On responding to someone going through a bereavement

I had this topic on my list to write on for almost half a year. Since I thought of it, two people I've been close with have had close family bereavements, which has increased the importance of me expressing this. There's not much to write, but what needs to be said needs to be said. I'll put in a final word before I jump into the general conversation: what I thought six months ago on how I would deal with it, and how I dealt with it actually has been so different it's almost like I underestimate my social skills.

I don't know how to respond to people going through bereavement, generally speaking. What do you even tell them, that you understand what pain they must be going through, that things are going to be alright, and not to worry? Are they going to be mad you put in cliched bullshit, that you didn't reply on time, that maybe you weren't even supposed to know? How do you tell them how you heard of the news, what if they break down in front of you but you don't have the skills and capabilities to support them. What do you do to distract them from the pain that is at the center of their existence.

When SS [PhD]'s loved one passed away in 2016, I called and told him I was sorry things were going to be alright yadayadayada, I didn't know what else to talk about. So for the next thirty minutes and I'm really not making this up here we talked about the new sandwich I'd been working on the BELT, aka the blt with an egg and the troubles I was having with combining the different ingredients. Don't remember the details, perhaps I've written about the sandwich somewhere here, but he laughed, I made him feel better I think but I don't know if that was the need of the hour. What if I messed things up by making him laugh, burdening him with guilt. It is possible he could have exploded at me for not taking things seriously. It didn't work out that way but possibly because I got lucky. Things could have gone the other way round.

RD's close one passed away three months ago, I texted him a few weeks later, telling him I was very sorry but it was time for him to remain strong and the rest of us were there to support him, not that he needed it anyway since he had been such a monument in our lives, he was an inspiration and this was the time to show to the universe how brave and strong he was and carry on. Giving up on responsibilities was unlike him, to forge on and give life the finger is what things are about. Yadda yadda yadda. He appreciated it, later too when we met at NYC and talked about it. It felt good that I hadn't completely messed it up.

And now YKD's very close and loved one has passed away, I need to compose a long loving caring message letting her know that things are going to be alright, she needs to stay strong and that we're going to be there for her when she's ready to be here. She's not alone, and that the fight against the dying of the light is a goddamn battle that we'll win eventually. Gonna write up all of that and send, tomorrow, promise. It's important. And let her know how I found about it. It won't be weird. I hope.