Pretty much since the covid pandemic began a year ago, I'd rarely gotten tired and sleepy enough to pass out on my bed with only faint memory of doing so. Evening naps have been a thing once every so often but never to the point of extending to the next morning.
Last night, as I packed up for my trip today, and wrote a few posts, the urge was strong. I quite literally couldn't keep my eyes open. The last few posts in here from yesterday make no sense because I was resisting sleep so much, but ultimately I couldn't do anything. At first I slowly fell asleep right over the keyboard. Then I barely had the time to make it to my bed, with clothes scattered about. Got up at 2 in the morning which was when I finally cleaned things up, brushed and went to bed for real. It felt good.
This has been a common topic in the past. When I don't feel too good about something I wonder if it's one of the 'latent' variables with my life that's controlling my emotions. As of last month it's been clear that I need to be walking out and about every so often or else I get cabin fever, which leads to unexplained anxiety, a little fear from everything, lack of motivation, and then this very strong urge to distract myself from life. That leads to me wasting time on the internet with those news websites. It's a vicious cycle, once I'm addicted to news and reddit I can't make a comeback until very very long.
When that happens, sleep is hard to come by as well, as I'm not working out. My mind's not in a place to be able to focus on anything, whether it be work, or blogging or the ability to sleep. And then the lack of sleep will give me further anxiety, which will steal from my 'productivity' even more. It just spirals down.
Perhaps things are changing now, with enough sleep and motivation that I'm writing this before work, could be a turnaround in the motivation game. Work anxiety is still bothersome, the reason I don't do any work at work hours is because I'm too anxious, but then performance expectations make me anxious after hours and this becomes an all-consuming monster never letting me think or breathe, imagine or plan.
Always and forever I'm on a quest to improve myself, set myself towards the long-term path. This is a minor milestone.
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