This is so pitiable, a bit sad, a bit pathetic and a whole lot desperate. Thing is, I'm so very far from getting caught up, and the energy level is not uhh aligned towards getting shit done. Yeah I'm socializing, and having fun with friends, but that ain't no justification for abandoning activities that ground you, yanno? Like if I cared about writing more, this would be the first thing I did after waking up, or after work, or before going to bed. Something done during the same time of the day so the 'anchor' stays the same. But oh no, I wait for the worst possible time, when I'm tired and lazy, and don't want to write. Then I don't start the timer. And even when I do, I decide actually I haven't caught up on the affairs of the land, need to go into the mastodon, need to check what the Chinese are upto, oooh this is a great recipe from a random website, oh yeah I should be listening to more songs. Four hours later I'm already five hours behind my regular bedtime, and haven't written one. single. word. Not even one. Pathetic. It keeps adding up. Two weeks later I'm complaining about what a miserable experience it is. Of course. I made it so. If I cared more, we wouldn't be experiencing this, would we. But no, that's what keeps happening over over over.
In the end though I will come up ahead. Writing is, as we've discussed, what defines me. My identity, my schedule, my thoughts, my beliefs and desires. There's no running away from it, there's no shame, embarrassment or fear. One must eventually come back to it, not for the sake for the activity itself, but where it'll take me. It's the car of my life that'll take me to various fun destinations. And what I'm missing out on is doing daily maintenance, filling up on gas, checking tire pressure, not changing engine oil and wiper fluid. It's going to bite me, if I want to get anywhere at a reasonable pace.
Writing is literally accelerating my journey. It's not something that should be abandoned, or put to the end of the day. It needs energy, vigor, motivation and drive. It should be the prime directive. I'll remind this to myself forever.
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