Heavy lunch of tomatoes (many) eggs (2) pesto hash mayo, fried tomato, and vegan sausage, AS(y) and I walk for 6 hours to Fremont and drive back to UW, train back, sunburnt [Thu 30]

 This is the last post of June and phew this is finally over as I write nine days after the month ended. I need to be more serious about writing on this blog, more reverent about the act of writing, while not being afraid to ignore it for days because I'm scared to confront the situation.

Since we were to be going for a nice long walk, I got a heavy lunch. Two large tomatoes, two eggs, lots of pesto, hash browns, mayo, tomatoes fried and in sandwich, and vegan sausage. So full I remember vividly how I felt then.

As(y) and I met up at the park and kept walking. To Volunteer park, Interlaken, to the UW bridge, then got some food to eat at UW strip, down to Gilman strip, rested at Gasworks park (shouldn't have done that because we discovered how tired we were and didn't want to walk anymore) and then to Fremont. Called Ar(e) who worked nearby but she had other plans and we were a bit tired so we got Gig back, I was dropped at the UDistrict station, took it to CapHill, walked home. Wanted to walk a few thousand more steps to set a new personal step record but that didn't happen because I was too sunburnt and tired.

Slept and rested for the rest of the day, didn't do much, most definitely didn't go to anybody's place. I should start a new challenge, 10k, then 20k-a-day, 25k challenge, then 50k then a 100k. It'll be a good practice for my PCT challenge yeah?

Butter-fried pesto-tomato-mozzarella sammich lunch, HMart and target trip get Kimchi finally, unwanted shoe at Ross, hang at Madison park, walk at Greenlake with lilgang [Wed 29]

For lunch I 'fried' up ciabatta in butter, made pesto-tomato-mozz sandwich ones again, more buttery and crunchy than I've been having recently.

After work I walked to HMart and Target, needed to get sheets for my living room bedding and also other general supplies. Bought a large kimchi at HMart, saw security guards chasing homeless thieves. Stopped by at Ross, got a nice pair of shoes that I didn't want that I didn't try and that don't fit me because they were quite cheap.

Got caught up with the lilgang, that's what I'm calling Ar(e) and As(y), they wanted to know what was up, I didn't open up, we went to Greenlake and took a nice lap around it, that was really relaxing and helped me open up, connected with the gang quite well, but not where I wanted to be at. Ugh. I'm glad all that stress and disappointment is dissipating inside me because it was...quite something in those days (aka this day).

Roti-cheese-onion tacos with bruschetta, volunteer-interlaken loop, TJ's shopping of cheese eggs, bruchsetta bread and fruits [Tue 28]

 I made 'tacos' out of TJ' rotis by putting in onion and cheese in them and 'frying' them in butter, later dipping in bruschetta. Here's the situation: you CAN have too much onion turns out, raw french-cut onion is to be used with care in these circumstances.

In the afternoon I went on a walk, Volunteer and interlaken parks, into the park from the lower route, back from the upper one, new experiment worked out pretty well.

On my way back stopped at Trader Joe's, got cheese, eggs, bruchetta and fruits, this is the usual for recent times since they don't sell proper groceries, man I should really make the time to go to Hau Hau market.

Chickpeas egg and rice lunch, gym and hang at Sb's, comedy watching [Mon 27]

Still tired and recovering from the intense emotions of the preceding weekend, I had chickpeas eggs and rice cooked separately over the same pan at the same time. Went to Sb's place in the evening, chilled, I wanted to relax so we watched a bunch of british comedies.

Bruschetta egg and hash sandwich brunch, driving range with As{y), strawberries at farmer's market, mad sad and latenight cry at Volunteer park, I don't sleep [Sun 26]

 For breakfast I had bruschetta, egg and hash in ciabbatta.

Rode the train to UW with AS(y) and hit golf balls for an hour at the driving range there. On my way back bought some fresh strawberries at the farmer's market, and maaan are those strawberries fresh! Finally I understand that this country DOES have sweet fresh heavenly strawberries like we had in Nepal, it's just that the ones sold on grocery store shelves suck and are 'strawberry' in name and likeness only.

Anyway I discovered some things and connected a few dots that weren't meant to be connected but came to a general realization that the reasons I'd moved to this town had been kinda discredited due to my friends' behavior. I was very mad sad disappointed at everybody and felt sick to the stomach. I couldn't handle it well so went to Volunteer park late at night and cried/sobbed for like half a minute but barely, and walked back, talked to Sb on the way and made promises it turns out I wouldn't/couldn't keep but the realizations have been long lasting and two weeks later when I'm writing these I've kept to those things. Man, you think people are like you and share generally the same worldview but no they're actually quite different and it hurts when they clash. It hurts even more when it's not just about politics but about people's relationship with others and how their beliefs shape those. It was a big big fat bummer I tell ya.

I was so mad sad disappointed annoyed that I didn't sleep through the night. Maybe got 20 minutes of sleep, max.

Whatever.

Up way too early for hiking trip, trip gets cut short, walk with the boys and doggo at Meadowdale and Marina beach, no-swim at Magnusson park, I wait to party with Sk who never shows up [Sat 25]

 So the night before we'd made a hiking plan. Because SK told me that those were solid plans, and we'd leave at 6.30-7 no questions asked, I got up early put on my clothes, and got hyped for the long hike. 6 turned to seven which turned to eight to nine to ten. He got back to me at half past ten. They'd stayed up without me having fun, and so he couldn't get up. And he was like, maybe we shouldn't do the whole trip anymore since we're so late already, which was in direct opposition to everything he said the night before. Fine I thought, a hike is the hike. Sb was in the plan too, so we picked up and the four of us including M the dogo went to Meadowdale for a nice long high hike. It was pretty decent sized and we didn't get beach access because they'd blocked it with two layers of fencing that we didn't want to break.

From there we drove over to Marina beach and played with the doggo and water for the next few hours. Since it was pride weekend, Sk told me we'd be hanging out later because he really wanted to go to a party and I didn't but he convinced me otherwise.

After getting back, I joined the rest of the team and went to Magnussen park near the beach. I went in the water but didn't swim because the water was extremely chilly but more importantly the waves were incredibly violent, something I'd never seen at a lake of the size. It wasn't as fun as it could have been for reasons I don't yet comprehend, at least Ar(e) and I went on a nice walk.

Back home I changed to party dress and waited for Sk to call me back. The rest of the gang partied on. I waited for him at the park near my home until 12am and he didn't reply so I just went home and slept.

Turns out he got up after I went to bed, invited everybody else over and partied on, again until wee hours of the morning. I didn't know any of that. Also apparently they thought that I was there which is why some of them went? I buy that.

Anyway, sound sleep, not too bad, good times, a bit of disappointment.

Egg rice and chickpeas lunch in the same pan, hang and early back at SK's AKS not found, early night in and sadheko shin with bruschetta [Fri 24]

 So remember how I made potato and chickpea curry the day before. Well this day I reheated them but instead of turning them into fried rice, I used a large pan, put rice on one side, eggs on the other side, and separated them with a wall of chickpea-potato. This is an innovation that'll stay with me for long while.

In the evening As(y) and I went and hung out at Sk's place, watched tv got high played with the doggo, kept waiting for Aks(e) to show up but he never did. I got tired and went home at 11.30 but apparently he showed up and so did the girls and they stayed up until 4am I'm told, which is fine whatever, I don't want to mess my sleep cycle to accommodate for other people's lifestyles anymore.

Back home I got really hungry for some reason, and that reason can be summarized as 'munchies', so I opened up a packet of shin ramyun, the last packet in my possession it turns out, added some nice oil vinegar and onion/tomato and dumped a whole lotta bruschetta. Turns out that makes for an amaazing chauchau sadheko! What an innovative solution to the problem of 'laziness', I thought!

Slept pretty early.

Chickpea rice and bhogate lunch, TJ's trip with bread bruschetta, rotis etc, quick catchup at AKS's, early night in [Thu 23]

For lunch I had chickpea ko tarkari and bhogate.

Went to TJ's for grocery shopping, got bread, bruschetta, rotis etc, the staples, nothing too exciting.

In the evening we ended up at Aks(e) again, and once again I called in a early night because I had work the next morning and also because things were a little too strange and I didn't want to be forced to talk about my trip while people were pda'ing beyond comprehension with zero shame.

I get a haircut, tomatoes, eggs cheese and hash and peach for lunch, walk to Volunteer park, interlaken park, uphil walk back, gymming, quick hang with the gang, early night in [Wed 22]

 After work I went to my local barber's and got a haircut, as is tradition when I discover that everybody can tell at this point that I'm balding.

For lunch I had tomatoes egg cheese and hash sandwich, plus peaches that had been left in the fridge and freezer from before I left for Denver.

Later I went on a walk to Volunteer park, the to Interlaken park, took a new route, kept walking to the west of the park until I got to the bridge, and then walked uphill all the way. Discovered some really sick houses on the streets there. I'll be going there a lot more.

From the parks, walked to the gym at Sb's, did some pretty solid workouts, played games for a bit, walked back to CapHill, hungout with the gang for a short while and got caught up on my trip, and called it an early night because I had work at 6 and they had not much happening.

Egg tomato potato sammich, rest day [Tue 21]

 For brunch I had eggs, hashbrowns and pesto sandwich. Didn't do much for the rest of the day, just got caught up on the news of the b*c*in collapse and the events surrounding it. Exciting times for somebody like me. Also watched way wayy to much Peep show I need to go easy with it.

Long videochat with friends in Germany, pressed panini sammich dinner, rest day [Mon 20]

 In the morning/afternoon I had a long videochat with folks in Germany.

For dinner I had pressed panini sandwich with mozz and tomato and pesto.

Didn't do much for the rest of the day except nap and get caught up on cleaning around the house. I'd been back from a long trip and needed some time for myself.

Packing up, hangout with VS in Denver, gummies and kavasutra hang, out at cheeseman park, vegetarian biryani, back home at 2am in uber [Sun 19]

 Last day in Denver! In the morning I spent cleaning up the room and packing everything up. This was a big deal because for the past ten days the room had been occupied by the five of us and looked kinda' like a refugee camp and we'd put our belongings all over the place.

I'd communicated with VS the day before about being in Denver so he came to pick me up from Boulder, and we hung out for a solid part of the day. We got caught up on how he was having a good time in the city, how he was getting unwanted attention from bisexual women, how he wanted a yogini partner, his interest in the music industry and his show in November upcoming, how new people were spoiling the city of Boulder etcetera.

