I get a deep sense of shame and embarrassment when luxuriating in Nepal. It's not about the money, I've been able to comfortably blow off the money tap without impacting my finances for a long time. It was no self consciousness either, I like to think. It's the feeling of discomfort at enjoying and so freely spending while others suffer in poverty and pain so nearby. It's the shame at the envy and jealousy the less fortunate must very reasonably feel, an acknowledgement that I was fortunate by birth and they were not.
Things have changed, in society and myself, independently and dependently.
The societal aspirations have changed. Everybody now has someone working 'abroad, a family member or a near one. They themselves are in some sort of process of heading out abroad, or have decided they are okay not having the wealth. People don't see themselves as the lucky and unlucky ones, they now perceive it as folks who put the effort( and work) to go abroad, or who didn't( or don't want to, or who are in process). That makes me feel better, even though reality remains constant the perception has changed.
Plus I'm old now, I might have people depending on me, so suffering and ascetic existence doesn't feel as exciting, virtuous or convenient anymore. Sometimes I just want to let go and spend some money without feeling guilty about it, and my comfort with that is increasing. I'm also getting comfortably upper middle class even in the U.S., and that too surely influences my desires& abilities.
Sometimes it just feels so good spend money without thinking about it!!!
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