Well at least there's SOME readers here

 I write in these pages with the assumption that nobody is reading them, and these words will be never read ever by anybody. That I'll never ever do anything of any importance and nobody will need to do some sort of check etcetera of my mental sanity yadda yadda yadda because man sometimes it's possible these posts could portray me like a total psychopath.

The one good outcome of that is that I write freely and earnestly, rarely hiding things that are happening in my life. Unless there's a really big fat important reason to not mention something, things come out here one way or the other. Identities may be hidden and spoken of in code, but it's all here in these million or so words, for anybody wishing to explore the inner depths of one's psyche.

The crappy thing about working under the pretty nihilistic readership assumption is that...nothing seems to matter, so I don't care about my discipline, the expectations from myself, or even halfassing on quality. Which again, not automatically a bad thing. Expectations can saddle one with unwanted burden, put undue pressure, take one on a direction that's against one's core wishes.

On the other hand, expectations are encouragement for a person to try harder, do better, to prove themselves in the eyes of others. To make others happy and 'appointed' (opposite of dis-etcetera) is one of the most fundamental human desires, it gives us warmth, connects us to the near and dear ones.

And I've been lacking that, because despite writing an intensely personal blog, there's a sort of almost sterile disconnect from my readers, there's no relationship here. The best case scenario is me pretending there's one person reading this and that too quite infrequently, and going on with my day. Which could be true for all I know -- though I suspect tis' strictly not so -- that is however not a healthy way to look at things. One must have a target audience in mind, and perform for them, one way or the other.

To write to nothingness, to the vast nonexistence of anything but one's world and writings, is to do a disservice to the readers, obviously, but also to the writer's own aspirations and designs.

I'm going to stop trying to fuck myself over by pretending you guys don't exist. Yes you exist, I love respect you very much and am thankful for reading these words, and will make it my goal to entertain you on a daily basis with truth and honesty even if that means I have to dance around like a circus monkey of the yore.