Considering a new direction for my life in 2021

 Here's the thing about the last two years, and perhaps the many before. I couldn't any-ass anything because I was too anxious about getting 'out there', putting too much pressure on myself, setting high expectations failing to meet them, basically getting myself in places that would not be easy to get out of. I was afraid of success, afraid of failure, afraid of my desires, afraid of the direction I wanted to take. I was anxious about the anxiety I'd get myself into if I was up into too many things.

In 2019 I figured something. It's better to half-ass things than to not-ass them at all. If you can't put your heart into writing 800 well-edited words of prose or fiction or non-fiction no worries write 400 words of poorly-edited whatever-the-crap you can and be done with. Just keep going on and on and on. Set up the discipline and keep up with it. No matter what, don't give up on the practice. It's more important for you to keep going than to have a lot done one day and none the other day. And sure I haven't followed this advice to the T, as this post will show...I didn't write anything for the last three days and now I'm trying to cover up a lot of ground today...But generally this has been true, I've been disciplined and well on track generally speaking. Things haven't gone out of hand, and there's a structure in my life that I've really come to appreciate.

So half-assing has served me well. And it will keep serving well in the days to come, with this blog because I'm not yet ready to make the jump to put in hours of everyday editing and writing and rewriting, or even considering myself to become a writer. I'm a dude who journals, logs or weblogs, and that's the way it's gonna be. I write faster than I can think, which means I do both of them quite slowly, but also that the quality of the writing is shit. No worries, as long as I'm writing and getting the words out there, I can organize my thoughts, have some sort of internal review, it's fine. This is what I've been aiming for. This is the goal. Great job me.

But. I've also half-assed at my job. I do a lot of writing at job too, a lot of which I had to cut down on last week due to the hackathon, but I've been half-assing and quarter-assing my job. And it's fine, whatever, but there was a conceit inside me that said that of course if I try and put my effort into it I can do it better than everybody else. And then it said I don't do that because I don't care for the anxiety and the stress that's going to come with it. That was the justification: the anxiety about anxiety stress and low-energy, not having time to do anything else.

As I go older and more confident with the structure in my life, the writing's been great and the meditation habit I haven't completely fallen off the wagon at, I'm thinking maybe I should be more serious about my job. My friends who started when I did or much later even, have done exceedingly well, I'm behind them by several years career-wise, which is not a great look all things considered. In the past I've consoled myself by convincing that this is not where I want to be, occupation wise and physicality wise but this year has made be rethink my options. I actually DO want to be around this place, the east coast generally speaking int he longish term, and I do want to be in this company, it's a very caring and loving company and leaving it in the short term would be counterproductive for everybody.

So now I'm thinking of giving more into my work. Since the meditation has been helping me deal with anxiety, there's nothing to be afraid of. And it's not like I'll be destroying my life for the sake of a job: they pay me the monies to do a full-time job, and I'm going to use those hours they pay me for to exceed expectations, just blow through the requirements and everything and excel and all the tasks I'm given. I'll rise to the top, and go beyond the ceiling I've set up for myself. And all within the strict confines of the office hours, without hurting my personal life or other hobbies and interests.

Because why not? What am I afraid of? I can compete. I've got the hardworking spirit inside me. And now I'm not afraid of the anxiety that comes in with competition and hard work. I'm going to blow everybody's shoes off, and rise up up and beyond. And you know how I'm going to feel good about myself: my knowing that by strictly putting exactly the hours that are required for work, and not a minute more, I'm overperforming my counterparts who put hours and hours extra every day, thousands of hours annually that they could have otherwise used. That is what will drive me.

So here's to a hopefully ambitious year careerwise, and a rise to heights I hadn't imagined before!