Five signs leaving social media may have been a bad idea

1. Linkedin stalking. You find an employee-of-a-friend-of-a-friend randomly on linkedin, check their friends, and their friends. Ooo so cute. Cool job experience too. Damn that's a lot of years at the same job. What, they have a Phd, hott. They're working for an evil company with clear intentions of world domination but they don't care because they're making bucketload of monies? Sploosh.
    
2. Second-degree-instagramming. It's 2am on a Wednesday and you're with your friend. You make them open their instas, have them show you all the cute people in their contact list, zoom into the photos and just...bask. The photos are pixelated -- they shouldn't be this is 2020 and surely they have a semi-decent phone that costs more than a hundred bucks if they're using instagram but that's besides the point -- but they're enough. And when your friend suggests perhaps it's a bit much doing this at this hour seems just so horny, you remind them that you do this once a year and that too barely and there is literally no other place you can check people out, literally no other place.
   
   
3. Stalking on Google. You search people on Google, find their names somehow perhaps on linkedin or insta of your friends, and try to find any smidgen of information or photos of them. Even if that means going to their college sophomore page in their college website from seven years ago where it's mentioned they did track and field and hockey and look at the blurry team photo where you can barely make their face out.
   
   
4.  General craziness. You're out at a nice restaurant, this was before this all happened with someone cute and you're like eating something whatever. They want to know if you're seeing someone yadda yadda yadda. You suddenly get very defensive and ask them VERY LOUDLY where you would even meet new people people you'd be interested in since you're not on social media anymore it's a poison you left it a long time ago and it's really hard for people to meet new people these days particularly people who can't play the social media bullshit game and it sucks and you leave her right there. You realize two days later maybe she asked because she was interested but now she won't respond to your texts so you begin thinking maybe it wasn't the social media thing with everything. Maybe it's just you. Which is so much worse. Or so you think.
   
   
5. Face blindness. You don't recognize anyone anymore, not even close family and friends, and they have to remind you where you know them from before you acknowledge them. You tell them that since you left social media it's almost as if people's faces started changing at rates never seen before and by the way did they hear that social media is bullshit and you just quit it and you're having a really tough time keeping in touch with people but it's so fine, so so so fine because it's totally worth it, not having to compromise your personal information and photos for playing a dirty game that only makes everyone involved sadder? Yeah you did? Well it was nice meeting them.