I had a lotta gummies. We went to Kavasutra and had some quality kava. It was pretty strong, I discovered the combo of weed and kava puts me in a really strange 'stoned' place. That I don't necessarily hate?

We got some food at a local eatery, I got the snacks, they were alright. Then we walked around Cheeseman park which is the local central park, thought it was pretty cool. There was this pantheon where local artists and performers were practicing various tricks, good ratio of men to women, and invited VS to do it with them. Man he's so open to new ideas and talking to people and learning new things, I wish I was like that.

Eventually we exhausted things to do, made plans to meet again soon, and he dropped me at the house. I gave him all the leftover gummies we'd bought a few days previously because I didn't want to take them on the plane. I was still pretty loopy while talking to family.

Had the vegetarian biryani for early dinner and damnnn it was so good, one oft he most memorable vegetable biryani I've had in recent times.

In the evening our youngest cousin dropped us to the airport, we spent some time waiting, it was annoying how the lines were setup but eventually boarded, comfortable seating and a pretty uneventful flight home. Collected Sb's luggage, ordered an uber, got dropped off and it was off to sleep at 2.30 in the morn!

Chatpate lunch, leftover dinner, latenight hang and dance outside with the family, antakshari [Sat 18]

 The evening before was supposed to be when I'd be gone to Seattle but I spent like a hundred bucks to push over the dates by two days, so this was a freebie for me. We spent the earlier night dropping our girl cousin to the airport, so got up super late, and most of the family was gone exploring places.

Made chatpate for lunch as we watched horror movies on tv, lots of fun, a chill relaxing day after what felt like a very long time.

Dinner was leftover from the party and stuff, so so good. In the evening all of us sat outside, talking chilling, making future plans, pulling each others' legs, playing antaakshari, playing songs and dancing. It was good healthy safe family fun, the sort I want for the rest of my life because this is the sort of situation that gives you energy to do interesting things in life instead of sapping your energy and getting you all tired.

Hang at the mall, shopping, shakeshack lunch, we go downtown, lucky strike and The church, I lose joints, cousin gets flirted with, I make connections, hella expensive e-taxi ride [Fri 17]

 We went on a trip to the mall, just us kids without our youngest cousin who went to a climbing gym. Bought a bunch of things for ourselves, explored so many different stores including a sporting store where the boys played basketball/football inside, we sat down on massage chairs and had lotta fun. At the food court the rest of the gang got food at the chinese place, very chain-like, and I got burger and fries at shake-shack. Too much food, not enough flavor, I should have skipped the whole thing like S did and eaten at home honestly.

We returned home, showered, put on nice clothes and got ready for our trip downtown! We were going clubbing!

We went to the train station, dropped in the car, to catch one to the city but turned out the train was cancelled so we had to take an uber ride. It was twenty bucks. The car dropped us right smack in town, first thing we did was go to a weed store and buy edibles and joints. We smoked up a full joint and hand gummies.

Then we went to the liquor store and bought a bunch of small bottles of premade cocktails. Walked around the whole goddamn town to figure out a place to drink it, including considering toilets. None of that worked.

In the end we ended up at lucky strike where we got some snacks, mostly nachos I think, and mixed our drinks with water, getting drunk on the cheap.

After the lucky strike, we went to...we kept walking and walking exploring the city, until we reached The Church which was the club we'd gotten the tickets for earlier in the evening. The bouncer made me throw my joints, I hid them plus the lighter in front of a bush of an apartment and sent messages to all the cousins to remind me to pick it up when we were done. They forgot to do that, and that's how we lost 1.5 joints, not a big loss but still something worth being bothered about mildly.

In the club we danced until we got very tired. Our girl cousin got flirted with by a lot of cute women, and some creepy men but whtever, that's life. Our youngest cousin danced hardcore. I made connection with a cute girl who hug me and we shared some pretty intimate moments later and I forgot to ask for her number or snapchat, what a bummer.

Done with the place at 1.40, forgot the weed, got into an uber ride, hella expensive, it was 90 bucks back home apparently. Because I was drunk (a little bit?) and high, I was wayy wayyy to talkative, so that a annoying. That's where I got the idea for the collection of poems about Kathmandu.

Bartaman day! Boys lose hair, we take videos and videocalls, yummy food, dance with the girls, presentation, funtimes, clearing the place up, evening chillaxing [Thu 16]

 It was the day of the Bartaman!

The boys were shaved in the morning, pretty painfully because the folks who were their mams or some sort of male relatives were number one not profesionals, number two didn't use enough water, number three didn't use enough shaving foam either. Lot of blood involved. Thankfully the hair shearing part was over pretty quick and then it was a daylong pooja fest. We were doing two videocalls, one phone on each hand, to two different groups of people, most of us. That's how popular the whole thing was.

The food was really yummy, so much dessert, way way too much dessert due to the poor planning of the folks who sold them because they sold like ten gallons of sugar water without thawing them for use in the same day. All the uncles form the nearby restaurants and stores came and setup the chairs and tents and food and cooked and served, it was so nice. Man I really understood the importance of community and being nice to friends and family and helping each other out.

In the afternoon we did several rounds of dance practice and finally danced for real. So did the girls. And so did a little girl who was about seven. So much dancing happened after that. Hung out with the cousins' cousin for a bit and understood how Nepali Americans are doing. The whole lot of them are doing quite well it turns out.

In the evening we cleaned up the place, helped take the tents down and folded the chairs and loaded the trucks. Turns out my shoes were misused by the whole lot and were kinda screwed up, which wasn't the best but whatever, good times were head. So much food and dessert by the way ugh, I still reel in memory of the sweet sweet lalmoan and jeri.

Evening was relaxed and chill with the family, making fun of each other, eating.

Sb extended his trip by two days this evening, I didn't, I'd be doing that the following evening.

We dress up in kurtas, bartaman pooja, bhat-dal-tarkari, walk-and-toke in the park, the boys get ready with porcupine quills, we practice dancing [Wed 15]

 Got gifted kurtas, all of us, so we put those on for the events of the day, it was a day for the bartaman pooja. My dress was alright but the top buttons kept getting lost, I'm left with a single button at this point alas. The younger brothers were in pooja for most of the day, and had the porcupine quills put on their heat, preparation for the main event for the following day.

Lunch/dinner were dal-bhat-tarkari, as always.

In the evening we went out for a walk in the park, toked up a bit, got lost, found ourselves, laughed a lot.

I proposed in the evening that we should do prepared dances for the following day, so the boys and I, trained by our sister cousin, got practicing dance on 'kasle delaa man'. I was terrible at it, so inelegant, but I almost made up for it in the energy. Man I should really learn to be more flexible and better at dancing generally.

Drive to the mall and shoestore with the guys, lunch at Popeyes, house gets ready for bartaman, pizza and chicken bake run at Costco, house looks like wedding house [Tue 14]

After lunch we drove to the mall and went to the Nike shoestore. Bhai bought me Nike socks, on aunt's behalf. We spent a really really really freaking' long time in there, I was getting so bored. Sister didn't go. I bailed out of work quite early to make the trip.

We checked a couple of other stores, and then got lunch, the five of us, at Popeyes. I got mac n cheese and rice n beans, yummies!

The house had gotten quite well-decorated by the time we got back, it looked like a place you see in hindi movies! Those pink shawls, flowers, decorations everywhere, man what a festive environment it was.

Because there were so many children and guests generally and not enough food, we went to Costco to get the supplies. We bought a few large pizzas from their takeout place, and a couple of chicken bakes too. They were exactly adequate, all gone but not without everybody getting their fair share. Good times.

Return to Denver, massive tacobell lunch, bhat-dal-tarkari dinner, at the driving range in TopGolf, I'm bad at it [Mon 13]

 We returned back from the airbnb trip, I think we may have hiked on this day at Shadow Mountain lake where the walk was boring and we made fun of Sb for getting his pants torn up by a random log.

On our way back we had a massive tacobell lunch because we were high and also it was only few eating places for a long time.

Back home we had dal-bad-tarkari always yum yum, can't complain about those.

In the evening we went to TopGolf which is a driving range with all top-of-the-line technology, RFID chips in balls being tracked on the screens for the speed, direction, curve all of it. I discovered I'm really bad at driving of all kind, including golf, and barely hit a few shots. Realized I needed to work harder if I wanted to get any good in golfing.

Trip to Rocky Mountain NP, hike, unbelievable scenery, toking up, disappointing lunch, airnb with the cousins, cousin flirted with, funsies, we sleep everywhere [Sun 12]

Drove to Rocky Mountain National Park while making fun of each other, really fun times, made fun of S and his British accept as well. We did some minor 'hiking' can't really be considered hiking all things considered, but one would imagine that this was better than the Alps or whatever, the scenery we saw. Also it's possible this was the day we were near Shadow Lake in which case Sb was violated by a piece of log and had his trousers torn. But possibly not. In which case we hiked up a super cold and snowy mountain, trouble breathing but hella' time overall, so fucking windy, it was incredible.

On our way back we got into the airbnb that Sb had reserved. Headed out to get a couple of joints, because of various reasons only Ss (atl), out only girl cousin had to go in. Apparently she was flirted at with hardcore by the girl cashier there and got a discount. Went to the airbnb, watched horror, got really really high, got tired, tried sleeping, watched more horror, watched one awful movie that I don't remember oh yeah it was the American version of the Swedish movie about some vampire girl i'd already seen and it was weird. S and I slept on the top part, to get down using ladders was really rough, one of the youngest cousins slept on the floor or the couch even when he didn't need to because we were so high and tired and maybe people drank too?

Ss got a bit paranoid because she hadn't really toked up before but I helped her make sense of the world.

Family get-together, doggo hang, drive to Estes park, sightseeing, oppressive heat, yum tibet kitchen momos in Boulder, Sun takes its toll, I skip the reservoir trip [Sat 11]

 Got to see all the extended family of extended family, talked to young cousins after like 12 years, S was from UK, P is a sophomore now in CU Boulder. Hung out with their super cute doggo too.

We drove to Estes park, looked at the mountains, chilled and did a short hike where we made fun of each other.

The heat was intense, oppressive, awful really I didn't feel like I enjoyed the area only because of the heat. On our way back we stopped by in Boulder where we got momos at Tibet kitchen. Honestly it was one of the better momos I've had.

I was so spent due to the heat and all the partying and lack of sleep from previous nights that I slept and rested while the rest of the gang went to a nearby reservoir to swim and have fun. Had to escape that unfortunately, but whatever, at least I recovered my energy level.

