Late work day, chat with coworkers and I'm most definitely not going to be meditating

I had a work meeting between 8pm to 10pm, in the evening yes that's what the pm stands for, and on the list of crappy things that happened to me on this day, it stands at like sixth.

Orrrr.

Is it just me flagellating myself, for allowing myself some real self introspection and thought, consideration about what I want to do, things I might be doing wrong, re-evaluation of where I'm at and where I want to be, discovering unpleasant things about myself, and trying to save face by pretending that I'm the real victim here, bad things happened to me, nono love me pity me care for me, and don't look at the large elephant made of farticles who's caught a terrible skin disease and is also trumpeting out of his mind, look at me. I'm having the real problem.

What's a farticle.

What am I doing? Why am I doing whatever I'm doing? Will it get me where I want to be at? Who is it going to benefit. Do I even have a clear goal in mind. Who is in charge of the inside me. What will happen of us. What exactly am I doing again, and why is it that I'm doing it. Because nothing makes sense, the world is stupid and nonsensical true, but in this particular instance I'm the one who's the least sensible. 

Cause and action. When doing something leads a chain of events that eventually ends in the 'action'. Is the action desirable, is it desired? How will my actions cause that what I want? Is there any relationship between those two, except perhaps in the opposite. Am I trying to attack my own foot, hurt my own sanity, is this a bout of self-destruction.

Why?

Why the attempt at causing damage to one's chances for a happy future? What does one have against oneself, who is the enemy here? Why are we ...

Ehhh.

Just like that, a text chain, and all concerns are gone.

How do we avoid finding ourselves in a similar position in the future, second guessing ourselves over and over again, and breaking all the safety barriers. What is the diagnoses, how do we debug ourselves in circumstances like these?

What.the.fuck.

This.is.not.peace.

This is the opposite of it. This is misery, this is noise, distraction. This is dying in an illusory world. This is a rejection of the physical reality we exist in, and an escape to an abstract prison, only to torture oneself over and over, for no crime committed. It's a symptom of lameness.

Jeeeeeeeezeeee.