There's just a minor problem

 Fiction. OBViously.

I get a call from somebody who doesn't call me very often. A few times a year we talk, it's all chummy mostly the teasing and ribbing doesn't get out of hand.

She says she's drunk, rum with friends, they came over and there was no way around it yadda yadda yadda. When I get drunk and call somebody it's just to...talk, and I haven't drunk in three years almost, haven't drunk called in more than half a decade. It's a little bit about not having anybody to talk to, but it's mostly the fact when I'm drunk it's tiring the day's ending adventures were had food was gorged and I don't want to spend more time yipping around.

I assume it's true for her as well. So we start talking about what she's been upto how things are and obviously there's something she wants to talk about, we're trying to get there. There's a pause. And she says, yeah so um this is all great and fun, but I'm like so so horny right now I'm drunkkk and horny and I want you here, right now and eff me real good, right now.

It will not be an overstatement to say that came as a bit of a shock to me. Because we...were just teasing I thought, all in good fun, no lies obviously, deceitful compliments are worse than no compliments, and compliments behind an angle behind them are transparent as Kathmandu's air, which is to say pretty transparent but not as clear as clean air.

I check the number. It's hers, there couldn't have been a mistake. Listen to more of her pleas. Doesn't seem like an obvious practical joke somebody would play. What a terrible joke it would be, at nobody's expense, and the target would be the least interesting person. Something else is up.

Are you sure...I say, uncertainly still trying to project confidence desperately because the one thing I've learned in this life quite well is to never let a good opportunity go to waste...you called the right person? That doesn't sound too confident, who even asks that if they're truly a fucboi. I finish the sentence with a very confident "Babe!", to make it sound like I really meant the entire thing.

Yeah, we've been talking for sometime now, you've seen me you like what you see, I have seen you and I want that, I want you and I want you right now, she says. You know what I'm doing right now, you know what I'm doing right now, she says, I'm in my panties, I'm playing with myself, don't you want to be next to be, don't you want to be inside me, I want you, I want you so bad, she says.

This is not how things work. Up is down, left is right, right is wrong, losers are winners, winners are losers. This is good, it's working in my favor.

Babe, I say in the gruffiest manliest voice I can imagine that doesn't sound cartoonishly fake, I absolutely want to be there, by you ahm in you and oooh yes you have already uhh messed around with my internals and all of that, this is great in any other circumstance I would be right there, so quick, faster than a speeding bullet, I say.

I want you so bad, why won't you come to me, she says.

Well... I begin -- as you know, it's hmmm 11.45 in the morning, so uhhh I'm not really in the mood right now though that's not a problem at all, you know this can..work, this can work, I say, but still kinda' early for this no, strange time.

Well that's how it worked with my friends and I and you're always teasing me and this is what I want I want it now I can't think of anything else, I'm so horny, she says, just come here now and we'll make it work, this is the only time I have. I can send you pics or vids or whatever, I need you right now.

Hmmmm. Much less likely to be a sting or trap of some sort. And the morning excuse didn't work, which is...something. Gotta go for the killer move.

Okay well...so how 'bout I come in fourty-five minutes, does that work for you, will you still be...interested by then, I say, I sound like a repulsive dork even to myself.

Her drunk ass, pardon the pun, is drunk and incapable of making sound judgment. But then I'll be sober, I'll be less horny no I want this now, when's the quickest you can get here, she says.

Normally in circumstances like this, when I'm required somewhere urgently but my presence cannot be made immediately, the first option I go for is to ask them to find alternatives. Ugh it's my weekend, I'll say at work, why don't you ask Zubin I'm busy with family work. In this situation, it could be counterproductive to make the move considering I'm interested in her in the medium to long term, I decide.

I consider showing her the math. No traffic so the drive would be ten minutes if everything went well, ten minutes to change and cleanup and five minutes for backing out and parking at her place. So twenty-five minutes. Maybe thirty minutes. She's probably not interested in that.

So there's another problem....I go.

Do you not like me, I'm so sorry if this wasn't what you wanted, am I not your type, do you not feel anything for me, or can you not have sex with me? Are you in love with me or something, waiting to get married to fuck, dude I'm so fucking horny, listen to the lady and help the girl in distress, she says.

No, NO, I go, I really really want this, I really do and even though I'm not currently horny it's not going to be a problem. The problem...is...I'm in my house, with my parents who I'm visiting in the middle of the puja they've organized for me, so I can't bail for another thirty minutes, fourty five maximum, I lie. No way they'd let me get out for another couple of hours.

No no worries, can you talk, yeah can you at least...talk...me through this, I know you're good at this, I remember you bragging about that, can you go to your roof or whatever and just...like do whatever you do with those women on the phone, and just...help me, alright, cos' I want you, she says.

Ye--ye--yesss I fumble, o-off...of course, I can, I'll do that, just a sec, I say trying to figure out which friend's close family death I'll have to make up as the excuse.

Okay, wait, let me get my earbuds in order, she says, her voice suddenly low. I'll call you back, she tells me.

I'll be waiting, I say.

She doesn't call back. I try getting back twice, no response.

And that was the end of it.