Ole' lovers' quarrel and a nation

 What now?
I'm willing to take you back but only if and only if you promise to never ever ever threaten to break up again, and make me leave the apartment understand? Because as you know they will come up with the results, and sure you will probably get the throwing out of all your shit overturned and things are going to be back where they were a week ago, but things won't be the same!1! They're not the same again, why the heck were you all sneaky and trying to take my seat from underneat my ass huh, you didn't think I was gonna be hurt or what, so dumb. And obviously I knew what was uup, I reached out to my girl real quick, and she did all she had to do. So now if you want to have things back to normal, you have to pinky swear, double triple promise that you're not going to do anything sneaky and that I'm so so safe from your evil machinations, get it?

But babe, was it not you who threatened me with jailtime and getting me trouble for all the stealing of the monies and what not and I was all sad but you were like NO, you WILL get into trouble you ahole and I was like can't we just chill out and make this work like adults, why don't you let me play for a bit while you hang about the house you must have had a tiring day but no you absolutely didn't want to leave, you wanted to take control of the dinner, so what was I to do? Babe, you're literally not giving me any space at all, all your besties are so mad at you too, why are you like this? Did you hear what everybody else has to say about what you did? These are not nice things!
Yo, listen to me now, and listen to me good, here this clear: I don't give an eff about what anybody has to say about what I do, got it?! And sure they might ask me whyy did you do this, this is going to take the early poor household into a verge of bankruptcy and it's all entirely your fault for not being able to manage your interpersonal relationships for which you're punishing indirectly so many people, but I don't care anything about anything, this is my life, and I'll live it the way I want to. And I don't care about the bitches who used to be my friends anyway anymore, they're taking your side in this thing so they're not my friends anymore, they don't seem to know what's good for you. You saw though right, I've got a few of your people on my side too, to do my bidding, so this is all fair or whatever, I'm going to win this babe, in the long term, you're not going to get me out of this, so just give up and listen to me, and it'll be so easy for you. And then we can fuck, so hard it's gonna blow your mind babe, just do what I tell you to do.

But that's against the agreement, you agreed to do that, and what you're doing is so clearly obviously illegal they're not going to support you, it's going to be thrown out, you're going to be embarrassed and humiliated, and nobody's going to be bringing you back here anyway, for what, you've only disappointed them throughout. You're safe with me, you know I'm not going to backstab you, I do what I say babe and you can be sure about where I lie, just let me through this, we can end this without fight, we don't have to break things, two weeks from now and nobody will even remember we were fighting. You've only got to lose.
Ugh, why do you have to be so stupid, you literally no nothing okay? I've got my gal on my side, and she's gonna be there for me through times thin and thick, we're like a bunch of thieves and she's going to get me out of whatever crap you decide to put me into, so I'm untouchable. Get itt? Untouchable. You can't scratch my butt even if you wanted to. And puhhlease, the idiots, they have memory of a goldfish, I'm gunna go back and just make puppydog faces and cry a bit, beg for an apology, ask for forgiveness lol if I'm feeling like it but probably actually definitely not, and they'll be under my thumb in a jiffy. So watch out, buster!