How to make an insane messy fried rice

Cut up way way more vegetables than you should. Three pounds of carrots, a humongous onion, lots of peas broccoli green beans all of them. Huge freakin' heap of it.

Put a lot of oil in a pan. Think about when you think is enough and go for two more seconds maybe three. Throw all the veggies in, preferably the ones that cook slowest should go in first, the quickest ones go the last. High heat, keep moving without squishing the veggies. After it looks like it'll be done soon, cut a massive pile of ham. One of those large packs from costco. If it looks like a lot of meat, stop thinking and start chopping. Chop chop chop. Drop it into the mixture and keep moving. Move move move. Add your spice mix, oyster sauce, soy sauce and mix mix mix. Let the soy sauce evaporate the little. It's okay if it's a little too salty. Cover the pot as you take it off the heat.

In a different largeass pot, heat oil until very hot and burn some cumin mustard and all the other kinda seeds. Good ones. Fry your rice in it until it gets a little yellowy, don't burn it. The more stale the rice you start with, the better.

On a separate pan make quick scrambled eggs by superheating a small puddle of oil, and dropping in a bowl of 5 well-whisked and salted eggs. Keep moving the pan, keep scraping away the egg from the bottom. Turn off the heat after a few seconds, turning and flipping around bits of eggs until they're half-cooked. Drop the egg into the disk with the veggies and meat.

After your rice seems a little brownish, drop in the veggie mixture, swirl it around a few times not too many because you don't want to destroy the grain structure. Taste it, add soy sauce, chilli pepper and lemon-lime to taste.

It's yum.

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