It is becoming increasingly clear to me that my inability to reach, or even point myself, to the direction of my desires is caused by two related but countering forces. First, it's the exceedingly high expectations for myself that nobody reasonable would subject themselves to. Which means you know getting a lot lot of shit done on a workday after work is done, which yeah I do have weird hours that give me lots of leeway but I don't have more hours than a normal person, they're just arranged differently. And what I'm doing is like pretty great already because most people don't just do much outside of work on a regular day. So a day that would be satisfactory, even a fucking fantastic one, would be disappointing and shameful for me because I'd spent all of it sleeping, watching tv, walking a bit, and talking to family. Outside of work. Which is a lot, but not compared to my own high standards.
The second force is the one opposite to it. Because I fail every so often to meet my expectations, I surrender very quickly, and give leeway due to lack of energy, to not achieve even everyday goals that anybody should expect from themselves. And that's because I've tired myself out on the 'reach' goals. So clearing dishes takes forever, vacuuming rooms is such a tiring experience etcetera. Because my disappointments have got ahead of me and are actively blocking things that very much need need to be done.
The solution: I need to be more conscious about things that are more in like with the deeds of an average functional human adult male, and those that are 'reach' goals, and do the basics first before anything else.
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