Leftover mac 'n cheese, packing for the trip, hang at the special lounge, overstuffed, comfy flight, onto Denver! latenight sleep [Fri 10]

 For lunch I had leftover mac n' cheese, fuking finally finishing it forever, man what a fiasco that was. The good news is the fried onions and mushroom were like really really good idea for additions to the 'pasta', and I really really want to be doing it again and serve it to friends and family. Love doing this sot of experimentation.

Packed up my belongings for the Colorado trip, didn't take long time at all. The lines at the airport were so stupid, I'd changed lines for like three times, but eventually Sb and I made it to the gate at the same time, way before our flight, so we went into the lounge using his credit card and ate drank so much, spent like an hour plus in there. Overstuffed. Got into the flight, sat separately but slept very comfortably. We stopped at an airport outside Bay Area where I went to the restroom and chilled with the air hostess then it was back into our seats. The second leg of the journey was way emptier.

Reached Denver, got caught up with our cousin sister, waited for the baggage that Sb had brought for ust eight days, and then took the uber to the cousins' home. It was so very full, so sleeping took some time, it was bedtime only at around 2.30 local time.

Pressed panini lunch, cha cha's hangout with Aks, late night party, hardcore latenight hang, so tired [Thu 9]

 For lunch I made the standard ciabatta with pesto, mozz and salted tomatoes, except I covered the whole thing in foil and pressed it hard on the pan with my hands and plate. So it turned out to be a pretty solid panini sammich with really melty mozz. Yum yum yum.

In the evening I met up with Aks(e) for drinks, got caught up on our lives, he's company's in a tricky place and they might go out of business anytime soon. Didn't really drink, got a drink or two of kombucha. We were about to head out when Bd came in and we hung out with him a bit. And he came over to my place, where we drank lotsa chhyang etcetera, and I did that thing for the second time, the second time it felt slightly more real but then I'm already high energy so I'm never ever going to be doing it again, so done with it.

By the time I went to bed it was wee hours of the morning, I talked to PA and M in Germany in the meanwhile, got on the same page with so many things and lies with them, so everything's well now. Mostly.

I'd totally forgotten in the throes of hardcore partying and sleeping late that I'd be going to Colorado soon.

TJ's shopping, massive pesto, potato, tomato, cheese linner [Wed 8]

 Went to Trader Joe's for standard shopping, can't really be assed to list out the shopping list right now.

For dinner I had a massive sandwich with ciabatta, pesto, hashbrowns, tomato and cheese, it was far far too filling.

Funny that I don't have any other records of this day?

Desperate hunger, I cook mac n' cheese with fried onions and mushroom and shin noodles from scratch! [Tue 7]

 So in the evening I was really really hungry, which is funny because I did walk to TJ's or Safeway or somewhere, but whatever. I couldn't scrounge up the energy to cook anything and I'd lost all hope.

So I chose that time to make one of the more ambitious meals I've ever made.

I made roux with butter and flour and whole lotsa cheese, cooked up Shin ramyun in water without the spice packets. Air fried some mushrooms and then dropped them in the 'cheese sauce'. And then mixed the cheese sauce in the noodles. Turns out I'm really really bad with proportions for the cheese sauce, so there was like a lot lot lot of it, which meant I'd be eating the same meal for several meals. Like thrice I believe.

Fried-rice tarkari lunch, videochat with Nepal, paying for GED, cheese-naan-pesto pizza dinner [Mon 6]

For lunch I made a fried rice with whatever leftover veggies I had in the fridge and rice, obviously.

Videochatted a friend in Nepal and helped figure their sister's GED situation out, took forever for me to find out my bank account number but it was done finally, so now I have some money in my Nepali bank account.

For dinner I got super-duper lazy and since I ran out of breads so I made 'pizza' with naan and pesto and pizza and eggs. It was...alright, if someone's starving, or like not feeling well it's a pretty good deal but if they're otherwise eating well...I wouldn't eat that stuff too often.

Leftover tofu-rice, sag-tarkari dinner, I read library books [Sun 5]

 For lunch I had the leftover tofu rice I'd brought back from the Chinese restaurant at Bellevue from the night before.

Read a bunch of library books and writing on this blog probably, because I don't have any records of doing anything else. Since I'm writing this 34 days after the fact.

Belltown wakeup, nan-tarkari, setup new work laptop, drive to Mercer and Bellevue, Chinese restaurant dinner, walk at Kirkland park, with the girls [Sat 4]

 Got up at the girls' place in Belltown, bailed out early on because I wasn't feeling it.

Had naan-tarkari for lunch, and setup my new laptop. Here's the situation with new laptop (the work one). It's great or whatever, but I haven't written any personal work blog for the 35 days it's been since I set that up, which should reveal that it's been 35 days since this day that I'm writing the journal for this day. I am going to setup the journal-writing at work once again, since I'm on the journal-writing train once again.

In the evening we metup with the girls, we drove about to Mercer Island at dark too see cool things, didn't see much, then to the Chinese restaurant in Bellevue where we got some Chinese warm wine, it was nice but not as nice as the one I make. We then wen to kirkland, Ar(e) and I walked around, talked about her family, cousins etcetera, it was raining quite a bit there but it was alright. SO cold, and we still didn't find the place AR(e) meant to take us to.

Naan-tarkari lunch, hangout at Belltown [Fri 3]

 Had naan and chickpea tarkari for lunch.

In the evening we went to the girls' place, As(y) and myself and spent the time there. It was pretty chill, we laughed a lot, watched hindi movies, Ar(e) kept playing stressful movies and some Turkish show that I absolutely didn't want to watch because too stressful but she was like umm just don't watch it instead and it did kinda' grow on me but it didn't matter thank god we were done with that. Slept at wee hours of the morning at the end.

Buttered-naan chickpea-onion tarkaari, walk with the boys, expensive desserts at Marmite, hot chocolate overload [Thu 2]

 For brunch I had naan with large dollops of butter on it, plus the chickpea-onion tarkari that was overly oniony because I cut the onions rather long.

In the afternoon I met up with the boys at Seattle U park, chilled a bit, played with the doggo M and then went to the chophouse row. I'd already had brunch but Sk hadn't so he got dinner at Marmite. It was hella expensive. I got just some sort of dessert because I didn't want to be weird about three people ordering just one entree, and we ended up paying a lot of money. Like I paid sixteen bucks but he ended up paying like fifty five for what was a very mediocre dinner. Eating out in Settle is insanely expensive, going to be doing a lot less of that now.

In the evening I wanted to make some hot chocolate with whatever non-dairy milk I had, but ended up getting increasingly more aggressive, so instead of a cup of hot choco I ended up with like six cup son the pot, had to spend the following four/five days finishing it. So much chilly and salt too. I guess I did it the traditional mesoAmerican way, but it wasn't that great. I think I'm done with hot choco/cold choco for a long long while.

Fruits, rice with spinach and mixed bhatmas tarkari lunch, chhyang-making [Wed 1]

 For breakfast I had bananas and blood orange.

For lunch it was rice with bhatmas ko tarkari/mixed veggies fom TJ"s, with spinach ko tarkari I talkde about last month and so much oil, yum yum yum.

In the evening I started making another batch of chhyang, a new batch because I'd be heading out for Colorado soon enough and it'd be perfectly timed for consumption by the time I was back.

I really hope I can travel internationally later this year, ugh

This is going to be the last non-journal post for June, as I write this nine days into July. I'm going to be a lot more respectful of posting schedule, and my readers, and the art of writing. But until I get there I have to fix this mechanical issue of meeting the numbers, and numbers don't lie people, if the plan wants 90+30 posts for a 30-day month, that's what we'll have to give it.

The situation is this: I wanted to go to Nepal over the summer but that didn't happen, for one reason that the airlines prices are incredibly high. Now I want to go there in early to mid fall but that might not happen either because of well, my visa expiration, and also Dashain prices are going to be insane. And then in November/December when my status is going to be in a good place, apparently the flights are going to be as pricey as they're ever been in recent memory. Qatar airways does four flights a day to Kathmandu, they'll take it down to a single daily flight because of the World Cup, they'll apparently be taking their planes to more profitable routes. Which means Nov/Dec might not work out either. What a bummer.

I also want to be in the Netherlands and the UK, possibly Germany and the rest of Europe, mostly to see friends and family, and hopefully the tickets will be cheaper than to Nepal, but with the war and the situation in Germany with fuel prices and no fuel situation, it might all be...not great. It's sad, for the first time ever pretty much, I want to travel internationally and that's exactly when it's pretty much impossible for me to travel. Like the entire effing universe is conspiring to thwart me. Eff this.

Hurty legs

Legs hurt
Knees cry
And one wonders
Is this
Death
Beckoning?
And then
Realization.
Fearing one's demise
Is pointless
As putting
Ointment
On house flies.
Instead,
A machine that's working
Is the one
That needs oiling.
And oil I shall
My joints!
Ever onwards,
Stronger than ever!

I'm going to get my shit together, I know it

 So it's going to be over soon, folks, I've been backposting for June for some time now, and it's been a long time in July itself, but things are going to be perfect, even better because I can. feel. it. Right, In. My Bones. All by myself, against the world. With family and friends on my side. Most of them anyway. Half-ass this, and full-ass all of July. Funtimes. No reason to worry. Please let the things continue.

I'm not eating out in Seattle anymore

 The prices are absurdly expensive. The tips start at 20% and go upto 50%. And even the takeout places expect 20+% tips. Fuck. This. Shit. I can cook for myself. Or takeout from domino's. Or do something else, anything but eat out. Yeah inflation sucks balls, but this sort of service industry markup is not cool, I know people gotta live, but maan people aren't gonna eat out if you're lying in your menus outright like that. Don't care what the implications are for 'the industry at large', I'll be doing everything I can to avoid eating out from hereon. I mean it's been happening for the last two months but sounds nicer when I put it that way.

Say no to mind-altering substances

 Haven't had a proper drink in more than a month, haven't smoked to be blazed outta my mind in forever, I don't buy weed for myself and often avoid smoking even when offered because time goes by far too quickly and you forget all the fun you're having. Other drugs, actually not for me I've realized, as I discussed with my therapist, I'm already too high-energy and fun and loopy to weigh down my body with substances that will most certainly fuck me up no matter how much in-control I think I might be. So now I'm going to be mostly substance free, and hopefully back to the no-alcohol life after a year of drinking on-and-off in Seattle. This city led me to drink to get along with people and make friends. Now that circumstances have changed, that's no longer required.

Toodles.

Cousin's RV-life!

