Chill day ends in the blues [Sun 15]

 It's 10.33 in the PM, here's what's up.

I've been writing for the last 30 minutes, watched youtube a bit before. Watched tv, a few episodes of arrested development, the office, bojack etcetera. I was afraid of tomorrow, and opening my work laptop and feared the implications. Tomorrow's the day of doom and it shall come and go without any consequences.

Anyway since nobody reads these I can sometimes really open my heart here and write things I'd not tell anybody etcetera not even my closest friends because they're dorky things. So there was some miscommunication apparently in a text chain with somebody I've been talking to and they said something that put me on the defensive and when I get on the defensive I freak out and go on and on and on and make a total fool of myself, knowingly so, and they gave me a way out. I didn't have to be creepy about it. I really really really like people who give other people a way out, and not push them into a corner. Life is good again, fuck the extra responsibilities I took at work. The world makes total sense again. How I feel such strong emotions and act like a twelve year old girl I don't understand but that makes sense because I do have the emotional maturity of one.

It's raining outside, chill, the sleep's going to be sound.

I stared at the clouds for most of the day from my room. It was chill like that.

Before the tv watching, I went on a walk, usual, to Somerville. It wasn't a full walk, returned from halfway back because not feeling in full force. Listened to the michael scott podcast company both ways.

Dinner was peanut butter and banana sandwich aka the elvis. Watched too much tv and youtube. Did 10 pushups, also did in the morning. Also read a few pages of the campbell book, honestly I didn't understand much of what I read. It wasn't even the distraction, didn't understand anything at all.

Spent the day staring at the clouds, talking to roommates, comparing notes from last night. Talked to PN for 1.5 hours, N for 1 hour, Got up at 8, but really rally out of the bed at ten, did some meditation, chilled, used the computer caught up on the news, it was one of the slower days.

It's okay to make a fool out of yourself really, everybody does why am I trying to hint hint hint it's alright nobody's reading this.

What were we talking about again? Oh yeah. I don't remember either. Anyway.

It was good okay, it was pretty good, I'm happy about the progress with meditation. Haven't been able to implement it in the rest of my life, but it's begun. I'll be doing the same session from the app in the morning and in the evening if that's possible. The destination will take longer to get, but I'll have become a stronger medicant.

Also read a lot about asceticism and the relationship between it and the crappy misogynistic movements (the 'player' things), there's good literature in there.

Food for thought: America is a land unsuited for asceticism, it is the opposite of asceticism, for that relies on giving up everything you have and relying on the community to support you. He concept of American homestead is almost the diametric opposite though that may not seem so at first: separating yourself from everybody and trying to do everything all by yourself because you do not want to depend on anybody else. Aka owning literally everything that needs to be owned. "Communal" feelings of homesteaders towards folks like themselves are incidental, if they were in need of a supportive community they would arrange for the geography to me more conducive to it. Think more and write on this.

Also, the chances of a new American right rebellion or civil war are close to zero, they're selfish disorganized band of terrorists who have no interest in working toward the greater good, which by definition disallows themselves to coalesce, even for a common cause. If they could do that, they'd already have.