.

In what should be a totally unrelated note, homelessness and drug-abusing homeless people are a big issue here in this town. They'll often go to public places and OD, etcetera. There's signs on the toilets here in the library reminding folks that toilets are meant for only pooping and peeing and not like tripping out. Also there's a needle disposal machine there. Just in case.

So I'm napping napping napping, having a great time actually, just seeing something that might resemble a relaxed dream, and the librarian comes over, apologetically wakes me up to confirm I'm alright. Sorry we have to make sure the patrons are alright she says. And not fucking od'ing away, is the subtext. So now I can't nap in the library because of the stupid situation.

Maaan.

Beer-related link

 Domhnall Gleeson, an Irish comedian shares his fondness for Irish food and drinks on Off Menu podcast, I'm listening to it. Here's a link to an interesting link that was mentioned in the show.

https://www.instagram.com/shitlondonguinness/

Guinness and liking drinks

 "Your first pint of Guinness is like drinking a dirty blanket", goes a saying apparently, even in Ireland.

Not true for me, because Guinness does taste pretty creamy and bitter and fresh, and funnily enough quite filling. There's some substance to it you know. Plus, it's not like anybody drinks beer for taste, but if you DO want to drink the booze for flavor and texture, that's the one to go for, because the head makes sense, the froth just as that perfect combo of NO2 and Irish water and the herbs and spices that make the wonderful drink.

I'm listening to David O' Doherty speak on the Off Menu podcast. Good stuff. He's the one bringing this up.

Though the beer is great, the ice-cream flavored with the beer was awful, the one we tried in Tacoma's soccer bar. Or maybe we were just too full. I wonder how you judge these things like flavor and texture objectively when there's so many other variables you need to control. Is it all marketing? Like sure there's a bunch of things that are really quite disgusting that nobody in right mind would consume, and a lot of things that are addictive, but what about the things in between.

All the people in Nepal

 AD, who is doing her grad schools and is an owner of a business that formerly also had a physical location is in Kathmandu. So is AS who also does art among other things though he's going to be back very soon, or so it is said. And so is SK who promised she'd be gone for six months, only, and it's unclear what's happening or what the direction will be. The other SK who was going to be in gradschool but not anymore thanks to covid, is that good news question mark, is also there until further notice. Sk with a b in between is too, but forever so that's a different story. And I've mentioned Lp here before, they're in there as well, I found out quite recently. So many people there concurrently, and none of them know each other. Pity.

10 things people cook in low-key camping trips

1. Some seriously sassy gossip
   
   
2.  Smores
   
   
3. potatoes
   
   
4. Burgers
   
   
5. Sausages
   
   
6. mushrooms
   
   
7. conspiracy
   
   
8. eggs
   
   
9. stinky farts
   
   
10. sweet corn

I went to a hot spring, finally, and it was a pretty decent experience

 Over the weekend the gang -- most of the members were new relatively speaking -- and I went to a Hot Spring at Olympic National Park. The idea was to find a 'natural' spring in the middle of the forest, and sneak into it but because everybody was tired lazy and cold as it rained through the weekend, we went into a fully-maintained proper spring instead. 150F water, cooled down to 115 degrees for a 'cool spring' through heat exchanger that warmed the freezing-cold stream water for the swimming pool. They also had the OG 'hot' pool but you couldn't sit down for longer than 10 minutes without seriously shrinking like a raisin. 15 bucks for an horu-and-half. In addition to the entry fee into the national park, which was variable but you should get anyway.

It was pretty great. Good times with friends. The whole thing stunk of rotten eggs or devil depending on your religious persuasion. So much sulfur. I did feel relaxed...to relaxed maybe because we were non-functional for the several hours that followed and there was some concern that the drivers wouldn't be able to concentrate on the road but things worked out.

And finally I can tell people I was at a spring. Mostly old people, very chill, and the best possible situation because it was cold and rainy outside, so the warmed of the water made it the perfect combination.

When it rains it pours, hiking edition

Since I don't drive, I don't get to go on hikes very often. I have to find friends or acquaintances with cars, who are interested to go on hikes, and free on weekends I'm available on.

So it was incredibly opportune for me to be able to go to Mt Olympic National park, and Mt. Rainier on the same weekend last weekend. And this weekend (as in two days ago), I got to go to ONP (Olympic National Park, yet again) for the second time in a matter of seven days. At this point, I've been to Mt. Rainier three times because I didn't leave a single opportunity to go and jumped at every chance, and to ONP because that's how fates worked out. So like I don't want to brag too much or anything, but besides winter sports, I seem to have covered going to the major mountains etcetera around pretty well. The only peaks I'm yet to go are Mt. Hood and Mt. St Helens and I wouldn't be very surprised if things just sorted themselves out and I got to do that in a matter of weeks from now on. Good times. Great fantastic times.

Some picked-up haikus from The Lesbian Sex Haiku Book (with Cats!)

I'm at this phase in life where it's the easiest to make Lesbian friends no questions asked, specially if they're the sort to go out and meet women because between the two of us we'll have all of the ground covered. So in the spirit of meeting new friends, here's some haikus from The Lesbian Sex Haiku Book (with Cats!) that I randomly picked up at the Library.

How about we stop
beating 'round the bush and start...
beating 'round the bush

It's like straight sex, but
we don't have to rub one out
ourselves afterward

How to let a queer girl down gently

I would invite you
up, but I still share a bed
with my ex-girlfriend

I must tend to my
succulents, flying squirrel,
and hemp marinade

What's a bisexual?

ACCORDING TO DOUCHE CANOES
Only the bread to
my favourite sandwich, bro!
Amirite? Up top!

ACCORDING TO YOUR LIBERAL HIPPIE MOM
Love is love! I had
spiritual intercourse
with a redwood once.

According to beersexuals, a.k.a girls who make out with girls solely to turn guys on
Three parts vodka and
two parts "It seemed so fun in
Katy Perry's Song!"

According to the guys who benefit from beersexuals' exhibitionism
WHOO-OO-OOO-OO-OOOO
OO-OO-OO-OO-WHOO-OO-OO
OO-OOOO-O-OO-OO!