Three days behind schedule and I'm in shame. Shame! Shame! Which makes me want to not write at all, because I'm running behind. It's so boring, the things I write. And they're bad. Which is true. And it could all be pointless in the end. By which I mean, what if I never actually write a novel. What if this is all I am, a trollish blogger, unknown and unread. And if he is read, he's read as a hack and a shitwriter. Is that where I want to be. Questions. Self-doubt. Realistic appraisal of one's abilities.
What is writing anyway. Why does one write. Must everyone write, or should only those that are any good at it be given a public forum. Who's a writer. What's happening in the world. Can one still write shit, the shitwriter, if the world around them burns. Or if they have a terrible stomachache because they ate wayyy wayyy too much chipotle. Questions, questions. I offer you no answers.
And then, return. Not a guarantee, yet. It's never a guarantee, that I'll return. I could always just switch away. Not now. Because it's become a habit now. Habits are hard to break. It's easier to break than make, but not easy. This is not the time to give up. Yet, anyway.
I haven't been able to isolate the laziness variable. Often it's because I'm having too much fun and don't have the time to post here. Sometimes it's because I've got the gloomies and don't want to. And sometimes it just...is. I just want to sleep and not do anything at all. I do end up talking to people on the phone for hours and hours and hours on those occasions. So many ways to not get something done.
Discipline helps, it's helped me. If you haven't noticed yet, I've been doing four posts a day for two months now. I did five a day for two months, it wasn't bad. Don't have the daily structure set up for that yet, but it'd be cool to go back to that. The four-a-day rate I've maintained in the last months is respectable.
What I fear is writing something so incredibly lame that I stop writing. It's possible. Of course I do that on a daily basis, but there's always more space to go down.
Sometimes when I'm running behind, I'll consider posting something short and quippy to fill the space. End up not doing that because that feels like cheating. If I have to, I should do that more often. Something is better than nothing. Half-assing is better than no-assing. Shitwriting is better than nothingness. It's better to live in mediocrity than to not exist.
This is Sunday evening, and after this post I'll write Friday's daily journal. Only two days' worth of posts to go. I can do it.
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