 ED's Jeep Truck was delivered a couple of weeks ago, and they've been holding their RV for several months now, which means they're doing so many one-off RV trips already. Everyime they call me, they're at a new farm, or a new RV resort, they're a thing apparently! I've been invited for a journey later this fall, but I'm quite eager to see how this progresses. She wants to take some time off of her high-powered, high-paying job to do blogging and take life a bit slower. So much fun, hope all the adventures and excitement come their way! But not too too much, they do have a young child with them after all.

Proud of some friends

 I've complained about people in this blog quite a bit in the last few days, but I'd like to appreciate people as well.

A few very near and dear friends of mine, whose initials I don't want to put here even though it's only good things about them, have really grown in emotional maturity, self awareness and generally growth into sensible adulthood over the course of the years. I will definitely not take responsibility for that, but only state that I'm glad to have been a part of their growth process and eager to see where this growth and maturity takes them, there's only amazing things ahead.

Makes me so excited, really! For everybody!

Been eating a lot of rice and bread lately

 Separately of course, I'm not a monster to make a rice sandwich with rice as the filling. It just happens that I'm either doing rice, eggs and some sort of veggie most likely potato and something else, or it's some sort of sandwich with tomato, cheese, eggs, and some sort of other proteins source. I feel like my diet back in the day, in my Boston days used to be more varied? Like I haven't had greens in a while. But on the flip side, this is most definitely the most raw tomatoes I've had, ever ever. They're so goood!

Just so we all know what's happening, end-of-month blog edition

 This is to remind myself what was happening during these times, and possibly as an explanation to the hapless reader who might come across this. What I'm trying to do is, to write a month's worth of posts in a few hours. So the goal was to write sixty posts in an hour-and-half. It's increasingly looking like 90 minutes for sixty posts was not a sustainable goal, so I'll probably need to backdate a few more posts than I originally intended, but still pretty decent right. This does not show full reverence to the act of writing, and my respect for this blog, but this does fully respect my intention of never letting the numbers fall through unless there's outrageously extraordinary circumstances.

So anyway I discovered hairless heads can be sunburnt

Because at the rate I'm losing my hair I'm looking older by the minute I've decided to keep my hair super duper short all the time. The one unfortunate downside for this is, and surely other people have come up with a problem to what should be a common problem, my head with short hair has started getting sunburnt, because I can't apply sunscreen over there. Because there's still hairs. Possibly they've got sunblocking hair cream, hopefully?

I'm so fucked: Seattle library edition

 Haven't read or returned the books I borrowed three months ago, they cancelled my membership and the weather's so hot I haven't gotten around to returning the books and re-starting the card. Such a fucked up situation, and with the hella annoying weather I don't know for sure when I can even go back in. Have to remember, go soon, go soon. This is not what responsible adults do, this is awful person behavior. The library's only be nice and kind and generous to me, and all I have shown is a lack of respect for their rules.

Seattle summer's a-killin, but at least it's not last year

 At least this summer's not going to be record-breaking, the longest day of the year has gone by without incident, and I've got a nice long fan in the bedroom to air me during my pretty slumber. It's not completely oppressive either, just very uncomfortable and sometimes disabling, but nothing that's impossible to work with. Sometimes I do prefer the cold and rainy days though. Because at least it doesn't mess up your internal temperature.

Cool new scientific journal I discovered that's totally my thing

 You know I'm into cheap stuff, innovation, and more recently into Hardware, so this journal combines all my interests into a tiny little package. HardwareX

My snap score's doing gangbusters

Since last year, I've been snapchatting quite aggressively, and now I know all the young cousins are there as well, I'm really going in for the score. And what'd you know, my score in the app has gone up by 50% which is a pathetic metric for somebody my age and station in life to brag about or even bring up or know of, but hey it's the only social media I've got and if that encourages me to keep in touch with more people more often, I'm really glad. Thanks snapgods!

I'm too into British comedy I've discovered

 Sb, cousin, teases me that I'm way wayy too much into British comedy, way more than the Brits are themselves. That might be true, considering how many podcasts, comedies, panel shows and youtube videos, plus series of taskmaster I follow and how my deepest desires is to go to Edinburgh for the Fringe festival (along with Namaste Kathmandu restaurant, but that's by the by). Sr, the UK doctor, was certainly impressed by my Brit comedy references, including Connie Haq, etc, and we had a great time discussing Peep Show references. Speaking of which, that show I definitely am wayy to obsessed with, gotta find something else to watch. Or read something really.

I should really, very much hangout with WC and other friends from college

 WC, who's my friend from college and also roommate of three years lives like 20 minutes of driving distance from me and I've met him only once last year and never gone to see him ever since. What a bummer, really I need to branch out from my Nepali group and gotta hang out with him and his pals way more often. And his sister's around too, that I know, and his fam likes me. I feel like I just wrote about tihs last week, but it's important okay, the point is that I forrreals seriously need to diversify my friend groups, that's what everybody's been telling me for the past year.

Jealousy, weird stuff and jokes that will get you pushed into the water

 So this is probably the sexiest content this blog has seen and it's not a big deal. Ar(e) and I were joking about what was happening with her and Sk and I said I was hella hurt and jealous because it seemed like he'd abandoned me on a plan HE had convinced me to join, and the next thing I know I see her location inside his house, and also the day before she'd been asking me about him, so I connected the dots. She was like, hahh he wishes, I went in there because you guys had made plans together and I figured you'd be there (meaning me) so I wanted to hang with the boys. Fair enough. What I wanted to say next was, either way, I was mas because hey hope I'm clear that I want the first dibs, but I was next to the lake and pretty sure she'd push me into the water if I said that. So that was left unsaid. Hahah.

Waters here, too choppy and cold to swim

 Last weekend we went to Magnussen park next to lake Washington to swim. Except the waters were crazy crazy choppy, the waves higher than I've ever seen at the park, the water way too cold and dirty to swim. It wasn't a lot of fun. I wish I could swim more often and fun places. We're talking about going to the Hot Springs at Mt Olympic NP once again, but like I said before, we're planning poorly for that, so it's unlikely to happen anyway. Just like our plan to drive down to SD, which I imagine won't happen either.

I got cheated out of a sensor by a stupid Ebay seller

 So just to be clear, I'm the stupid one and not they ebay seller, they made off handsomely with my money and without sending me anything. They sent me a private message requesting me to ignore the ebay timelines and delivery dates because he had a backchannel and everything would be fine, but the sensor never arrived and when I told them that, they just said that, nope it totally came I just didn't find it and I shouldn't make a big issue out of it.

I'm seriously considering either buying the sensor again and taking the L. Or maybe I should report the seller? Or perhaps I should just buy an expensive for realsies real product and not just the raw sensor? Ugh I hate being in this situaiton.

I started doing something small for my 'rituals' thing

 Y'all know how I've been saying all this time that I want to get serious about discipline and getting my shit together yadda yadda yadda. I read this nice long article in psyche magazine about rituals and reverence -- the inspiration behind me deciding I wouldn't make a big deal about not writing here because it wasn't reverent to the process -- and now I'm doing a couple of small things to bring change. Like, no phone in the toilet, ever ever. Even if I take it and use it, I remember immediately and put it away. Or like a small worship early in the morning. Right after brushing. Which means I have to brush the first thing in the morning. Or no laptop on the lap while at work table. I thought maybe no laptop in the bedroom too, but I'm breaking that rule currently to write all these posts. Will go back to normalcy though.

I need to ask for a big fking raise at work

 I've definitely written about this, I can vaguely remember it but also it's been in my mind for a long while now. Even though I don't do the janitorial level 'coding' work, I've been organizing a lot of meetings, doing documents and presentation at a very high level, way beyond what my paygrade asks for, which means I need to ask for a big fat raise. It's terrible in this economic climate I know, specially when half the time I'm in fear of being laid-off but with the inflation and the lack of proper raise I've received pretty much...ever, I think I deserve a healthy 15% raise because the sort of people who're doing what I do make twice as much base, plus bonuses plus stocks. None of that for me. Agh.

The professional development courses are not happening right now

 I was planning on taking grad-level courses to upgrade my career, but looks like they ain't happening. By manager has had terrible things (probably) happen to him and his family, and he has been gone for a few weeks now, something he never ever ever does, or has done before. This is really not great at all and I feel terrible for him, hopefully he's well and I'll do everything to support him.

But that also means that he wasn't there to signoff on the classes I wanted to take starting earlier this week, which means my professional training has been delayed by yet another session. Big fking bummer for me, for sure.

For some weird reason I want to travel to Lisbon

 Here's what I'd do, stay there at a hostel for a couple of days, see what there's to explore, potentially even work while there, see the museums, eat good food, look at the architecture, look at the women, hopefully meet people, and make friends. And then if I liked it enough, extend the stay, if not, move on to the next city. That's the dream. It ain't happening because of visa and money issues, see the previous post.

I've thought about this wayyy more than I should, in recent days.

One last note on the insane ticket prices

 So I've written several posts about, or alluded to, the insane ticket prices for domestic and international airline prices. Turns out they're outta' the world just for the summer, and they get you know, almost normal later in the Fall. Right when my goddamn visa runs out and I can't go anywhere. I want to go to Nepal and so many other places, when the tickets are cheaper, but I can't. Because of the visa. So $$$->yes-visa, $->no-visa. Sucks sucks, like the universe doesn't want me traveling.

Another one bites 'the dust' aka gets married

 Friend B, at whose place I crashed and paid money for in NH after the fiasco of staying alone, and who kinda' rescued me from loneliness, is getting married this weekend on the 4th I'm told to his girlfriend of several years with whom he was in a long-distance relationship with, him in Chicago her in Texas. May they have a very happy, fruitful rewarding and outrageous wedding and lovely life ahead of them.

So yet another one of the boys is now gone, and now we are even fewer. With everything else happening around, yes yes that makes me a bit worried about myself, thank you very much.

I hear gunshots in my neighborhood, and the police responding to them, and that's okay

 Every so often during the evenings I'll hear a few bangs, hoping they're fireworks but almost always they're gunshots. On most occasions they're fired by deranged people, not particularly well aimed and nobody hurts. And then I hear the very loud police sirens pass by my apartment, on to the location to sort the situation out. It's okay, they're not random acts of violence I know that, and if this is the price for living in a hip neighborhood on a pretty great city, the tradeoff is worth making for me right now.

