Plain basic omelette: a salty recipe

What you need:
Oil, 2 eggs not to old, salt but less saltier than you

First dump some oil into the pan, should be vegetable or canola oil try not to use the nicer more flavored oil please. And I know using butter always sounds like a good idea but unless you're making a scrambled egg or french omelette it tends to burn. Speaking of burn, how burned were you when your friend -- are you guys friends even or just two random strangers people who somehow met, who text each other on a regular basis sure you reply like instantly and she takes like at least a day to respond but what the heck she's the person you're the suitor she gets to do whatever she wants to -- told you that she went on a date over the weekend and it wasn't to bad? Like whatever, right it's not like she knows maybe you're a little interested are you even interested at all because if you were wouldn't you have tried communicating it to her at least rather than being some amorphous nonsexy blob blabbing about every bumfuck ever but the brainy stuff? Yeah anyway whatever fuck it check your oil, turn it to medium heat and if the oil's burning take the heat down because you don't need to be taking any more of it, yaaaknowhatImsayin' considering how everyone is hounding you about everything these days why can't they just let you chill live your life like a cool person jeeeez.

The eggs shouldn't be too cold by the way, you should be a cool person but the eggs are preferably out for at least half an hour. If they're too cold it's fine, you've got next time. Just make sure they're not frozen because jeezzus christ what are you even doing you total mess of a man. And don't you dare even effing bring up the distraction about frozen eggs because that's not what this is about okay, we're talking about making a fucking egg, not a child right now. And sure you respect them and yeah of course it would be a serious consideration but like you've been telling everyone you'd rather fucking live with a pack of jackals in the savanna than get a hellspawn for yourself so it would look a bit hypocritical to admit you'd possibly probably make an exception for her no? Besides what a creepy thing to say to someone you've only been talking and just talking not even the sexy stuff only the regular crap to tell her yeah you'd be okay you think with children. She doesn't care. She doesn't want you. She hasn't told you that already but common dude read.the.room. Take a hint for godssake and do something. Get a life and stop being so salty alright.

Right, salty. Those eggs you mix the shit out of them with a fork, put in some salt and whisk it a lot more. Don't get distracted by whisk because it's got nothing to do with whiskey which it turns out is her favourite drink how come you didn't know that all this long and ah how you would like to get drunk with her just drink and talk maybe she'd understand you think what a fucking loser creep haah, right dude, whisk the crap out of the eggs turn the heat to medium low, and dump it on your pan all of it. Spread it around the pan. Don't think about sex and you think about spreading things. Once the bottom layer starts solidifying, use a wood or silicone utensil to move it and let the raw egg flow into it, creating various 'folds'. Take the heat lower, slowly start folding the egg on itself, and you've got a nice little bundle of eggs. Like how you'd want to be bundled up with her in the middle of the northeaster winter in front of a fire. Sprinkle with black pepper or any spices you might have and eat as you desire.

Obviously ya gotta finish all of it. Not like you have anybody to share with.