Try talking to new people, fuck trauma

Those were the words written to me the other day. And while I often pretend to understand less than I really do, it's also true that quite often the level of understanding of social situations I have is way below what would be expected from me, from somebody in my age group and you know generally maturity level.

So with that in mind, I was a little confused. First I was flattered obviously that they figured I'd be doing fantastically well. And then it dawned on me that maybe I was giving off the impression, perhaps, that I wasn't talking to new people or trying to, and was held down by some trauma that disabled me from socializing with people in an open and honest way. Which is...not reflective...of...how things have been with me, but then you are quite often the last person to figure things out about yourself. Maybe that's all true.

Why does this matter? Because there are some 'signals' you're giving subconsciously without meaning to, and you want to be maybe at least aware of what they mean and what you're communicating, and if there's any potential there controlling the message you're sending. Because if the message I'm sending out is that I'm a traumatized little child who's not talking to new people, that sort of undermines the OTHER sort of message I'm sending, or attempting to, which is that I'm ACTUALLY none of those things, that I'm a well-functioning mature adult who knows what he wants generally speaking and is ready to work towards it and pay the price of it, etcetera. My words and my actions (but actually just words that are unspoken) could be in contradiction, and my actions could be getting a higher priority in people's perception of me.

So I really gotta work towards figuring the situation out. What am I telling people, and how do I say something else. And ideally, how do I not actually say anything of value ever, while making sure people hear from me exactly what they want to hear. How do I get to be a reflection of people's egos and quirkiness so when they see me they don't see a villain, but an extension of themselves?

These are the things I ponder upon as I try sleeping for a little longer than few short hours.