Q: Are we winning?
A: Obviously, and clearly, there is no doubt, not even a smidgen, that we're winning, and to suggest anything otherwise would be to completely support the enemy.
Q: What has our progress been?
A: We are currently fighting enemy on all the fronts, and we have been victorious on all of the battles with the enemy, so our progress has been overwhelming. At this rate, the war should be over soon, and everybody will be able to go home and live in peace and harmony by the winter.
Q: Geographically, what have our gains been?
A: As the reader will no wonder already know from our daily briefings, we're wining all the battles, and yes the battles we are wining are getting closer and closer to the capital by the day, but that's how good we are, we never lose a single battle, so nothing to worry about, the enemy will be completely exhausted and defeated in a few more days at the rates they're using force, it's highly unsustainable, their morale is low, they are working inside unfavorable conditions and the gods are against their sides, so nothing to be worried about.
Q: What has the response of our allies been?
A: Overwhelming support. They keep jamming our telephone lines to call us to congratulate on our constant victories, so much so that we've been unable to talk to some of our generals as our lines are so busy with those goofballs calling us all the time. Like guys, get a room, you know? They have also offered us materiel and other support shall the need arise, and technically we don't really need it but we don't want to make them feel bad or useless, so we've promised to take their supplies but only if they're willing to take money for it. They were uncomfortable at first, but we finally convinced them to take the market value for their products, because even among friends, a man's gotta eat, so yes we're supporting the economies of our allies, that's how powerful we are, and in turn they're helping us out with the war.
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