Feelings of a big scary hunk of rock

 Ay, how's it going? It me, the big scary hunk of rock and metal that's hovering around earth, ready to strike at any moment.

Now you might say, hahh no chance, we've probably got you tracked, or scientists are going to send in a nuclear bomb or some other big fat equipment to get rid of you. Well you know what, nuh uhh ain't gonna happen bromigo never gunna happen Imma just run away into a different orbit. And you know what if they piss me enough I might even decide to strike prematurely if you know what I mean heh heh heh.

Anywho you're probably wondering hey man what's up with you whatchu got against the big fat big-blue planet and the beings livin' in it, why you gonna be such an asshole and threaten to destroy it all amirite? Well here's the dealio...okay, and I don't want you to go all gloomy about it and like go jump into a puddle or something it's just a fact of life and the universe and have to accept it and not go crazy. Alright here it is: nobody gives a crap, alright? Take me for example. I came from a stony planet billions of years ago, something else crashed into it I was pushed into the ether and flug into nothingness. Eventually I got caught around the gravitational pull of the sun that sorta kinda intersects with Earth's orbit at certain times. Not always, I'm not like a creep or anything always following your goddamn planet but when the time's right I come about say high etcetera check up on what's happening and go my own way. Keepin' it casual you know. And my planet, you might be wondering where the rest of it went. Well it's sort of...gone now. It's a part of you, a part of me, a part of your cellphone, there's a lot of it on the moon the stars everywhere. It turned into dust, into elementary particles and doesn't exist in the form it was. And yet I'm around and having fun ain't I? So what's the big deal, I didn't cry like a crybaby and complain all the time about how my planet was destroyed and I had nowhere to go boohoohoo, just sucked it up and lived as if nothing was up.

And yeah, things are lonely sometimes, I'll give you that. It's not being a cold large piece of metal hurtling through the space. All the cool kids are in the asteroid belt near Jupiter and here I am close to the inner planets, uncaring about their exclusive club. So it's a little hard alright. Don't get to see friends that often, relationships are even rare. But hooo boy lemmee tell you somn', when there's something good, like when I meet another asteroid whom I fancy let's call it that, there's ooof fire and explosions. Like literally, boom boom boom. By which I mean sex yes, but also literal explosions in space it's something of a spectacle. They're not dagerous enough to harm either of us generally but so much fun. You might think what a sad pathetic existence this is, to spend all eternity for that round of intense fucking that comes once in a million years if you're lucky but life is slow around here. There's nobody to tell me what to do, where to go. No chores to keep up so to speak, no buses to catch. So I chill, take my own sweet time to ponder and consider. Naps, they're lovely, they're so long. Been taking a lot of those.

So yeah, it's not awful being a rock. Just don't mess with me or make fun of me and I'll let you hang around, generally speaking. I know some of you arrogant assholes get too cocky and say things like, haha loser it's not like you can do anything to us, your path's pre-determined by the laws of gravitation and simple laws of motion and we can predict whatever you're gonna do and react to that! To which I say: yeah fucko', think about your own life, where do you think YOU come from, where do you think YOUR agency comes from? Ya' think there's some secret sauce that's imbued inside your tiny watery bag that I don't have? Cos think again MORON you're so so very wrong alright. We've got the exact amount of agency, and if you can decide you want to get on a cruise line in the middle of a pandemic, so can I just jump myself into a lower orbit and destroy the little pathetic ball you call Earth.

Watch out, I'm coming for ya'.