Business closure: Lemonade stand

Dear Editor,

It is to bring to your attention the absurdities and inaccuracies posted in one of the articles recently published in your so-called national newspaper of record that has come to our notice. We hope that the clarifications and explanation provided herewith will be published in your paper, beside the article in the online version, along with a heartfelt apology letter for making such a massive blunder and a promise never to make a similar mistake in the future. For it is in these times that we must realize journalism is the fourth estate, and using yellow-journalism tactics like name-calling and slander do everyone much harm specially to honest hardworking citizens whose name and reputation is besmirched by popular publications.

This is in reference to your article published last week titled "Lemon wars". You mention in it that my associates and started a series of loss-making lemonade stand in our neighborhood only to take our neighbors' kids out of business because we had a personal beef with their parents. While you talk to all the parties on their side, including the kids, the parents, the city inspectors, the health inspectors, the lemonade company, some bigshot lawyers who don't know anything about our community, and for some reason even some corporate lawyers specializing in competition and monopoly law, you didn't get our side of the story for which we are quite sad and disappointed. You mention in the article that you tried contacting myself and my associates on several occasions, only to be told we were not interested in having a conversation. Perhaps you missed out the part where my associate lets you know I had a terrible case of the stomach bug at the time and was unable to talk to anyone in my family let alone a yellow journalist who was out to commit character assassination on me. If you had only contacted me a little later, when I was in my full health you would have been able to get my side of the story, but in your haste to be sensationalist and sell copies, you missed out a big part of the puzzle. In this letter I will be making some clarifications.

First of all, the salacious accusations that our intention was to drive our competition aka the young childrens' lemonade stand with our cut-throat pricing was deeply hurtful and completely inaccurate. Our intention with our quite competitive pricing was to increase our market share, so our customers found an honest outlet that would allow them to have a cold and refreshing beverage at affordable rates without hurting their wallet in these tough times. Sure you can mark up a glass of sugar and some lemonade powder bought in bulk and sell it to unwitting fools, but what are you doing really for the community than lining your pocket with the poor working man's hard-earned cash? Such inefficient, intolerable use of capital was intolerable to us, so we created an entity to remove the market inefficiencies, much like lyft or uber, or all the modern startups that offer competitive pricing.

Second, the accusation that we opened multiple locations just to make sure none of their outposts were successful is completely off the base and lazy reporting. You wouldn't make such an accusation to your own Dunkin, or Starbucks or even McDonald's, would you? Because I've seen many of those outlets have three even four stores on the same block on the same street and haven't heard anybody say a peep. Are the accusations against us so strong and vitriolic because we're a small family-owned patriotic god-fearing Americans and not some liberal hippy-dippy type executive corporate fatcats? Our only intention was to create brand awareness and make people understand that we're a force of greatness, and we are the brand to be trusted and gone with.

And thirdly, it has been suggested that we made what could be construed as threatening remarks to those adorable young rascals, and we can happily tell that it's only a matter of misunderstanding and cross-connection. What we meant when we said, we wont stop until you guys are out is, the train of capitalist toil of hardworking entrepreneurs putting in their sweat and blood is an unstopping one, and can never stop until those participating are out, have passed away into a higher realm. It is a lifelong vocation for us, and we cannot even imagine thinking of quitting it or doing something else. We apologize for the misunderstanding our poor choice of words may have caused.

Speaking of apologies, we would like to take this opportunity to thank our customers and patrons and let them know that due to the current public health and finance situation, the economic realities of a anorexic engine of commerce have hit us, and we are therefore shutting down all our stands and stores in a permanent basis. We are also declaring bankruptcy, for we have no more assets or cash flow to cover our credit. We thank all those who joined us in our beautiful journey, what a wonderful learning experience it was, and hope to see them again at some point soon.

Thank you
Joe Lemonstandwallah