Uncertainty, confusion

Fiction.

People aren't going to run after you if you don't believe in communities and friendships. You need to go out of your way to hit people up, maintain relationships and partnerships man, I tell the guest. I...I..don't know, I'm an introvert, this is all so confusing. It's the first time I'm leaving home you know, my friends are all back home, all the people i know and it feels like I can connect better with random acquaintances from home than the closest friends I have made here. What is this, I've been living in this town for six years now, six goddamn years and what do I have to show, what really can I take out and say, hey so this is what I have for my time in this area? I can't think of one.single.thing. It's so weird. It scares me. And until now it didn't matter because I was throwing myself into work and then all that volunteering but now there's very little of that? and online things don't feel as...rewarding, and all the people I knew here are back at their parents' place, and I thought this was our new home you know, that we had, collectively as a group agreed that we were not children of our villages or towns, but the adoptees of this city. But no, it was a lie it feels to me, they were all just chilling here, never intended to make this their permanent home and at the slightest sign of danger, they're making a run for it. How fucking strange and disappointing is that. And now I can't go back...it's it's strange.

Wait, why can't you go back, the friend asks.

Because...because...everybody thinks i'm done for, it would be humiliating to admit that I was wrong, that I was actually not different or better than everybody that i didn't learn or grow in all these years, we're all in the same place as we were back then. No progress, it's circles all the way down. Nothing exciting about that. That's how I've defined myself, and if the foundational bricks of my identity are vanishing away then who the heck am I really, what do I care about and where do I want to be at? Am I just this fakey who thinks such and such things matter but no not really and at the slightest hint of danger and risk I'll abandon my ideals and compromise for whatever shit there is? Why take the easy life, why not struggle, why do I not grow? Growing is fun, and that's the meaning of life. And this is...this is crap. Bullshit. I'm a nobody, a nothing, uncared and unloved it feels like, who do I go to for direction, what the fuck is happening, just tell me, who's there that can help me.

Hey hey hey, man just like, chill out okay, you're alright, I"m alright, we're all fine, whatever. Just keep your head cool and think about what it is you really care about in life. Where do you want to be. Is the direction that everybody else is taking where you want to be? Because you know your path can be unique and nobody can take it away from you.