For short shorts for the summer, briefs are the best

 I'm usually a boxer briefs guy, but I also enjoy wearing short shorts in the summer and showing my legs cos' yo I bin' workin on the quads alright? But with the current set of underpants, the shorts are often shorter than the underclothes, and they show, ugh. I need to buy lotta briefs, if only to wear underneath short shorts in the summers.

Fermentation projects have paused

 Ever since I came back from Colorado, things haven't been alright alright, completely, I haven't had the energy or motivation to pick up on the various fermentation projects I setup and had going. The rice wine is in the fridge but unextracted. I haven't filtered the milk kefir for weeks and weeks, almost a month now. The only situation is, I have been drinking and actively enjoying the water kefir, extra sugar not added. Actually I'm quite happy how that's gone. Oh and I bought a gallon of kimchi from H Mart so there's going to be lotta probiotics with rice to look forward to yet again!

Womp Womp July 4th

So I'm writing this on the last day of June and AR(e) and AKS(y) and I were talking about our july 4th pplans and it's looking like we won't be doing anything good or fun for the long weekend. Mostly because we're all lazy bums, Sk is going on his own camping trip with College friends, and we made the plans at the very last moment so all the camping spots and rental car reservations are taken up. Big bummer, but it's not like we did anything amazing or extraordinary the last time around either. I think. I don't remember. Maybe we did. Oh well, I'd have to look back at the archives of this blog. Maan, what a great thing I've got this blog goin' for me.

Final Colorado note: My dad's aunt's restaurants

 I know this is neither here nor there, but I'm writing this so that when I search for something interesting later, it shows up. My dad's aunt's family owns a couple of restaurants around town in Denver, and Boulder possibly. It's possibly they might do the same at Estes city too. Dunno. If I am ever in Colorado and need a job or support or something to do, I can reach out to them. Maybe they'll let me manage a restaurant, and maybe my fate is to end up running a bunch of family restaurants around the rockies. That'll be one hell of a shocking 'thing' to reset my current existence, that's for sure!

Final fun Colorado event: downtown hang with VS

 Friend VS, who I spent about half-a-day in Denver Downtown reminded me yet again that he's friends with me not just because we used to hang out once and we're both Nepalis, but because he genuinely appreciates my presence and that's yeah one big fucking compliment. He's a pretty fun interesting dude, somebody rare who's actively aware of who they are and makes a point to explore their interests etcetera. Fun observations, he wants his next partner to be a yogini lol the Boulder's gotten into him, he's getting into music industry and has a show in Boulder soon, and he thinks there's way too many newcomers in the city who don't get its vibes. Also he might move to Denver -- I hope not -- but is unsure. He's one of the more unique people I know, and I appreciate his presence everytime we get to hang. We've hung out in Boston, NH, Seattle and now Denver. Soon it's gonna be Boulder as well. Funtimes!

Colorado: Some other random notes

 Some other random notes from the Colorado trip because I don't know where they can go otherwise.

Our youngest adult cousin listens to wayy too much rap that's like really violent and aggressive, the sort I don't like at all, and since he was driving us all around, that was all I had to listen to as well. It was not too great, but the good/ bad part was I don't understand the lyrics of them, so I never really noticed how awful they were.

We took our UK cousin to so many US fast food establishments. We tried to get him to speak in English English with randoes and impress them, but he seemed very shy about that. We watched many horror movies and as such. Our youngest girl cousin isn't ready to get too high, we discovered.

I gave the boys fifty bucks each as their bartaman gift because I didn't know what else to do.

I had such an amazing time, I'd very much want to go there again, and be invited again. Even though they're not directly related to me, I want to hang with that part of the super-extended family, and have another place to go during the holidays. Texas, Colorado, where's next, this is fun. Am I getting old, familial and perhaps a tad too 'conservative'? Time will tell!

Colorado trip: the event

 The bartaman was incredible, all the neighbors and friends helped the aunt setup the house and food and catering and boarding and everything else. The five of us cousins slept in the same room for 10 days and it looked like a refugee camp by the end. There were about 20 people sleeping in the house at the same time, for several days, like back in the day in Nepal and yeah it was one.fucking.big.sleepover.party. I don't miss too many things about Nepal but this was one I did sorely miss.

The event itself was nice, the food was great. We did two / three dance performances there, Swb trained us on our dance routine the day before, I didn't get enough practice or didn't treat it seriously I can never tell which is which which is why I was lagging behind by a quarter of a second since I was following everybody else's dancing. I got to tease our doctor cousin from UK a lot, but he couldn't take the heat with the girls tryina eye him and revealed his cards way too early. I gave him shit for that. So. Much. Fun. For me. Hopefully them too.

Colorado trip: The clubbing

 We went clubbing, the five of us cousins in downtown Denver, it was a club called The Church. We got the tickets, waited for the train that never came, then said fuckit and took an uber. It was like 20 bucks to get there but 90 bucks to get back at 1.30 in the morning. We bought weed, and mixed drinks at a liquor store before, pregamed, went to that place where you play bowling and other games, the one they have in Boston too, and then went clubbing. The bouncers didn't let me take the joints in, I hid them outside an apartment nearby and told everybody about it, to pick up after we got out, but everybody forgot about it so it was lost.

All the pretty girls kept tryina dance and mack about with our youngest girl cousin (21). I made 'real connection' with a buncha people who did acknowledge it and talked about it after. We danced a lot and it was so much fun. I definitely don't ever want to be the oldest person in a family group that goes to a club, hopefully ever again.

Colorado trip: The Rockies

 So we drove up Rocky Mountain National park, up to the snow-capped peaks, super cold and super snowy even in late June, and man, they were no different from the Alps or matterhorn or whatever, they're forreals legit. And then we hiked one for like 30 minutes, it was so cold and windy and hard-to-breathe, I thought I was actually mountaineering. We hiked by the colorado river on a separate occasion, and that was wild too, did you know that's like the biggest river in this country, or something. It looked real deep and scary.

Life in the Rockies and in Colorado is quite different from elsewhere if you really get into it, and I hope to be able to explore it at length when I've got the chance.

The recent Colorado vacation: high level summary

 Because I'm doing a fucktonne of these quick posts and need material for other ones, I'll give the summary in this one, the sort I tell people about, and go into the details in the individual posts.

I was in Colorado for nine days at my cousin's cousin's place. It was one heckuva time. We went to Rocky Mountain National park thrice, Estes Park once, we went to a secluded airbnb with the cousins (five of us, four from the US, one from the UK) and got high. We attended the two cousins' bartaman, which felt a lot more like a wedding the way it was organized. We went clubbing with the cousins, so much fun. Also I met VS and we walked out and about in Downtown Denver. We had tibetan momo in Boulder. I'm seriously considering moving to Boulder. Everybody loves my cousin's aunt. There's so many well-off super duper helpful Nepalis around that area, way more than I thought there would be!

I need a reset in life

 I realize I just recently had an Amazing Colorado pretty-much vacation, and before that East coast vacation, and Nepal before that, yadda yadda yadda, but I don't know, the work-home-friends cycle's getting tiring, I'm not doing anything new or inspirational in my life, there's nothing super duper exciting to look forward too and days are becoming a drudge. Honestly if things were in my control I'd be setting up a big reset right about now, taking a long while off of work, going to a remote place and exploring weird things etcetera. Unfortunately that's not on the cards for the immediate future, but really really pretty please ye gods can I have a nice (positive) reset in life right now already?

A Seattle reset perhaps?

 I'll write in the next post about how I've been needing a reset in life for a long time but don't/won't get an opportunity because I'm basically trapped in my current job in this country because of political reasons. But here's something I'm thinking, maybe I need to change the way I've been doing things and reset my social and otherwise life because it's not going in the direction I hoped it would. I need to take life by the balls and their brains will follow, seriously. I need to live it way more in my terms, and extract from it what I want than just going with the flow and having it done to me, pun intended.

I miss Nepal at the stupidest of times

 This is a sentence you thought you'd never hear from me. Neither did I. I miss Nepal. I want to go to there. And this is the most fucked up thing ever because never ever in my life have I felt that way before, and I thought it'd never happen. I know what's up though, because of the prohibitively expensive ticket prices, and my visa situation, it is literally impossible for me to go there right now without fucking my life up royally, which means of course I miss the goddamn country, want to go there for the mangoes and the roadside aap and the girls and all the fun things I did there and wanna do there. Shit's fucked up, brain.

I sorted the Seattle library fuckedupness

This'll be a short one. It's the first week of July, and I finally talked to the Librarian about how I never get any notification of a pending due date or any pending dates at all, only actions. So I know when I'm a week overdue, or I know three days after my card is suspended, but never before. They were super sorry about that, and told me to reach out to the library IT folks to help me fix it, apparently they've never seen it before, and even logged into my account to see if they could do anything but there was nothing to be done. So I guess I gotta file a bug with the library folks. At least somebody is aware of it.

I should learn confrontation better

 One of the reasons anger takes such a large toll on me (see: previous post) is that I fear confrontation, I fear the consequences, I fear that I may be going into one poorly prepared, I fear I may come out of it much worse than I went in, and it always feels that they're not really necessary even though quite often in the long term the outcomes are not bad and the most suffering happens when actually avoiding them. I've tried so hard over the course of years to get better with them, radical honesty and acceptance being one of them. But it doesn't work with all kinds of people. Gotta keep getting better at it.

Being angry is tiring and awful and I hate it so goddamn much

 Over the last weekend I was very very angry and some very near and dear ones for very disappointing and annoying and irritating things. It sucked to be angry, I hate it so much, I couldn't sleep the whole goddamn night because of it. It saps away all my energy. But what can you do when your major life decisions are made to look incredibly awful by very poorly thought decisions by people you know and care about. And I may be accidentally punishing people I don't mean to, I gotta fix that too.

I need to stop getting sunburnt or sunsick

 I went on a couple of hours of walk today, it could have been a daily record for steps taken during the course of the day if I surrendered on this blog and just walked more, but forget about that for a moment. What I was about to say is, we did that without sunscreen or any protection, and the sun was out seriously which means parts of my body hurt a lot, and also I feel super duper tired and low in energy. Something similar happened in Colorado during the recent trip that ended like ten days ago, the sun really saps my energy, I need immediate naps after coming back. Something to fix that would be preferable, the internet knows answers, haven't looked 'em up though.

Here's my plan for writing a month's worth of posts in one goddamn day

 I'll write sixty posts in the next two hours, technically within this month so I don't have to face the 'oh noes I'm backdating the posts again', situation. They'll be quick and not very substantial like this one. And then the remaining thirty ones I'll write tomorrow, because they'll all be journal posts, which I can look up  from my photos and jot quickly. It's painful and against all the principles I've espoused, but I ain't giving up on the numbers son. My shitty attitude is not going to get in the way of my pride. This month WILL look respectable in retrospect!

