Oh sire, rule of Britaania and the lands beyond, defeater of the Lions that roamed these lands, representative of Christ on our Isles, do you not like the flavor of the roasted bean? Are you not aware that the entirety of the European continent has been converted to drinking the soup of this new bean, the one they call coffee? Do you not see in our enemy countries' citizens a vigor and strength that lacks in ours? Are you not aware that we British waste our time drinking wine and brandy? While they drink coffee to make themselves wiser and stronger? Did you not hear about the Arab farmer who found this drink who didn't sleep for three nights singing the names of his god because he drank a cup of this miraculous beverage? Did you not observe, by your own eyes and through the eyes and ears of your spies the increased energy and motivation of our men? Have the sales of soul-destroying spirits, as warned to us by the representatives of the heaven, not gone down, replaced by this miracle blessing from heaven? Do you feel threatened by a tiny bean with good bitter flavor? Did you not hear about the Ottomans who defeated an army ten times their size on the strength of bowls of coffee? Are you not aware that this is a gift from gods, to fight against the body's natural tendency to be lazy and take no action? Do you not feel alert after drinking a cup of well-brewed ambrosia made out of this wonder bean?
Why, then, must you ban coffee houses? Are you afraid that the masses might worship to the bean instead, and show fealty to him instead of to your crown? Do you fear that the power of the bean will be more powerful than the power of the British emperor? What is this but another thing to dirty our waters?
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