Five other alternative ways to form a government

You read it here the first time around on the Nine alternative forms of electing a government. Here's five more because if there's one thing we've learned over the course of the last year, it's that you don't have to be technically 'elected' to form a government despite being in a democracy, etcetera. Here we go.

1. The president -- who everybody knows is your girlfriend but the world pretends to not know and accuse anybody of seriously suggesting it to be a conspiracy theorist -- makes you the head of the government, and tells you to do whatever the f you want to do hunny don't worry I'm there to take care of you. The other losers in the country go to the courts and what not to undo the appointment, but what are they gunna do in the meanwhile heheheheh while you're appointing all your buddies in the important positions, making decisions that cannot be done and basically making sure it'll be very hard if not impossible to remove you from the position once you're securely attached.

2. The idiot with the most ridiculous metaphor wins. If it's got to do with history and rhino, meanders into medical claims of dubious veracity, jumps around confused into pseudo-science and comes back to claims of historical greatness, it's got a fair chance. The claimant has to really enjoy the process and enjoy their oration.

3. Chair out. This is standard, it's happened in the past. Two -- or multiple teams -- are enclosed in a large hall and each member is given a wooden chair to attack member of the opposing teams. The team captain of the last remaining team with most members wins and has an opportunity to form a government, unless his teammates rebel and bring him down, in which case the rebel leader gets the ultimate chair.

4. Pork, porky pork. The person who is able to able to pleasure a living swine -- regardless of its gender -- for the longest and in a consistent manner is allowed to rule the land, no questions asked. Piggy's squeals of joys are used as bonus points.

5. Dig, bbaby dig. The person digging the deepest, widest ditch in the lands with their bare hands...okay maybe a shovel but standardized among all the parties...unless they are able to appropriately bribe the judges...wins. The bodies of the sickly and dead people who passed away due to mismanagement and complete lack of consideration for public welfare are then thrown in and covered in