Seaward park

 So I went to Seaward park with AR(e) like a month ago, should have posted it then but you know life got in the way. It's in a sketchy neighborhood but man is the walk really pleasant, and the Lake Washington plus the forest, plus the walkway, plus other bikers and walkers make it a very pleasant walk. If it weren't so goddamn faraway from me -- twenty-five driving minutes from my place, I'd be going there a lot more often.

New laptop activated!

 Soo this was supposed to go out like three weeks ago, it didn't because as smart readers of this blog will note, I kinda' gave up on writing on this blog in the month of June because first, I was covering up for the month of May, and then I went on a vacation, and then I realized I wasn't taking it seriously enough, therefore went on a temporary hiatus. But now that I'll be forcing myself to get this out, no matter how half-assed, here's some updates.

I updated my work laptop, I ordered the new M1 machine many months ago and never got around to actually setting it up and using it. So now, on the second week of June, I set it up and got running, and since then not a word has been written in the super secret private blog, or this blog. Actually that new machine was a disruption for all my writing activities, bit of a bummer that one...

Gotta get in touch with the Seattle community

 When I came to Seattle last year I really wanted to Volunteer, be involved with local organization in various capacities, make local friends, and be a part of Seattle social community fabric. I did very little of that, instead of being one of those people who float on the clouds above the cities, unaffected, uncaring as to what happens to them. Exactly the sort of person I criticized here. Pity. Now that my friendship options are limiting themselves mostly due to my near and dear ones moving away due to lover reasons or visa reasons and the remaining ones are like not so great with things I feel passionate about, I should get back to connecting with the community. Help out the parks, teach the kids, yoga at the church, all that shizz.

Must remember: live life in the moment, don't fret about the future

 A couple of factors coincided to freak me out and give me a minor panic attack earlier today. The first is the whole bullshit situation I've been dealing with in recent weeks on which I've written thousands of words. That's already making me question why I'm in Seattle to begin with, and how I'm in the exact place in life I was a year and half ago, except different place geographically. Second, friends and family have been doing quite well, Sb's visa situation worked out quite well today, other cousins are dating seriously and about to get married etcetera, close friends have bought houses, folks are looking into vacation homes etcetera. So I was worried about my past as well as my future, and wondering what the fuck I was doing, and where I was going to in life and ohh what a terrible series of decisions I've made in life. Plus I stopped doing that one goddamn thing I was doing on the reg, the writing. It was too much, all of that at the same time in my tiny stupid mind. It had to be let out so I gave a couple of loud frustrated screams, the regularity of which has been increasing in recent weeks unfortunately. Fortunately for me, the neighbors are never around during the day so they don't complain.

And then I reminded myself. Don't worry. About the past. Or the future. There lies dragons. Chill. Relax. Stop living outside your head. Live. In. The.Moment.

Live. In. The. Moment.

It's not about where you go, it's how you get there. The journey is the destination. There's no place we're rushing to get to. Savor each moment as it comes. Live. Love. Laugh. And if you gotta puke at meaningless phrases, go to the toilet please, the kithchen sink's gonna get clogged up also it'll stink up the entire place thank you very much.

My bullshit plan to write a poetry collection remains that: bullshit

 So when I was in Colorado, I came up with an idea. Or was it when I was writing on this blog one of those days? Who cares, either way it's a great idea and if I could properly execute it I'd be one of the leading poets of the Valley not joking and everybody would love me and respect me and give me the goddamn respect my parents have always thought that I deserved. But like it's so hard, and I'm a lazy bum and writing dozens and DOZENS of poems, on a general theme seems hard, specially for somebody like me.

The idea is this: write a poem (or various poems) about very specific places in Kathmandu, painting a portrait of the city through those various places and my experience in them. Like you know, the handholdings, makeouts, chillouts, moviewatching, drinkings, latenight work etcetera. I think it'd give outsiders a much better look into what the city's like.

But like can I ever? FIFTY poems. Or a HUNDRED, is a lot. On one topic. And I dunno if I've been to that many places to begin with. Plus my life in Kathmandu's been boring generally speaking. Hmm maybe I should go there and make it more interesting. Then maybe I can write that poetry anthology. Maybe. Maybe.

Man, I'd like to be a talented human being appreciated by other people in ONE GODDAMN field!

You have to give up the unpleasantness to live a pleasant life

 This is an unpleasant matter to write about. I hate confrontations. I don't enjoy writing about them. I'm a relationship-former, not a heartbreaker. Letting go of people isn't great, you've invested so much time, emotions, made such strong bonds over the years and decades, ending that means you have to start from scratch and you have nothing to show but heartwounds and even then they're not really 'visible', they're like more of a metaphorical concept you moan about in poetry, not something people can see clearly and feel bad for you. Maybe I could get talking to girls that way hmmm... But I'm getting distracted here, maybe that was the intention to never come back to the point at hand...

Here's the thing. People close to me have terrible, awful, not-great, not-acceptable, bad, not-nice, unhealthy, impolite, emotionally stunted attitude towards women, and then appear to be gravitating towards other persons who have similar views and attitudes and as much as it pains me to say this, it can't go on forever. Either they change or I change my relationship with them. Since I'm a nobody, and they're unlikely to change their deep-seated and closely-held views, it's the relationships that'll have to wither away. Which I guess is fine, if I want a pleasant life I do have to let go of the unpleasantness. Still it's a pity when you have to force things to end this way.

Wish there were better way to handle things, or I was better at handling confrontations.

Maybe I'm messed up because I don't background music my life

Here's a proposal why my life is not as great as it should be. Maybe it sounds ridiculous (it's a pun, 'sounds') maybe not, hear me through this.

People listen to music. Like, all the time. They fuckin' background-music their entire lives. I don't. I'm either listening to podcasts or watching tv shows or listening to tv shows. All of that needs attention. And doesn't really modify mood like good music. So what if...all my laziness, lack of motivation, and general malaise was caused by the lack of music in my life, and by listening to lots more music, all my problems will automatically solve themselves? Maybe not automatically, but surely one gets the gist of it.

I got this app that plays music from youtube in the background, I'm going to test my theory. Ye gods, assholes of the skies, please let this one stupid hypothesis be true!

Single single, so ready to mingle, yet not a person around

 This is less about me, than other people, because I've written about my uhhh my situation in great detail over the last several months and years, painfully so, does it not hurt to be a reader of this terrible miserable blog you sad pathetic sods?

Anyway so I hear several friends-of-friends in a faraway city (NYC lmao) have recently become single, and there's not a lot of interest from the sort of people they'd be interested in turn. Which is the whole bigfucking issue with life right, the people you like, they don't like you and the circles goes on and on and on. No worries though, I may be cooking up schemes to help people find each other in a mutually-compatible manner, and get good things going. Or not, maybe they'll turn out terribly, who knows, at least people will have given a fair shot at finding love, and that's what matters the most. Right?

Right?

Why's nobody answering me!?!

Halkaa attiney belaa bho, once more

 So I was talking to a very near and dear friend of mine recently, several of them really, across various contexts, and for my age group, for people with similar aspirations as ours, it's turning out that we uhhh maybe should try to get our ducks in row faster if we intend to get anywhere good and stable in the foreseeable future. Because yeah living however the fuck your heart desires is an option obviously but that's not somewhere I'd like to be because I've seen what it looks like and while I respect people's choices to live their lives without hurting anybody else, first quite often people who are so 'independent minded' aren't not-hurting people at all, they're just unaware assholes, and second, nopeee nopee nopee, I don't want to be anywhere near that uhhh community anymore. Done done done with that. It's a cultural shock for me, the bullshit that happens with friends in Seattle (is it Seattle that turned them this way? Is it the bad community? Did they move to seattle because their not-nice behavior would be more acceptable here?). Gotta get to the grind, the more boring life.

Either I overestimate myself, or I'm lazy with the writing

 So I borrowed this book, a collection of stories themed around 'kink' on the first week of july, yes some of these posts are backdated by a week. The journals by a month, at this point, lol. And some of the stories ooof so bad, I had to check and wonder if the writers were...like...awake while writing. The characters are flat and annoying, there's basically no conflict, you hate everybody and it's a slog to read through. Also there's no...sexytimes, as promised, not a hint of the kink, unless you count boring unpassionate painful, unclear description of sex, as being kinky?

And I'm thinking to myself, maaan I could outdo that. Which can mean two things. Either I really overestimate myself, which is, to be fair, the likely option. Or, that maybe I CAN write all of the shit I claim to be able to, and just don't 'apply' myself and never put myself out there. Which is, like, I don't know, how is that any better than lacking in talent? Worse in some ways I'd say even.

Such bullshit.

Don't invite people to dinner

Do not,

Says the Hafiz

Of these lands

Invite

Guests for dinner

With no intention

To cook

Or serve

And then

Be busy

Playing chess

With your brother.

Or perhaps

The whole thing

Was a big

Chess move?

Perhaps I'm gifted

Perhaps.

I'm gifted

With the gift

Of poetry

And I

Just use it

For all the

Wrong

Uses

Without

Realising

My gift?

The office trivia

Q: Which character from The Office wouldn't fart on butterflies?

A: Pam.

Q: Which character most definitely will fart on butterflies?

A: Meredith.

We doin' this?

Yea we doin'this son

Without it, it ain't fun

None

So let's get this shit out

You know what I'm

Talkin' about?

It's gonna be wild

Get ready for the ride!

And now they tell me flights around SEA (not Seattle) are cheap as HELL?

 So I'm told by people I know in the region that local airlines flights around Ph, Sg, Vietnam, Indonesia etcetera are like the cheapest they've ever been in recent memory because the governments are still unclear about their entry regulations and requirements and the tourism hasn't fully made it back yet. Which sucks for me seriously because now is the time I'd want to go visit there and have fun but nooo that's not going to work because ugh getting there is unbelievably pricey, the most expensive that I've known it to be. Which means generally speaking the Universe doesn't want me to be travellin' around that area. I'm like whatever, bitch. You do you. Unless it bothers me in some way. In which case what the hellll, can you do it better? So that's my official position on the matter. What. The. Hell.

