A letter to our most honorable crypto lords

 Letter to the company:

Dear sirs at the company which technically doesn't sell legal products but we're going to ignore that for a moment, and hope that it gets legalized eventually because it's going to be too big to fail and we're going to be buying so many lawmakers will all the laundered money he the rules are going to be going down the drain, aren't they,

I am writing to report a grave mistake that you surely don't know about and you're going to be so so very shocked and confused, surprised and disappointed when you find about it. It's possible you're going to be very very sorry and embarrassed and feel so bad about the state of affairs, and get back to me right away, and I just want to tell  you, it's okay people don't worry about it, happens to the best of us, let's get on with it, shall we? After all, we're on the same side of this.

This is in regards to the 500,000 USD that I had deposited in my account at your company over the last two years through seventeen different bank accounts across nine countries, like you had instructed me to do. Until a few weeks ago, I could see the money in the accounts, and just when I converted to the special currency I saw the value of my account go up by ten times due to the great growth being seen in the industry. I was so very confident in your ability to facilitate the withdrawal from the amount through whatever means I might desire, so I didn't even think about it. A few weeks ago though, some haters suggested there was no way for me to withdraw any amount to my other accounts and I didn't believe it at all, so just to check, I converted the denomination in other currencies to my local currency, the one that I deposited in, and lo and behold it was the amount I had expected to be! Just like magic, you had multiplied my money by ten times the original amount, which was several orders better than I had hoped in my wildest dream. With this amount, even after costs of regulatory hurdles created by various governments, and the cost to be in compliance with various laws, I would be very much well off from the amount I began with. I began to get quite excited, thinking I'd donate a good chunk of it to your operations when I was able to fully withdraw all the amount, or at least a good portion of it.

Now last week I required some money for business purposes, and I sent in the request for withdrawal, they told me it would take a few days to go in. I patiently provided all the documents that were requested, I'm happy you're going through the due process by the way because I know there's a large number of criminals and other undesirable individuals involved in the industry and I was little wary about that. Anyway, they verified all my documents and confirmed that all the things were in order, and that the block for my withdrawal had been removed, I would be able to take out my money whenever I was ready.

And then, when I checked my account yesterday, it seemed like something was wrong, because not only was the actual amount down by 90% to what I had originally deposited, I was charged quite a few account administration fees on top of that, which took my original amount to 80% of what I put in, instead of the 1000% that I was expecting. It is my understanding that not all software is perfect, human errors happen all the time, and clearly there was something wrong on your end, and you could fix it with the click of a button. SO I'm writing this to you, as a verified customer of yours, to make the necessary arrangements, and take the number to where it should be. In case there is some reason you cannot absolutely do that, I request you at least return my original amount, with the 3% per annum interest minimum that every other bank or financial institution is providing, because otherwise there is no point of me having put all my savings and borrowed money in your institution. Not just that, I am in significant debt due to the hope of all the rewards you promised, which is why I didn't even question the 10% fees you charged in the deposit time, imagining there was no other costs in the future. Sir I beg you to do it as fast as possible, since my creditors have been getting quite angsty as of late, seeing all that's happening in the news, and want their returns at the quickest possible opportunity.

Sincerely yours,
white whale