I'm not sure if I'm a disciplined person. There's been a quite a few successful projects going as of late, things I'm very passionate about, and my life has been organized to a greater extent than it used to be. Not that much more mind you, it's not like I used to be a flowing river and now I'm a diamond, but things have gotten generally structured and I can generally make myself follow a routine, at least on a daily manner.
But it seems it's limited to daily routines. I tried getting myself into weekly routines. It worked for a few weeks and then i stopped paying attention to it. Just like I tried to run, but stopped doing it after a couple of weeks. It seems like I'm somewhat disciplined, but only for things I really care about or things that have my particular interests in. For example, until a month ago, I was quite disciplined with the various weekly projects I had and would do a few a week no matter what. Now all those projects are in the gutter and I do whatever i want to every evening.
There's minor problems even with disciplined daily routines. Yes, I do follow a routine pattern mostly every week day, but I can't make myself check off my todo lists every day. Sometimes I'll even do it several days at the same time. And weekends are a mess. Always a mess. I'm always behind on everything even though I'm doing things that are a total waste of time and don't even make me happy while things I should be doing lay untouched. Bad, bad signs.
Where I'm going at with this is perhaps this; my self-discipline has improved a little, just a little, over the past weeks and months but not sufficiently enough for me to just take on a new project without anxiety. The day when I can do simple things just like that without freaking out about missing something or it being a waste of time or too overwhelming. They never are, I never do those things, running two laps around your block is not too hard or overwhelming or tiring when you have set zero expectations about the time or speed. It's just two laps around my own goddamn block and I seem to not be able too do it, not sure what's up with that.
In any case, this was supposed to be the written piece for last (Wednesday) night I'm writing this on the thursday morning. I should be able to produce more fiction soon.
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