That time there's so many things in your head but they're just in your head and not in the real world and you wish it were otherwise

For a change.

I talked two weeks ago how things may have been going towards a tricky direction and you know what I don't want any drama in my life and was not willing to own up to it and made it clear that I would very much prefer an uneventful mostly boring life punctuated by small events of happiness joy sorrow or other emotions, but no constant thread of drama happening. And that is all well and true and nobody is backing down from those words, okay?

Buuuut. buuut. buut.

Sometimes. Okay, just inside my head. And sometimes. On very very rare occasions. The most unlikeliest of time. When I'm the most prepared. I have things happening inside my head. Grand emotions. And speeches. And takedowns. Comebacks. That I really really really want to unload on somebody. In my head I blurt it out, and they go quiet and everybody sort of...claps...I guess...no, that's not very satisfactory...gapes...yeah that, is left agape...by my outburst and people see me with a new perspective, one of greater respect and maybe a bit fear, and I've left my mark on the world. They talk about it for years, and you know what, you think he wouldn't say those things but sometimes there was this one time he did so and so in front of so and so, and it was wild. Yeah yeah, never again, those were the rare occasions, they would say.

Real life is not my mind though. It take a lot of energy and hard work to unload. And creates unnecessary drama. And people don't have the time energy and the circumstance to engage in those situations. Why would they. All things considered, everybody around me is rather lowkey and chill and not many things happen ever. In a good way. The exceptions are something one needs to work to avoid, remove, limit interactions with. Because that is what provokes more drama. Drama begets drama begets drama. Stability builds on stability, it's a tricky little house that's the foundation of entire civilizations, but you ain't getting there if you're swept up in petty everyday nonsense drama.

There's got to be someplace where you should be able to be like really dramatic, and get your emotions out, maybe even get paid for it, where people will wonder how you just gathered those emotions out of nowhere. He looks like an otherwise decent man, they would say, isn't it amazing he conjured up those intense feelings out of nowhere, and then just like that was back to normal. They would congratulate me, pat on my back. The directors and producers and casting agents would come to be, offering small parts in procedural crime shows first, but eventually into decent mid-sized comedy until I reached netflix-level best-friend role. That's when my career would turn around.

But that's if I took the thespian role, channeled my inner drama queen in a productive manner. Through the theater, and via acting. Hollywood is faraway though. And nobody is looking to cast underexperienced short boring brown men for their plays. Specially if the aforementioned men have a history of doing a really bad job at their previous roles. But I dream.

I do dream.

I've said this before, and I'll say it again. I've got LA dreams. It's like people's affliction with the lottery. It's my secret desire to be semi-popular, at least vaguely known, have my face be seen my the millions.

Some day. Who knows.

The future is yet to see. Que sera sera.