Gloomy weather, doomy time, I skipped my meditation yesterday and that's not fine

By the time I slept on Friday night it must have been 3. Got up a 10, maybe a little later, had whatever was available to eat, and just...chilled. The day was so dark, it rained throughout snowed towards the evening, and things felt bummed out. Gloomy day doomy heart, no motivation to do much. Didn't even leave the house. It was wet and cold and so very windy, and they were predicting gale-level winds. Who wants to go out at times like that even!

So all day long I watched youtube and went to reddit, didn't write anything, talked to people on the phone and chat, complained a thousand times. Over and over, the same goddamn thing until I was bored. In the evening forced myself to have dinner at home...the plan was to go to wegmans maybe for something, didn't want to do that due to the cold and wanted to skip dinner. A simple ramen dinner was had. And then what? What would distract me from the daily life while feeling like it wasn't disgustingly unproductive?

Yeah, I watched Arrested Development, 6pm to 1am, cos' that's how I be. Nonstop, giggling and howling and chortling, on and on. Season five is not as bad as they make it out to be. And the first three seasons are meant to be 'tv material' for the last two seasons, I'll agree with that fan theory.

All that meant no writing for the second day in a row, and no meditation at all. Such a bummer. This was the perfect opportunity for me to practice the new anti-anxiety techniques, the breathing and visualizations that would help me be in a nicer safer place. Not even a chance did I give that. Instead I chose to wallow in hunger filth sadness and hopelessness. Such disappointment.

Unique it certainly wasn't, one has had many a day like that in the past. What was uniquely disppointing a bit frustrating even is that I had a 26-day streak on the meditation app which would have gone to 27 and then 28, and then who knows maybe even in the hundreds if I hadn't given up. But give up I did, just...couldn't get in the 'activation energy' that of which I have been speaking so much about lately, to do the most basic ones. Even five minutes of simple breathing would make me feel better, something for the future me to consider when I'm down in the dumps.

Makes me wonder, all the energy and motivation and the drive that have, is it because of the intrinsic changes I've made within or perhaps these are thanks to the weather which hasn't gotten bad at all this year. Yesterday was the first time in a long while when it snowed snowed and everything's already melted by now, this Sunday evening. The days are shorter but the weather's been...not too bad, generally speaking. Could it be that I failed at my first real test?

An alternate theory. Regardless of what causes what else, the 'having shit together' factor is higher this year, because of the age, the experiences and understandings that have flooded in recently, and the hard work I'm putting in to improve myself. All change is marginal, you don't magically turn into a different person. And on margins you win some you lose some, your ratios improve but you still keep losing a couple around. Besides, having an absolutely chill day during the storm comfy and cosy inside your partment shouldn't be considered a waste of time at all. An achievement it should be.