Age of empires, the fear of loss and failure, and learning to frame loss as a learning process

Every so often I'll play a quick game of Age of Empires on my computer. The game that I downloaded in 2007 from a pirate site two computers ago that's gone with me everywhere. I set it to the hardest mode, fastest pace, give enemies all the handicap they need, and fight 7v1. It's a brutal match, but I use all the advanced cheats. And still it's a little bit of a challenge. Eventually though, after fourty minutes to maybe an hour, I'll eventually win. Relief. Relaxation. A self of accomplishment.

I've justified my gameplay as being more interested in the storytelling mode of gameplay rather than intense competition. While that is true -- I'm not at all interested in competing with others often, even in something I'm good at -- that's not the full story. I could just play again the AI in more realistic mode without the cheat. There's not a lot of competition involved there. But it's hard to do. There's fear, insecurity and so much pain. A fear of loss and failure, of disappointment. Wasting time with no clear goal. Of not enjoying the process, while not caring for the outcome.

What that means is I'm still in the process of learning to frame loss not as a defeat, as a personal failure, but as a part of the learning process. How would anybody ever learn if they didn't fall, how would a child learn to walk without falling every so often? Exams are just that, they're a 'test' of one's mettle and skills. And if you're acing your exams always it means you're not pushing yourself hard enough. If you're always failing, that means you're going way beyond your level. The ideal level is always somewhere in the middle: decent amount of success so you don't get disheartened, and enough losses so you don't get bored. But even that loss is too much for me. ANY loss I see as a commentary on me, a personal attack from the universe.

It's a silly, self-defeating approach to life. This is where a more stoic approach to life is more appropriate. Krishna's 'do your deed, don't care for outcome', or 'the process is more important than the outcome' call of modern self-help gurus.

I need to get better!