The loneliness without the internet

The other day I decided I was too obsessed with the internet, checking up on the election results every thirty minutes youtube on the side, then there's the podcasts, the meditation app, if that's not enough I'll go to snapchat or viber to strike up conversations and what not. And if that's not enough there's always the tv. Or the office episodes on my phone. Then I can go to my computer. Or my kindle. On and on and on. It's a nonstop sensory overload, no boredom, no time for thought, consideration imagination etcetera. So I thought.

So I let my cellphone charge and didn't touch it. Hangin' about by myself with several people around. Fun, yeah?

Didn't seem like that, I felt disconnected, lonely, confused. Afraid that I was missing out on what was happening in the world, curious if people were trying to get to me for some abso fucking lutely urgent news that I didn't get because the cellphone was silent. Maybe something exciting happened, someone could have offered me a job offer, or even a book deal though these things never have happened unlikely to happen. What am I missing, what am I missing, I kept wondering.

There was a feeling of feeling down, confusion fear. Despite being among near and dear ones, during a vacation, I felt lonely. Without someone at my side. All that because of that goddamn piece of black mirror that I stare into. I don't control it anymore, it controls my mood it seems like. The feeling of loneliness was absolute and horrendous, felt like there was no getting out of it. A deep put of nothingness it was like.

I've felt similar at times when my phone's stopped working or when viber or snapchat are out of action. Even though there's at least seven thousand other ways I can talk to my family and friends, the feeling of not being on my 'primary app' terrifies me. This is almost a decade after I quit all facebook properties.

Is real life that disappointing and lonely that any non-contact from your loved ones for twenty minutes means you are unloved and uncared for? Why am I so obsessively compelled to use the apps even though I've removed all the apps. Is this brick of silicon the only path to sanity and good health? Can I possibly go off the grid without going off the deep end?

I ask these questions because I feel at very dark times that my mood is low because of me not being on fuckerburg properties, because I'm not in the dating apps and no good at chattin' people up. If that's not the fundamental reason for my gloominess then limiting my social time and internet time wouldn't make me any more unhappy. Just need a way to keep in touch with people without being on the internet 24/7.

I should start writing letters again, that's the only way to go.