Ten things I'll do when I'm fully vaccinated

1. Lick every disgusting gross dirty public surface I can find. Think railings on public buildings, door handles, elevator buttons, train handles, all of them. Lick lick licketty lick.
   
   
2. Talk to people with my face right next to theirs, maintaining at most a four-inch distance. We've been socially distanced for far too long, we need to increase our sociability be more comfortable in each others space, get so close we're basically breathing the same breath.
   
   
3. Hang out exclusively in tightly packed rooms where everybody's shouting on the top of their voices, coughing and sneezing and rubbing their hands on their eyes and face and their whole bodies. No not in that way, though.
   
   
4. Hunt and eat every wild creature that law will allow me to. Raw, all of it. Come at me, bats and pangolins and platypussies and rats, you got nothing on me anymore. I'll have been vaccinated which means I'll be in.vin.see.ble. Yohhh!
   
   
5. Fart in public spaces with no acknowledgement or concern of other people's nasal situation, really just go at it with all the might I can muster while making sure there's not going to be an uncontrolled release of various substances.
   
   
6. Here's the thing about handshakes. They're not personal enough. Cheek kisses are far too meek, and those on the lips are bit too french. We need to start greeting people by licking each other on the eyeballs. Let's. Make. This. A. Thing.
   
   
7. "Write a novel". Ahahahahahahahahahaahah yeaaahhhh right, like I promised last year ahahahahaahahahah.
   
   
8. Take up skydiving. Because if a global pandemic that took the lives of millions, the sense of smell for tens of millions and made all our lives a living hell can't get to me, nothing can. Right? Right? I'm invincible!
   
   
9. Workout more. LOL.
   
   
10. Finally ask my cute friend out because of course it was the pandemic that's been holding me back, all those years it took be to prepare for it etcetera but when vaccinated I'll be be fully ready to take on the responsibility of being rejected by yet another amazing human being.