So if somebody asks me what's up and why I'm not doing anything with my writing I tell them it's because writing needs a lot of discipline and commitment. About two hours per day, something which I haven't been putting in. And when I do shitty stuff like this, writing thousands of words every day over weeks, and not writing anything for the following months, it's painful, the rest of my life stops. Then I tell myself it'll end I'll start writing again, get shit together. It never happens. Not even once. I get lazy tired and forget what an awful time I had trying to cover up for months' worth of writing. I try to convince myself it'll be fine, I'll cover things up. Or even stop writing because I don't have it in me. But I can't do that to myself. I've been writing consistently for four years at this point and stopping the process is not something I am open with. I need to keep writing, if not regularly then to 'cover up' for it. Which, as I've iterated about a thousand times on this blog, is not how it should work. The writing is for maintaining the discipline not for throwing out the words in here. And I remind myself consistently. Yet that don't work, I keep getting lazy and tired and bored. Afraid of failure is where it's at. What I fear is unclear. Just words which nobody reads. It'll never be published. There's not a hint of talent in these words. That's very freeing because I have no standards to live by, no expectations to meet. I tell myself that anyway. Tough to fully convince yourself of that though. So push push push, the writing does get. Until it's unbearable. And I live like a loser with a nasty apartment who only writes and does little else. Doesn't even reply to cute women's text messages what an awful ass.
Building a strong habit of writing is important. I've completed one part of the habit forming over the last four years. Which is that writing is an inseparable part of my life, like showering or eating or brushing. If I don't do it I get uncontrollably guilty. Do everything to make up for it. Which is a part of the problem now. It's like not eating for a week and making up for it by absolutely gorging for two days nonstop. At the cost of one's health.
Now onto the second part of the habit formation. It needs to be done daily. Regardless of where I'm at or what I'm doing or how I feel or who I'm hanging out with. Because it's a part of my life now, it tortures me to not do it. I'm not good at it, and that's no big deal. I'm not the best toothbrusher in the world and nobody ever complained about that. Writing in this blog is like that. It's about the habit-forming, getting out of the bed, and getting the words out. No matter what. What's my problem with that?
No comments:
Post a Comment
Tell me what you think. I'll read, promise.