A very personal admission or re-admission

 For a while, for reasons unknown/unclear to me, real or not, I joked the reason I was single was that I could not talk to women. I don't think it was strictly true, but there was certainly insecurities around that which I perhaps leveraged into a joke. That's not true anymore, hasn't been true for a while but recently it's the opposite of true. It's just the I'm suffering due to feeder pipeline issues, plus the supply-demand issue of guys like me at a place where women are rare and guys with my exact demographics are a dozen a dime. It's unfortunate that this, of all places, is where I decided to come, free from any other restraints, but here we are. Pity pity. Where does one go from here? Besides Boulder, obviously, but that's the last option.

Best kefir batch evaa

 So y'all remember how I've been struggling with my kefir batches because the first two or three ones had been incredible and then there was something off and everything went off the rockers. Well I discovered that fermenting it airtight makes it way more smooth and thick and the separation doesn't happen plus the graininess goes away. The only annoying thing now is (and this bothers me a lot), that my grains haven't really grown, I don't know which the grains are and where they're at. I just keep a bunch of left solid and use that as the starter for the next batch. Maybe I should be doing a few more batches with the bubbler and the whey protein powder.

Still, this batch has been the best batch in a very long while and I'm so excited about that. I finally freakin' figured it out. Now if only I can channel this excitement and energy to clean the living room and the kitchen I'd be pretty pleased.

Overboozed undervinegared Kombucha

 Compared to my Boston batches, the Kombucha I've been making here have been way more alchoholic and way less vinegary. Which is fine if you like to get drunk, but not as much if you enjoy the tangy taste of kombucha. Secondary fermentation is still a faraway plan, and I haven't even bothered with fruit syrups. I had a cup or two of the boocha earlier today and man I'm still not feelin' straight, yaammin?

Fermentation restart

 It was only yesterday (and technically back-datewise, today) when I wrote that I hadn't been doing my fermentation projects in a while. Well that changed earlier today and I just started a new batch of kombucha, two different batches of milk kefir (one starter that I'd saved in the fridge for a while and another that was my 'to-go' starter) and two batches of water kefir. With water kefir, one batch involved adding sugar-water to existing kefir with few (if any grains) and the shitty powdered sugar that I had left. It might turn out to be awful, which is why I put the bubbler on it. The other one is regular sugar with regular water grains, but no bubbler. Might take some time, but whatever. Still have a few empty jars left, gotta figure out what to do with those. At least this time around I've labeled the dates, and the 'plan' with the batches, so I can have some sort of control. Should probably remove the powdered flour from the sugar mixture at some point.

A conversation you don't want to end up overhearing any part of

"What do you mean, if a baby's head can pass through it, my fingers will most definitely not screw it up".

Turns out they were talking about stretching a child's t-shirt.

Maaan I love Seattle

Because duuuuude look at this, a goddamn legitimate thick forest with birds and trees and proper tree cover just 20 minutes from my very happening 'downtown' Seattle apartment. It's just too good, never appreciated a place this much before.

How long will it take me to get back in my routine?

If there's one thing I need to learn more than to get into a daily routine is to get back into one after some time of disruption. I went on a 10-day trip to Colorado, it's been eight days since return and I have not yet gotten back to the regular routine of sorts that I had. It's a pity. Also I know I'm supposed to give full reverence to writing and it'll defo not happen if I write a months worth of posts in three days but boyyyy does this boy so wants to do that!

Started with EAP yet again

started seeing Dr S once again, the gentleman from EAP because talking to him was a ritual that apparently had outsize effect on my life, something I had not appreciated.

Seattle weather rambles

As a whole I don't mind Seattle too much, save for the winter but then I'm never around during the coldest months. Days aren't too hot, nor are they too cold, they never get too sunny, and the trees love the moisture. Tropical thunderstorm is rare, the mild rain is often pleasurable to walk during. It rains often, which in my book is a plus.

Clears up the air. Just of pollutants, unfortunately. Wish there were rain to clear up confusion and other strong emotions.

Sometimes things are shit. For me, the rain fixes that too.

It works out.

Law of the land law of man

When does the law of the man become the law of the land? What's one to do when the law of the land sets no boundaries but laws of men do?

Back in the oldens days the village headmen enforced the rules. If you didn't follow them, you left the village. Time has come such that, in enforcing the laws of men (and not that of the land) one must threaten to leave the village if the spirit of the law is not followed.

Still progress though.

Shit poem

Some shit poem this is

I think, as I write

The first line of this poem

Laying down on my bed

On the floor thinking

Where does the poet

Get the poem from

That tap of mystical mystery

Because

Man, I tell ya

I must have tapped

The septic tap!

A snake and skin

One wonders, the skin a snake can change, but can a snake ever change its true nature? And what exactly does it take to bring about that change? Can one trust a pious snake?

Things to ponder upon.

out of control

esta muji jaatha bhayechan sathi haru laaj saram self consciousness bhanne kei chhaina baahra barse budhi, unnaaiss Huda ni tei ektis hudaa ni teii, tetro twalla Parera basda ta chalnu parne haina dimaakh sudhdhhi kei nabhaaka. afulai gaaro esta ko bhar ma naya thaum aiiyecha heraa haribijog

What an overdramatic bitch and why nice people aren't always nice everything

This was triggered by the most recent....uhhhh...turn of events,  but I thought about it recently and ugh it hurt.

So SS gave me two very very bad advices. Because I respected him so much I internalised them. And like really really internalised them. Both the pieces undermined my agency as a human being basically.

Turns out he's real shit at giving advice and he's known it forever, I called him as I wrote this and we talked it out.

Jeezus fucking Christ how many bad mistakes and misunderstandings will I have to unwind.

A text I just sent

Bro so it's possible, and on the horizon (30%), that I might move to Boulder before your Nov performance there LOL, u might have to help find me a place!

Uncertain immediate future

As an insecure child one imagined everybody conspiring against oneself. As an adult it's a terrible discovery that conspiracies against one CAN be real. How does one remain at peace and hold steadfast at times like these? Rough rough.

I dunno what's gonna happen to this blog, lotsa shitty discoveries happening.

Denver is a fine city

 I was in a suburb of Denver for the past ten days. We (with cousins, and friend VS) visited downtown Denver on several occasions. And later (as in, yesterday, a day after getting back from Denver) I talked to friend GF about the town.

And we all agreed, Denver is a fine city. The architecture of old houses is so cute, reminds one of older classier Nepali houses. The Cheeseman park area is awesome. There's some bars and restaurants. And...thats' it.

It's not a transit-friendly place. Not a particularly walkable city either. There's not too many great museums to talk of. There's not much nature 'in' the proper city itself. I would consider it a 2nd-tier or 3rd tier city, if one were to use a comparison standard from China.

If one were to move to Denver, and it's unclear why one would do that, a personal vehicle is a must. And the cheeseman park area would probably be one of the better neighborhoods to live in. It's a giant sprawling mess with not very good nightlife, alright food, maybe has culture(?) who knows, and uhh that's it. It's a pretty decent Southern city (I know, it's not in the South, but the architecture suggests otherwise) which happens to be nearby the mountains where it snows a lot. Also it was incredibly not when I was there, that may have taken several points off my rating.

Maybe if I go there again, in a different season, I might re-evaluate. That seems questionable.

One thing that was new, and kind of exciting for me, was how many Nepalis there are, and how they're all doing pretty well. My dad's aunt's family happens to run several Nepali restaurants in the area, I'm told.

Chores, rituals, and reorienting my grand experiment

 This grand experiment of mine began three years ago when out of nowhere I decided I needed to write a lot. A lot more than I was. And kept on writing. And writing. Eventually it became, if I may say so, a 'habit', and then it became a chore, kind of. I wasn't writing because it was a habit, but I'd feel gross if I didn't.

Which should have been great, on paper.

The original approach I meant to take was to do it so often, it would become a part of my everyday life, like brushing, or coffee after waking up. And it kind of did. But writing is not showering or drinking coffee, it demands a certain level of attention and creativity. Which I mostly didn't have time for. So I figured I'd 'fake it till I made it'. I kept on writing, even when uninspired and bored or tired. And specially on those occasions when I wouldn't write something for weeks and suddenly a deluge of posts here.

Faking it until ones makes it is fine, whatever, if one is truly 'faking' it. To fake being a writer, or somebody interested in the craft of writing, is to put at least some effort into the output. To care about the audience, to worry about the content. Not in a manner that's debilitating, no, but to respect the process and the craft.

I was definitely not doing that, haven't been respecting the process. On every occasion I get, I've complained about how behind everything I am, how this sucks, how I'm half-assing it, and how I hope eventually I hope to like it, because it feels awful. That's not respecting the process. That's not 'faking' anything, it's just putting words on the screen because I made a terrible habit and couldn't get out of it.

I've been reading about rituals and how they're important. I've read about what makes a good ritual. This blog has talked about rituals in the past, but I've been unclear myself on what they mean and how they're different from chores or habits.

Here's what I think now. To make writing a ritual, I have to respect the process and the craft. I cannot be like, blah whatever, I don't care, I'll just shit some words and be done with it. I have to treat it with a certain level of seriousness. Have to internalize that I'm not doing this for no reason, that there's a goal, and there are steps towards reaching that goal, and this blog is a part of it. And I need to do it more regularly, while still being flexible. The way I started, originally was, I was writing a sentence or two in the morning and in the evening, every day, if something more came up that was welcome, but writing got done either way. The way I'm doing right now is, I don't think about writing at all for weeks, and then freak out and write tens of thousands of words every day. Basically disrupting my life in this drought-and-flood scenario. It's not healthy, it's not respectful of the craft, and it's not going to be helpful to the process of improving my writing skills.

So here's what I'm doing to re-orient myself. I plan on making the writing on this blog a ritual. Not a terrible habit. I need to learn to respect the process, give it some thought. Which doesn't mean the writing will get better necessarily, but that I'll be more present, and do it more regularly. I'll acknowledge that this is something that matters to me, and a disruption in the process is something I'll try to avoid.

I don't know for sure what the implications are for the posting. Maybe things will go on as usual, and it won't matter. Maybe I'll pause for several weeks. Or months. Possibly years. It's all up in the air. What I do know is that at the other end of this process, I hope to come out more humble, reverent, and respectful of the act of writing, and posting on this blog. There may be no readers out there, I may not be a great writer, but by gods I'm going to give this some serious effort. As far as I can. Which will be, again, not great, but that's okay. As long as I'm treating it seriously, that's good.

