An email to the representatives of the PumpyMcPump Co.

 Dear Sirs,

It has come to my attention that your conglomerate has been doing incredibly week for the past week or so in the stock market. Your stock has gone up from thirty cents apiece, to two bucks per share, to twelve dollars, to it's current price of seventeen hundred and seventy nine dollars. Eighteen sixteen. Sixteen twenty. Thirteen fourty. Nineteen twenty seven. Fifteen thirty-one. In any case, you get the gist, your price has gone up by thousands to tens of thousands of times over a course of very short weeks with no rhyme or reason, and most certainly no logic.

It is believed that a group of passionate investors who work in the main street are interested in propping you up for either entertainment reasons, or for their own get-rich-quick scheme have been pouring money into your company. Their exact strategy is not known, and what is known is not clear or accurate, because seriously nobody and I mean nobody who has such little understanding of the finance world and the stock market would possibly be spending so much money in a company that was on the precipice of going bankrupt. So those benevolent investors have granted you this bounty of cheap loans, free debt conversions to stock, and basically free money, that can go up to billions of dollars. You could basically raise all the money in the world at this price, use that money to buy a more profitable company, show that profit as your annual profits, tell the investors you're not just going to go to the moon, but to the stars and beyond, look at all the profits you made and gave back to the current folks, and turn it into a free flow of money. A nonstop machine producing wealth and happiness. Is this after all not the capitalist dream? To create a neverending fountain of money that you can spend towards creative acts, and to improve your company?

Anyway, I'm not a scammer, and I'm certainly no fool, I know what is happening in the market, you see, I know exactly what these fools are tryina do. so don't tell me what to do and what not to do. So I need to buy some stocks of your company, and none of the apps are letting me buy it, there's no point in using the old-style investment apps because they're clearly not meant to win with the meme stocks, it's quite apparent they're designed for boring old farts who don't want to get anywhere in their lives, and die sleeping on their beds of heart attack. So, can you sell me some of your stocks please? Since it was so cheap a couple of days ago, I'm down to pay much much higher price than that, but since you're selling directly to me with no middleman you need to at least give me some kind of discount okay, otherwise I would just go to any random person or institution, I wouldn't come to you to buy your authentic stocks. Besides, if you sell it to me now, and when inevitably the stock falls to laughably low levels as it's bound to happens obviously, your company has literally zero value, I'll come be a savior and save you from bankruptcy by keeping on buying your stock, because I'll remember you did me a solid one. The more profit I make right now, the safer you'll be in the dumps, so gimme a helping hand here, bruh.

Thanks,

Yours,
FacileMcTactileFaceBoy