This is a bit silly and a bit sad.
On meetup I registered to attend a nearby event in the brewery for yesterday. I told myself I'd go under any circumstances, no matter what, because I had been too hermetic recently and that isn't good for my emotional wellbeing. I did leave my apartment and go to the brewery to attend the event.
Unfortunately, there were like six different similar events going on at the brewery at the time. I asked around a few groups, trembling with anxiety, and didn't find the one I was there for. So the plan was abandoned, and I left to get dinner instead. Had I put even a little bit of effort, thirty seconds into politely asking two more people who wouldn't have minded at all, or posted on the meetup group, I might have found my people. I didn't. It was a surrender, and then escape.
It's clear I have social anxiety interacting with new people, making new friends and generally getting to be a part of new groups. There's fear of judgment, rejection, disappointment. Anxiety about uncertainty.
So silly.
It wasn't like this when I was younger
It shouldn't be like this now either. I have nothing to lose but my chains.
I must lose my social inhibitions. That is all.
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