On vacation

Vacationing with a decent sized gang of extended family and cousins in Colorado, posting on this site may take a bit of a hit. Or maybe not. Dunno I might get motivated LMAO

I keep making complex foods when I'm the least motivated

 I've written about this in great detail in recent days because it's a bit of a surprise and novelty for me. The combination of low motivation combined with an abundance of time and not too much groceries has led me to make a bunch of food things from scratch. And on one hand, low motivation, and on the other, I'm making like really relatively complex foods. It's weird, great though. Not super duper healthy, I've gained a few pounds in the last few weeks thanks to the knee and lack of proper workout or walk, but ugh yeah I've been eating well.

Anyway the other day I made mac n cheese from scratch and here's the real deal: I had vastly overestimated the importance of proper recipes and the difficulty of making nice dishes from scratch. I had flour butter noodles and cheese, and the end of the night saw me making and eating homemade mac n cheese. It was quite an achievement, I'm proud thank you very much!

Should I take acting classes and dance classes? Maybe? Possibly?

I want to take acting classes, and maybe dance classes too. Sk and I were going to take dance classes last year except he abandoned us and started dating the dance instructor instead and got private lessons, yes I'm very bitter about that because I based my summer plans around the dance classes okay? And even if the acting courses don't go anywhere, it's good as a self-reflection therapeutic activity. I'm so bad at it for sure, and dunno if there's any interest there at all besides the luck that I've gotten in the past by being assigned as an actor by directors in the past, but maybe this'll be my big break, I could move too hollywood and live my secret dream of making it big in the industry while still doing the big bad boring job as the fulltime job??

If and when the fuckin knee is mended. Godd I'm pissed.

Re-iteration: drink only the booze you brew

 Here's a thought i've put out in this blog for a few times by now. What if you (and by you I mean you, but also gotta be a consideration for you) got drunk only by booze that you brewed yourself. That way you know what's in the stuff, your budget is controlled, and because your drunkenness is then dependent on your own motivation, you can't be down and out and drunk. You're either motivated generally speaking and can get drunk at times, or not at all because that does need a couple of hours of work over a couple of weeks. Plus if you want it to be nice and tasty and not give you a bad hangover you'll need to put in even more effort, particularly with flavoring and aging and other flocculants, honh honh honh, that's a real word, so you know, it'll be nice and sweet and all healthy. It'll be classy people drinking and boozing around, and potentially making a business or a hobby out of it, and not you know out of control winos. Am I being racist or idk discriminatory of people's ailments? Possibly? Maan these days... DOT DOT DOT

Nepali maa jeppaitei gaff hanne kinabhane hyaa nepalima nalekhya dher bho

Nepalimaa nalekhya dherbho, huna ta nepalimaa type garna ni aunna ani raomanized nepali alik jeppaitei bhayo, nepali ko artha anartha huncha testo garda tesaile romanized devanagari (de-va-nagaaari hoina, nepali le j soche pani, dev-nagar-eee ho) ko satta roman script mai lekhne bichar garey, chiito ni huncha, dher sochna ni pardaina, ani mero soch ni khasma dherjasto nepali mai huncha, ani direct translation, dimakah mbata english translate garera type garnu saato sojhai nepali mai type garda no middleman bhanam na ek kissim le.

Ho ki khai k khai k, ajkal maile english mai ni sochna thaale ki bhanne abasta pani huna sakchha. Dher sochinna k ma sochiraachu bhanera, khaasma actually thoughts lai language chainna bhanera prof dennett le bhanya hunn kyaare maybe mero thoughts ko language chhaina tara aba page ma lekhna parda jun langauge ma aucha tei lekhna parcha tara nepali alik dher comfortable huncha kina bhane keta-keti sang aregualarly gaf garincha. English bolne ta manche ni chhaina so syaad, kaam baaahek, ek dui jaana saaathi banekaa thye english practice garna milkne chaiyo bhane, mulaa haru summer ko laagi niske aafno ghar tira east coast ma kasto rish uthdo. Bhannaparne chha eutaa lai, oi suuun na ta ra ma friend group suru garam, aile ko groups bhandaa independent, haami dui jaana maatra kati hang haanne ho bhanera. Kura pani milcha, politics pani karib karib, maile kaan thune bhane milcha, saala seattle last wild bachha haru ko politics jasto chha, thulo manche dher busy bhayera bachha haru manpari garyaachhan, alik hoss bhaako manche lai dinaparne yaar esto important kura chai, dinnan k garnu.

Hunn ta politics ko barema sochna man ni chhaina, mailee bhanekai ho yei blog ma, news sews kei ni padhna man chhaina bhanera, tara ajkal naya computer aako bhayera alik out of control bhaiyaa chha. Taara euta ramro kahbar chai k chha bhane yo umer aayera aafno emotions chai control garna sakne abasta chha so ekdam stressful abastaa ma pani eso stop garchu, ani hmm does this really matter, malai kina esto tauko dukera tension bhako sochchhu ani realize huncha yo ta baal matlab malai k ko chaaso na ma sanga related na malai immediately directly ghaata, ma tira aauna thaale bhane tei belaa bichaar garamla bhanera sochchhu.

Thikai chha khass ma bhanna parda, dherai moj bhaako chha ajkal, control garna parne chha, discipline ma basna sikkeko bhaye hunthyo, ma pugchu tyo situation ma, aile turuntai chai naholaa.

How do I write a rap?

I've written a bazillion times here before about how I want to write a rap, how I should write a rap, how rap is modern poetry, how all my cool friends are doing it. And it goes nowhere, not one goddamn time has anything ever come out of my interest in writing rap. Maybe I'm not edgy enough. Maybe the topics I identify with are the ones that literally nobody feels strongly about. Truth be told, there's no burning feelings and emotions you know the sort that drive great poets and rappers and writers to create, inside my heart either, it's just mildly burning ember if you can even call it that, there's a tame orange glow but the heat's not there. That's not what enflames the hearts of the fans, is it?

The other reason is I dunno how rhyming works etcetera. Man I gotta get myself a rap writing teacher. And an acting teacher, take intro course to acting, where do I find one. And always wanted to take dance courses too. Ugh so much to doo, so little ti---motivation.

Yes, so many poems, got a problem?

This is a poem
And it won't rhyme
I'm fine with it
Gonna take my own sweet time
To write all the upcoming posts
Because I've been trying to coast
There's no rule, there's no reason
I feel abound in my own prison
Of my expectations high and mighty
Beset by my talent,
Low and crusty.
It's a sick sick world
I find myself in
No way out without losin'.
Don't wanna give up, for this is my life
But what is life, if full of care
I have no time to...flyff.

It's been rough, I tell you this
And the fear grows, every single day that I miss
The posts and the stories and the essays
For which there's no content, it's all messies
I want provocation, I want prezzies?
Hyaa hyaa hyaa, that's all I got
I cannot write anymore
But I cannot stop.
So this is where we'll be at
Writing nonstop till I fall flat.

Toodles.

Will somebody just listen to my goddamn advice

So here's the deal,
I tell the boys,
To my ideas give 'em a listen
For boys, there's some real vision
Meats and potatoes real stuff.
I will take y'all out
Of your situation rough,
Just give me a hear
And with not a doubt or fear
Do as I say, if you may
And tell me if your life
Doesn't suddenly get
In the fifth fuckin' gear.
I know what I know,
That y'all are great
But honest, at this rate
Y'all aren't getting out
Of the goddamn gate
Of your own creation.

So open those bars,
Hearts on your sleeves, men
Live a little, go out, enliven!
A drink here, another cocktail there
An accidental brush, oops
A slightly off-color joke, with no fear
All nice and fun, alright,
Not tellinya to grabem by the boops
Slow and easy, kind and caring,
Not a douchebag out in his full might.
You can do this, I tell 'em, yes you can
Just tell her how GOAT she smells, maaan
It ain't science, it ain't math
You'll only find love and kindness
In this path.
Noone's lyin', no flim-flam.

That's what I say, all the time
All I can get out
Is this terrible rhyme.

Why's everybody having fun without me

There was a time,
This is true, it's not a jape for sake of a good rhyme,
When I was a man about the town
And wasn't just another clown
Who knew what he wanted.

Those were the days
I reached the skies
Picked out the fruits
From the cool clouds.
A slight push of the hair,
A minor wink
And the whole goddamn world
Ringringringringringringring.
A deafening river
By my ear
As soft pillows,
Salty, wet,
(dusty even, Kathmandu air)
embraced each other

Back in our days
We knew
How to have fun
We held hands like little fools
By dying sun around the temples
We embraced,
So fucking horny
Oh so innocent.
Then the cops,
Oh the run run run.

Did I freeze,
Or did the world
Get bluer?

Right, what's next?

There was this lass
One hell of a sass
That one,
She sang and she danced and she ran
And acted and played the violin, ohh maan
In my woody ulcerous play of heart
She played perhaps the leading part
Of course this was all very unknown
Trust me lads, it was love alright
Not just a young urge to bone
Either way that angel beyond my reach
Never did find a thing, I remained alone
Now she's all up high in the clouds
A goddamn celebrity,
If I may shout out so loud
So where am I, you might wonder
Uhh let's not go there man,
Somethings are best not left to ponder,
That musician avant-garde
And I still try play the 'foreign accent' card
One hell of a page
Of my story we've opened
What's this I feel, is this...rage?
Sad gloomy June eve this is.

Why even cry

 It is true,
I'm bitter
It is true
I'm no better
You're right
She wasn't to be mine
And yes,
She was alright, just fine
True, true
The seas were calm
There was no stormy brew
And of her I thought
Mmm maybe could be a part
Of my crew?
And nothing more.
And yet now I'm sore,
A sad pathetic pig
Sour and judging quick
Afraid and bitter
That she found
Somebody better.
Where they might go
Nobody does yet know
But one thing I'm sure
My actions aren't perfectly pure.
Why do I
Cry
For something
I didn't want
To
Be
My?

Fuck my knee, it hurts, alright

Fuck
My knee
It hurts
Four
Fucking
Flights
Of stairs
Up and down
Day and night
Have they taken
Their toll
Or am I just
Too old?

I can't walk,
I can't run
Can't go out
Have some fun
Just stay in
Always rainin'
I'm dreamin'
Of days
Beyond the walls
Of my amazin'
Apartment.

Am I the one aka the loser questions

And when
You talk
Of the day
Who in your head
Do you see
Is it really
Really super duper
Duper, me?
Is it?

And when
We talk
Oh so regularly
Where, may I ask,
Should I see
Myself, five years
From now?
In your embrace
Or just a memory,
Pleasant and lovely?

Is it just me,
Sometimes I wonder
And love, I tell you this
With the greatest of candor
That's putting in the work
Or perhaps there's nuthin' here
And our fate lies
Off the fork?

Pity,
Isn't
It?