Driven away: the ghost story

Prompt: You are a ghost or demon who is about to be exorcised. How will you avoid this horrid fate?

Source

Three hundred rupees, how about that, I'll give you three hundred rupees and hmm let me see what I have in my bag here, nothing much but I see two lemons ohh dear they look quite old hope they've not gone too bad I'll check wait, oh yeah they're fine for at least another week or so. Three hundred rupees and two lemons, I'm offering you, to tell these foolish men that I'm gone and won't be bothering them again. How about that bhai, you get your money from them, you get your money from me, I go quiet for a day or two so they think you did do something, and then I'm back, you come back ask for more money and we can split that among ourselves. I can even go haunting other houses scaring people out in the streets often, and you can come exorcise me meaning just talking to me of course, not the real stuff and we can split our loot. What do you say?

No, it's not possible. These people invited me to exorcise their house of the demonic ghostly entity that has been haunting it, and I need to do that. Sorry. You can keep your money.

It seems you didn't not understand me buddy, here let me explain for you okay. I'm the one they're afraid of you're not getting it because you can see me like a normal person, they can't. So they think I'm giving them trouble but in all honesty I'm just more hungry recently, started working out a bit, got a bit careless because I'm so tired at the end of the workout. That's been creating a lot of the noise. All you need to do is to just say some bullshit words, tell them I'm gone and won't bother then again, and just for that I'll give you the money and the lemon. Think of yourself as a gangster who's come here to get your weekly collection and I'm suggesting you maintain your income source instead of getting rid of it entirely. If you make me disappear what is going to happen do you think, I'll be gone, they'll be happy, your money over. If you have me around you'll get my money now, you'll get their money too, and you can create a subscription service, they can get you annually in exchange for me not bothering them too much. Plus, as an incentive to get into that line of work, I'm giving you some cash out of the pocket right away, because it'll be a little bit of a change of pace, job description is going to be different. And we'll be partners in the business buddy!

Oh ghostly spirits that haunt away this pure house, be gone! Don't bother the owners of this mansion! Oh haunted spirits this is not your land, bother not those who want to live in peace and calm!

Brother, what are you doing, you're not understanding okay. And those words don't even do anything, do you even know the thing. I know you can see me, do you want the deal or not. Instead of standing up to your bullshit thing or being exorcised, I can just move to another house you know you don't seem to me like a very smart person.

Oh deadly powers greater than us all, give us a thousand years of peace and a dozen of the greatness! Oh spirits of the world beyond, give us wealth for a thousand times, don't give us violence and madness.

Ahhh, I seee honh honh honh all this time I was thinking our bro here's innocent or stupid but we see what's happening here. Look brother 1000 if I give it to you I won't have anything to eat or spend on might as well call it a day right now and head for the hell. Too much man. The most I can do is 400 bucks and nothing more. And yeah I don't have a dozen of anything, I'll add three pieces of orange to the offer. So now it's four hundred bucks, two lemons and three oranges, okay?

I can feel you ohhh powers of the world beyond I can feel your anger and madness! Don't be mad at us ohh mighty ones, give us peace and prosperity don't scare us, give us twice the happiness as you can, and the prosperity to be doubled too, for we are mere mortals oh great ones and we cannot compete with your interdisciplinary travels!

See brother you're driving a hard bargain, I really cannot do 800 either here's what I'll do okay, I see you like the fruits, so I'll add seven bananas to the offer and you know how expensive bananas are these days I had to do some crazy shit to get this believe me. So it'll be a dozen fruit and five hundred bucks which is twice my original offer, and nothing more. I cannot budge on the offer okay, if you want anything more I'll just leave and you won't have anything.

Yes, yes the holy spirits of the ancestors are saying they're sorry for trouble jajaman, they're saying they're going to be crossing the river and resting some time. Yes oh great spirits, do as you say, upon the great tulsi plant put your blessings so this house may benefit from it all and prosper. May the blessings of the tulsi plant be fully felt upon this house!

Got it bro, just find a good time to get there, and I'll have it there waiting for you. We can talk about further business offers right there, I see you're a clever businessman we could make a killing doing these all over the country you know?