Sadmission: I'm not a terrible writer and even if I was, I've done myself wrong all these years

There is no shame in being yourself.

It's taken me way too long to figure that out.

Particularly about my writing, in this blog more specifically.

As I was going through the past posts organizing them I noticed that every fiction post began with how terrible it was and how it was a piece of shit and asked for forgiveness. And those pieces were fine, really, honestly quite titillating if I may say so myself.

Reading my past posts has made me realize a few things.

First, I'm not a terrible writer, not at all. Most of the posts here are of, uhh not publishable quality, because they don't receive much editing or polishing. Which is exactly what's meant to happen, they're on a personal blog in an unknown corner of the internet nobody visits. They're not supposed to be a height of literary sophistication. And even then, the substance is quite interesting, there's always a turn that's unexpected, barely a dull moment. I don't grade myself on a curve, but even if I did, it'd be rough for others and not me. There's maybe consistency issues, or perhaps motivation problem, possibly lack of proper knowledge of tools of the craft, but a lack of skill or innate talent is likely not what I suffer with. And if I did, all the hard work and effort I put in would be sufficient to overcome it.

Second, what if I were an awful terrible writer, unworthy of being read by anybody besides closest friends and family and even they would be required to pinch their noses before reading the blog? Not like I'm being paid for this material. Not like I'm a writer. And nowhere is any of this 'official'. It's like going to somebody's store room where they've stored all the terrible pieces of art they practiced and abandoned, and complaining what an awful artist the person is. That may be true, but the context is not right, the person to judge has their priorities all messed up.

Which brings me to my realization.

What matters is that I keep writing, be gritty like it's nobody's business. That I've been doing. What I've been missing out on is that the grit needs to be backed by true belief, faith, and reverence for one's craft. You can't just do something to prove the critics wrong, put all your energies in it, while openly stating that actually you hate all of it, you wouldn't even care were it not for the critics, you know you're bad but you'll do great anyway. That doesn't work. Grit is a force multiplier (please kill me, I've become proficient in business speak now) only when the 'force' is believed, respected, revered. Any cynicism and disbelief on the fighter's part undermines the argument, invalidates the battle. The critics were right, you're just trying to change history by fighting hard in other words.

These words have been said so many times in all the various forms in movies and tv and all the billion forms of media throughout human history they've lost all the emotional valence, but I'll repeat it again. Change is possible, but you have to believe in it, you have to believe in yourself. You cannot fake that belief, it has to come from the inside, have the burning desire to show to the world that they're wrong and you're right, and you will have won.

Goodstuff.