Lights out

Too much pressure, yesterday was tiring due to several hours of intense walking and strange sleeping patterns today was a tiring day gloomy sad cold pathetic depressing, didn't leave the house all day long it's almost eight now need to go on a walk at least if only for half an hour. More importantly, here's the fact that we don't want to admit: the kitchen fuse is gone, blown, kaput, vaporised, burned. No more fridge for the rest of the day possibly parts of week, no more toasts no more microwaved goods we have to live like what animals now how will we even survive. What will we do how will we make it.

Last winter I was all set on buying full-spectrum light for the room to a avoid the gloomies winters get me the gloomies always unyieldingly I'd figured out a weapon against them I thought. Didn't have to last year because spent December with TD, january was mostly at friends houses bidding farewell, February gone, March was barely spent in Boston and straight in July as summer was about to end! Summer was ending! And now it's almost the next winter. It's been rainy once awhile, cloudy unexpectedly sad so cold annoying to plan clothing-wise because you put in heavy clothes to avoid getting cold and it gets sweaty and uncomfortable, you pretend nothing's up and it's freezing outside. Shut the windows for right now, it's bound to get worse.

The election's in everyone's mind right now there is complete acceptance of the possibility that things may go the right way and half of this fucking country would rather be enmeshed in delusion and lies than to admit they are in the wrong that they need to change their lifestyles and beliefs and shitty attitudes towards literally everything else. The meek defense -- that this is not how they are, they are being manipulated by external forces, that they are being taken advantage of -- doesn't hold true anymore, you can lie only upto a point and that point is way way behind us, we're past the horizon. It's out in the open all naked and we've seen what people are capable of we've seen the values and beliefs they hold dear to themselves and what they prioritize and what they don't and everyone knows, America got lucky very lucky and is quickly running out of luck. People want to shut their eyes and years and shout out loud pretending it's not happening pretending this is normal and things are going to revert to the mean after the one-off strangeness. It's not going to happen, this is the future this is the past and this is the present. This is what this country has been it's been exposed now the festering nasty infection no one wanted to admit was there and it's awkward. It's awkward we smelt it we felt it but they wouldn't listen they would deny, external this is not me maybe the dry-cleaners maybe this maybe that, no I feel fine really don't accuse me of anything I haven't done anything bad. Americans screwed it up real bad, for the whole world and there's no going back ever.  Once the trust is gone it's never coming back. The world has changed permanently. They'll complain and shout and moan and even threaten with their guns, nothing's changing. It's all over.